The Martyrs

The Martyr Family

INT. Martin’s dinner table. Dad, and Sissy are meeting Denny’s girlfriend Haley for the first time.


Dad
Helen, we are so happy to finally meet you.

Helen
And I’m happy to meet all of you too.

Dad
You weren’t lying Denny, she’s top notch

Denny
Told ya, Dad.

Helen
Aw!

Sissy accidently spills her milk

Sissy
Oops!

Helen
Oh, hey…here use my napkin.

Sissy
Oh, that’s okay! I’m fine.

Helen
But you have a lap full of milk

Denny
Sissy’s used to being uncomfortable.

Sissy
Yeah, awkward is my life!

Dad and Denny laugh.

Haley
That’s not even funny…



Mom (off camera)
Here comes the turkey!

Mom enters with a humungous, 40 lb turkey. You can barely see her and she’s obviously straining from the weight.

Here, let me help you!

Mom
NO! NO! I got it! It’s okay.

Mom sets down the turkey. Her wrists are deformed.

Haley
(gasp) Your wrists!

Denny
Oh, mom gets deformed all the time!

Mom
It’s nothing. Just a mom’s sacrifice to feed her kids. (winking) Maybe someday you two will know about that.

The Entire Family
Oohhh! Subtle! Hint-hint!


Mom
So, Ben, will you do the honors? (hands him the carving knife and fork)

Dad
Will do!

Dad starts to carve, but accidently cuts his off his finger

Dad
Aaaaahh! I lost my finger!

Haley
Oh my god! I’ll call an ambulance

The Entire Family
NO!

Denny
Sweetie, we’re not an “ambulance” kind of family

Haley
But he lost his finger!

Dad
(through the pain) I’m good! I’m good! I only cut it off at the knuckle! I’ll just put this in the freezer and we’ll be chowing down in no time!

Mom
He’s fine!

Haley
At least let me get you a towel or something…

Dad
No need! No need! I made a tourniquet with my shoelace.


Haley
But-

Denny
He’s fine, Haley. Let it go.

Haley
But that’s crazy!

Denny
(waving arms) It’s just the way my family acts! Please just-(knocks over hot gravy on his lap) Aaahhh!

Haley
Oh my god-(looks around, realizes no one is reacting. ) Let me guess…he’s fine.

Denny
I’m great!

Dad
He’s peachy

Mom
Perfect!

Sissy
Swell!

Haley
Well, I might as well join in—

Takes a pot of hot coffee and throws it in her face.

Haley
Aaaaaah! I’m good too.

Dad
(raising glass) To family

Everyone
To family!