An Effed-Up Preschool Orientation

We had an orientation for our son's preschool last night. My husband was joking abou the kinds of questions he should have asked during the Q-and-A session. So this idea is completely his. But I wrote it, dammit!



INT. of a preschool classroom. Parents are sitting on small chairs. Mike, the director of Little Wees Pre-K, is addressing questions from the group.


STEVE
--and we’re sure you’ll be very happy with the diverse, cultural education your children will get at Little Wee’s. Are there any questions? (parents raise hands) You in the front

MOM 2
Hi. Um, my daughter Sadie will be in the Robin classroom. I’m just wondering…are the janitors cleaning the classrooms while she’s still in the room?

MIKE
Absolutely not. We would never expose your child to the common working man or woman.

MOM 2
Whew!

MIKE
Anyone else? How about this dad here?

DAD 1
Yeah… I was wondering…the Ladybug teacher? Mr Evan?
He seems kinda fruity. Should I be worried about my son catching gayness?

MIKE
That’s a legitimate concern, but no need to worry. We have instructed Mr. Evan to act "butch" while he teaches, which is the ultimate ant-gay spreading meassure. Plus he lost his testicles in a freak accident, so he has very little to no testosterone. So he won't be hitting on little boys either. Okay, next. Ah, how about you?

MOM 1
I notice there are a few dark faces here. Are they, you know, safe?

MIKE
Good question. We do intense background checks on all minority parents. Don’t worry! Okay, we have time for one more. How about you in the back?

DAD 2
Hi. My son Hugo is going to be a Kiwi. I noticed all of the classroom names are either bugs or birds, things that fly. You got your LadyBugs, your Robins, your Dragonflies. But the Kiwi is the only bird that doesn’t fly. It doesn’t make sense. Why the Kiwi?

MIKE LOOKS STUNNED. HE STANDS THERE IN COMPLETE SILENCE.

MIKE
How dare you?

DAD 2
Excuse me?

MIKE
Get. Out.

DAD2
Are you serious?

MIKE
Get the hell out of my school, you freak.

DAD 2
But I just thought-

MIKE
(roars) We don’t want that kind of thinking around here!

DAD 2
Look, I’m sorry, I-

MIKE
(imitating him in whiney voice) Look, I’m sorry! (back to normal voice) Leave. Right now. Here’s your money back! (takes his wallet out and starts throwing money at the dad)

DAD2
You know what? Fine! This place is fucked up!

DAD STORMS OUT. MIKE REGAINS COMPOSURE.

MIKE
We have time for one more. You?

DAD 3
So I'm just wondering...if I get caught with say, a polygamous 2nd marriage, and I have a few kids from that marriage, will these other kids get the sibling discount?

MIKE
Of course, in fact….(fades out)