Candy Jar Abuse

PATRICK IS SITTING IN HIS OFFICE, ABSORBED OVER SOME PAPERS. LENA ENTERS.

LENA

I booked you on an 11AM to LAX for Thursday. Got you upgraded.

PATRICK

Excellent.

LENA

-And here’s a bill for $372.60

PATRICK

(doesn’t look at it) Okay. Just add it to my next expense report.

LENA

It’s not an expense. You owe it to me. Personally. For the candy.

PATRICK

Oh. Did you pay for that box of Godiva I sent over to Hansen Associates?

LENA

Not that candy. My candy. You’ve eaten approximately 5 of the mini Snickers in my candy dish for about 248 days. At 15 cents each with and 8% sales tax, that comes to $372.60.

PATRICK

You’re charging me for the mini Snickers?

LENA

Not so much the candy as the blatant abuse of the candy dish concept.

PATRICK

But you have a little sign that says, “Take One!”

LENA

Take ONE. ONE mini-Snickers. Not a Jumbo Bar’s worth!

PATRICK

I DO take one. I just happen to take one at various intervals during the day.

LENA

That is unacceptable. And a gross misinterpretation of a congenial office gesture.

PATRICK

What’s to misinterpret? You offer candy, I take it. Simple.

LENA
I offer a tiny bit of chocolate peanuty goodness to everyone, and you take that offer and rape it!

PATRICK

You realize that you’re comparing my eating a small piece of candy to brutal, forced sexual intercourse.

LENA

Why not? Every time I see a little bit of brown drool dribbling out of the corner of your mouth, I’m just as disgusted!

PATRICK

Forget it. It’s not that I can’t afford it, it’s the principle. Everyone knows a candy dish has no rules.

LENA
I wouldn’t be so sure of that.

PATRICK

If you don’t want me eating your candy, keep it in your purse.

LENA

If you want to gorge on mini Snickers, go to the damn store!

PATRICK

Why are you being so weird about this?

LENA

Why are you a RAPIST!

A POLICE OFFICER ENTERS

POLICE OFFICER

Excuse me, I heard someone say rapist!

PATRICK

I can explain, officer. My assistant here is just a little upset over a candy dish situation and using aggressive metaphors to make her point.

LENA

I don’t think it’s an aggressive term for someone who takes handfuls of mini-Snickers from my candy dish A DAY.

POLICE OFFICER

Really? A day?

LENA NODS

POLICE OFFICER

I hate that rapist shit! (grabs Patrick) You’re coming with me!

PATRICK

Why? I do anything wrong!

LENA

Tell that to the mini Snickers!

LENA AND POLICE OFFICER LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER AND SHAKE THEIR HEADS.

END. THANK GOD.