You Can't Fire Me, I'm Dead!

BRINK BERG, THE PRODUCER OF “THUD COMPANY” SITS BEHIND HIS DESK. KRISTA MALONE, THE ACTRESS WHO PLAYED “JENNY” ENTERS HIS OFFICE.

KRISTA

Hey, Brink! We shot shot my death scene. It went great!

BRINK

Good, good. Look, sorry about that. But we felt your character Jenny was getting in the way of the relationship between Burro and Harry.

KRISTA

No worries! I was hoping to last the whole season, but—that’s show biz!

BRINK

Well, I’m glad there’s no hard feelings.

KRISTA

None at all. In fact, I have a few ideas to make the show even better.

BRINK

Normally I’d tell an actor with writing ideas to bite me, but I owe you. Let’s hear it.

KRISTA

Well my first idea is to keep Jenny’s corpse around for like, 3 episodes. Really draw out the mystery of her death.

BRINK

But there was no mystery. She died of a drug overdose.

KRISTA

Or DID she? We could do some flashbacks leading up to her death.

BRINK

That’s…not really necessary. Your last episode has already shown everything that happened.

KRISTA

But there is so much the viewer is wondering!

BRINK

No.

KRISTA

Where did she get the drugs? We didn’t show that.

BRINK

No.

KRISTA

What was her family really like?

BRINK

No.

KRISTA

What kind of toothpaste did she use? Please, Brink! I got a whole method thing going on!

BRINK

I’m sorry, Krista.

KRISTA

Okay fine. How about this…Krista’s ghost comes back to haunt Burro! She becomes, like, his confidante!

BRINK

Ok, I see what’s happening. You’re trying to write yourself back in.

KRISTA

I’m TRYING not to give our audience a character that has dimension!

SUDDENLY HECTOR MARTINEZ, WHO PLAYED DRUG LORD TRINO, COMES IN.

HECTOR

Hey Berg! Remember me? I played Trino the drug lord? I was killed in a shoot-out last month?

BERG

I remember that. Vaguely.

HECTOR

Well I was just thinking…what if Trino never died? He was like, buried alive and escaped?

KRISTA

Oh! That’s great! And Jenny can be the ghost that helps him back to the real world!

BERG

(Sigh)

BARRY JENSEN ENTERS

BARRY

Hey! Berg! It’s me, Barry! I played Party Guest Number 3? I was thinking…what if Harry and Burro time travel back to that party!

HECTOR

Oh! And we can see Trino in the background! Like he was there THE WHOLE TIME!

KRISTA

And Jenny’s corpse can be floating in the pool!

BARRY

And Party Guest Number Three can take a slowly take a sip of champagne while dreaming of his Senegalese daughter he abandoned!

BERG

STOP! All of you! Get out of my office! You’re fired!

BEAT

HECTOR

Dude, we’re already fired.

KRISTA AND BARRY NOD IN AGREEMENT. THEY ALL START TALKING AGAIN.

KRISTA

…and I float above the party!

HECTOR

…with me holding on to your shirt

BARRY

…and I’m eating canapés while recalling the sunset at Umbria!

BERG TAKES A STAPLER AND KNOCKS HIMSELF OUT WITH IT.

END.