Directory Assistance

KEVIN, a thirty-ish very good looking guy, is walking down a city street,talking on his cell phone.

KEVIN: Great! So I'll make a reservation and swing by your place at 8...(pause)...I'm not telling, it's a surprise!(beat)...me too, Cindy!

He dials 411 on his cell phone.

OPERATOR'S RECORDED VOICE: Directory Assistance. What listing?

KEVIN: Union Jack Restaurant.

OPERATOR'S RECORDED VOICE: The number is 212-575-2585. It can be automatically dialed foe a charge of $1 and by pressing the number one.

Kevin presses one. SFX: BEEP!

OPERATOR'S RECORDED VOICE: Are you sure you want to pay a dollar just to have a computer dial the number for you?

KEVIN: (annoyed) Yes...

Kevin presses one. SFX: BEEP!

OPERATOR'S RECORDED VOICE: Seriously. A whole dollar? It's still worth a little something. Like a passable cup of coffee...

Kevin presses one. SFX: BEEP!

OPERATOR'S RECORDED VOICE: ...a Cuban emapanada from Ruby's...

Kevin presses one. SFX: BEEP!

OPERATOR'S RECORDED VOICE: ...a daisy. A single, beautiful daisy.

Kevin presses one. SFX: BEEP!

OPERATOR'S RECORDED VOICE: Wow. You must be really stupid if you can't commit 7 numbers to memory and dial them 3 seconds later.

KEVIN: (annoyed) What the-

He presses one harder. SFX: BEEP!

OPERATOR'S RECORDED VOICE: Or lazy. Probably both. Stupid and lazy. A double winner.

He presses again and againl SFX: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

OPERATOR'S RECORDED VOICE: I mean, I know you can dial. You dialed this number.

He shakes his phone

KEVIN: Arrrgggh!

OPERATOR'S RECORDED VOICE: No wonder you don't have a girlfriend. Who would want a guy can't dial. I bet you give terrible head.

KEVIN: Oh my go. Did someone say something?

OPERATOR'S RECORDED VOICE: It's not completely your fault. Obviously, your mother had something to do with it all.

KEVIN: You know my mom?

OPERATOR'S RECORDED VOICE: Ah, mothers of sons. Most do a real number on them, rendering them completely incapable of true intimacy. I bet she either always pulled away first when she hugged you, or she breastfed you until you were 7.

KEVIN: (sad) It was the hug thing.

OPERATOR'S RECORDED VOICE: Do the single women of New York City a favor. Get some therapy. Now.

KEVIN: You're-you're right. I need help.

OPERATOR'S RECORDED VOICE: Would you like the name of a good psychologist? Freudian, naturally.

KEVIN: Please.

OPERATOR'S RECORDED VOICE: The number is 212-989-7326. It can be automatically dialed for a charge of $1 and by pressing the number one.

Kevin hangs up his phone. He sits on a stoop and starts to cry.

END