A Bad ID Ruins Everything

OPEN ON A MAN IN A ROBE COMING INTO A BEDROOM WITH A TRAY OF BREAKFAST FOOD WITH A ROSE IN A VASE ON IT. THERE IS A WOMAN SLEEPING IN THE BED. HE SETS THE TRAY ON A NEARBY TABLE.

JED
Naomi? Time to wake up.

NAOMI (stirring awake)
What’s this?

JED
Just a little celebration breakfast.

NAOMI
Aw, because it was our first time?

JED NODS

NAOMI
You are too sweet. I’m surprised you had the energy. We were savage last night.

JED
It was awesome.

NAOMI
(looks around) Hey, do you remember where I threw my purse?

JED
I think it’s over here. Let me get it.

NAOMI
(panics) No! I’ll get it-


JED GOES OVER TO THE PURSE. ITS CONTENTS ARE SPILLED ALL OVER THE GROUND. HE SEES HER WORK I.D. AND PICKS IT UP. IT SAYS, “MELANIE HUXELL. AGENT 232. THE RED DOVES.” HE IS SHOCKED.

JED
Oh my god!

NAOMI
I was afraid you’d see that.

JED
What the fuck, Naomi?

NAOMI
Actually, my name is really Melanie. I know this looks bad. I can explain.

JED
(holds up the ID) How do you explain this? It’s HIDEOUS.

NAOMI
Please understand that I was assigned to seduce you but I actually fell in lov..Wait. What do you mean by hideous?

JED
This picture! Your hair is like…rotten cotton candy!

NAOMI
Are you serious?

JED
Not as serious as your acne problem. Is this even you?

NAOMI
Yes, it’s me! And it’s not that bad.

JED
Not that bad? (points to picture) Your smile is making my teeth hurt!

NAOMI
Is this really about the picture? Or are you mad that I’m a secret agent who gave you a false name?

JED
I don’t care about that! But this picture? Can I ask you something? Were they slowly pulling out your fingernails when this was taken? Because—WOOF!

NAOMI
What’s the big deal? Everyone has ugly work ID cards.

JED
Oh yeah? Take a look at this baby.

JED GOES OVER TO HIS DRESSER AND TOSSES NAOMI HIS ID CARD.

NAOMI
Oh my god! You’re a Green Agent!?

JED
The fact that I am employed by a company that wants to destroy the world and you’re paid by one that wants to save it doesn’t matter. Look at my hair! It’s like mink!

NAOMI
I can’t believe I was so blind…

JED
Look at my smile in that! Huh? It’s SMOLDERING.

NAOMI
It IS good. So you got lucky.

JED
Lucky!? No way. I never take a bad picture.

NAOMI
Oh come on—even Brad Pitt takes a bad picture.

JED
Brad Pitt is a pussy. A picture-taking pussy. I have a gift.

NAOMI
I don’t have the same gift.

JED
(holds up ID) Yeah, that’s about as obvious as the bile rising from my lower intestine every time I look at this.

NAOMI
I guess my talents are more modest. (She reaches down into the covers and pulls out a gun) Like hiding concealed weapons in my butt.

SHE SHOOTS JED.

JED
(in last breath) My corpse picture is gonna be awesome.