A GROUP OF HEAVILY MADE-UP WOMEN WITH COIFFED HELMET HAIR AND PINK LADIES BUSINESS SUITS ENTER A SPOTLIT ALLEY. THEY ARE WALKING IN TRIANGULAR FORM, WITH A LEADER.
ANOTHER GANG OF WOMEN ENTER. THEY ARE DRESSED LIKE SOCCER MOMS BUT THEY ALL ARE CARRYING TOTES THAT SAY “AVON” ON THEM.
MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN
Well, well, well. Look what we’ve got here, ladies. Avon Reps. Someone call the frump police.
AVON HEAD WOMAN
Very funny, Mary Kay. But not as funny as the latest Mary Kay quarterly sales reports.
MARY KAY REP 1
That only because we didn’t introduce new products, asshole!
AVON REP 1
‘Cause you SUCK!
MARY KAY
Bring it, bitch!
MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN
Easy, Francine. We’re not here to bicker. We're here to settle a score. You’ve been on our turf, Avon.
AVON HEAD WOMAN
Not true. We’ve stuck to the east side of Maple Avenue, going North through Clementine Drive.
MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN
Really. Because I was walking down the west side of Maple Avenue and I found THIS. (holds out a bottle of Skin So Soft) Skin So Soft!
MARY KAY REPS
Oooooooooh!
AVON HEAD WOMAN
Must’ve dropped out of one of our bags.
MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN
That’s what I thought. So we scoured the neiborhood and found THIS
MARY KAY WOMAN STEPS UP WITH A BIG DUFFEL BAG AND DUMPS A TON OF SKIN SO SOFT ON THE GROUND.
AVON HEAD WOMAN
What can I say, Kay? People gotta have their Skin So Soft. They can’t live on a diet of your cheap Texas crap!
MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN
Fuck you, Avon. It’s down!
BOTH THE MARY KAY AND AVON REPS START DRAWING OUT WEAPONS, LEAD PIPES, UZIS, ONE BREAKS A GLASS BOTTLE. THE HEAD AVON REP AND THE MARY KAY REP COME FACE TO FACE.
MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN
Get ready to (takes big breath to shout) RUM-
AVON HEAD WOMAN
WAIT!
MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN
What?
AVON HEAD WOMAN
Those lines around your eyes…
MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN
What about them bitch?
AVON HEAD WOMAN
They’re dry, like mine.
MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN
Tell me about it. I tried everything.
AVON HEAD WOMAN
Have you tried Avon ANEW ULTIMATE Age Defying System?
MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN
I hear it’s good.
AVON HEAD WOMAN
Good? It’s fuckin’ great! Brenda, get her a sample. The only problem is that it makes your eye makeup run.
MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN
A little Mary Kay Stay Put Primer would solve that.
AVON HEAD WOMAN
Really?
MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN
Connie! Show her how it works!
THE SCENE BREAKS INTO THE WOMEN EXCHANGING SAMPLES, HAVING A GOOD TIME. SUDDENLY AN AVON REP RUNS THROUGH THE SCENE, SCREAMING AND CARRYING A KNIFE.
AVON HEAD WOMAN
Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
SHE STABS THE HEAD MARY KAY WOMAN.
AVON HEAD WOMAN
Trina! Why?
TRINA
Because it says in the Avon Advantage sales manual…Do Everything In Your Power To Stab Away The Competition.
AVON HEAD WOMAN
That was a metaphor! A chance for peace….thwarted by a corporate sales manual. (shakes fist at sky) DAMN YOU CORPORATE TRAINING LITERATURE!
END
Damn you, indeed.
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