Anne Stez's September Sketches

The Trouble With Gay Marriage

2010-09-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

JEREMY AND DAVID ARE HAVING A ROMANTIC DINNER TOGETHER.

JEREMY

(toasting) To Us!

DAVID

To us darling.

THEY CLINK GLASSES

JEREMY

You know, we’ve been together a long time…

DAVID

Six amazing years! Jeremy, I want to let you know-

JEREMY

Wait! Before you say anything-

DAVID

Stop! I want to hear what you’re thinking but-

JEREMY

Hush! I just want to-

DAVID

Shhhh! Let me-

JEREMY

Ah-

DAVID

Ba-

BOTH

(pulling out rings) Will you marry me?

BOTH

YOU’RE asking ME?

BOTH

But I thought I was the-

JEREMY

I guess we have a lot of things to figure out about gay marriage.

DAVID

Good thing the law is gonna let us!

END

Mary Kay and Avon Rep Rumble

2010-09-16T14:03:00.000-07:00

A GROUP OF HEAVILY MADE-UP WOMEN WITH COIFFED HELMET HAIR AND PINK LADIES BUSINESS SUITS ENTER A SPOTLIT ALLEY. THEY ARE WALKING IN TRIANGULAR FORM, WITH A LEADER.

ANOTHER GANG OF WOMEN ENTER. THEY ARE DRESSED LIKE SOCCER MOMS BUT THEY ALL ARE CARRYING TOTES THAT SAY “AVON” ON THEM.

MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN

Well, well, well. Look what we’ve got here, ladies. Avon Reps. Someone call the frump police.

AVON HEAD WOMAN

Very funny, Mary Kay. But not as funny as the latest Mary Kay quarterly sales reports.

MARY KAY REP 1

That only because we didn’t introduce new products, asshole!

AVON REP 1

‘Cause you SUCK!

MARY KAY

Bring it, bitch!

MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN

Easy, Francine. We’re not here to bicker. We're here to settle a score. You’ve been on our turf, Avon.

AVON HEAD WOMAN

Not true. We’ve stuck to the east side of Maple Avenue, going North through Clementine Drive.

MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN

Really. Because I was walking down the west side of Maple Avenue and I found THIS. (holds out a bottle of Skin So Soft) Skin So Soft!

MARY KAY REPS

Oooooooooh!

AVON HEAD WOMAN

Must’ve dropped out of one of our bags.

MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN

That’s what I thought. So we scoured the neiborhood and found THIS

MARY KAY WOMAN STEPS UP WITH A BIG DUFFEL BAG AND DUMPS A TON OF SKIN SO SOFT ON THE GROUND.

AVON HEAD WOMAN

What can I say, Kay? People gotta have their Skin So Soft. They can’t live on a diet of your cheap Texas crap!

MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN

Fuck you, Avon. It’s down!

BOTH THE MARY KAY AND AVON REPS START DRAWING OUT WEAPONS, LEAD PIPES, UZIS, ONE BREAKS A GLASS BOTTLE. THE HEAD AVON REP AND THE MARY KAY REP COME FACE TO FACE.

MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN

Get ready to (takes big breath to shout) RUM-

AVON HEAD WOMAN

WAIT!

MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN

What?

AVON HEAD WOMAN

Those lines around your eyes…

MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN

What about them bitch?

AVON HEAD WOMAN

They’re dry, like mine.

MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN

Tell me about it. I tried everything.

AVON HEAD WOMAN

Have you tried Avon ANEW ULTIMATE Age Defying System?

MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN

I hear it’s good.

AVON HEAD WOMAN

Good? It’s fuckin’ great! Brenda, get her a sample. The only problem is that it makes your eye makeup run.

MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN

A little Mary Kay Stay Put Primer would solve that.

AVON HEAD WOMAN

Really?

MARY KAY HEAD WOMAN

Connie! Show her how it works!

THE SCENE BREAKS INTO THE WOMEN EXCHANGING SAMPLES, HAVING A GOOD TIME. SUDDENLY AN AVON REP RUNS THROUGH THE SCENE, SCREAMING AND CARRYING A KNIFE.

AVON HEAD WOMAN

Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

SHE STABS THE HEAD MARY KAY WOMAN.

AVON HEAD WOMAN

Trina! Why?

TRINA

Because it says in the Avon Advantage sales manual…Do Everything In Your Power To Stab Away The Competition.

AVON HEAD WOMAN

That was a metaphor! A chance for peace….thwarted by a corporate sales manual. (shakes fist at sky) DAMN YOU CORPORATE TRAINING LITERATURE!

END

Damn you, indeed.

Life Is High School

2010-09-16T11:54:00.001-07:00

SHELLY OPENS THE DOOR TO HER HOUSE. ANDY IS THERE.

ANDY

Hi Shelly. Remember me? Andy Morhead? From Lincoln High?

SHELLY

Um, uh…OH! Yeah! We used to call you Gimme! Gimme Morhead! Ha-ha. That still makes me laugh!

ANDY

No one calls me that anymore.

SHELLY

Aw, that’s too bad. It’s funny. But it has been a while-

ANDY

30 years.

SHELLY

Already? Wow. So, what are you doing here?

ANDY

I’m here to make good on this. (he pulls out a yearbook and points to an inscription inside)

SHELLY

(reading) Dear Andy-You’re a cutie. Call me in 30 years and we’ll get married! XO, Shelly.

ANDY

So.

SHELLY

Yeah? It’s cute.

ANDY

I’m here to collect.

SHELLY

(starts to laugh) No really.

ANDY

I have a proof of you agreeing to marry me 30 years from the date written. Today is that day.

SHELLY

It’s not a contract, Andy. It’s just a silly high school inscription.

ANDY

It’s a written document. Upheld by the law.

SHELLY

No way. I’m not marrying you.

ANDY

You have to.

SHELLY

No I don’t. Besides, why would you want to marry me? You don’t even know me.

ANDY

Oh, I know you. You’ve been divorced 3 times and swear you’ll never marry another drunk/sponge/unemployable loser again. You’ve been trying to lose the same thirty pounds for the past ten years. You hate your menial cubicle job but it pays the bills, and you recently started drinking at work. You are slowly beginning to accept that high school was the high point of your life.

SHELLY

You’ve really done your research.

ANDY

Not really. It’s pretty much standard for any high school prom queen.

SHELLY

Oh.

ANDY

Don’t feel bad. I’m a cliché too. Big nerd in high school goes to an Ivy League school and invents a social networking phenomenon that makes him billions, but he’ll always be a nerd.

SHELLY

Billions, huh?

ANDY

Yep.

SHELLY

That’s exciting.

ANDY

It’s not bad. So what do you say?

SHELLY

Nope.

ANDY

But why?

SHELLY

I can be that mean bitch who is now an ugly hag. I can be that failure who was only on top of the heap at 17. I can be a fat, bloated, alcoholic loser. I can be a shitty mother and a co-dependent partner. But I can never, ever, ever be Mrs. Gimme. I don't have the stomach.

ANDY

But no one calls me that anymore!

SHELLY

I do.

SLAMS DOOR.

Women Doing Their Version Of "Bro"

2010-09-15T14:37:00.001-07:00

RACHEL AND SUE ARE GREETING EACH OTHER, PUNCHING ONE ANOTHER ON THE ARM LIGHTLY.

RACHEL

Sis!

SUE

Sisssssssss!

RACHEL

Sissy!

SUE

Sis-a-licious!

RACHEL

Sis-Boom-Ba!

RACHEL

Twisted Sister!

SUE

Sissy Spacek!

RACHEL

Photosynthe-SIS!

SUE

Psycho-SIS

RACHEL

Cri-SIS!

SUE

Prosthe-SIS!

RACHEL

Sis-tic Fibro-Sis!

SUE

Electroly-SIS!

RACHEL

Endometrio-SIS!

SUE

Bye Sis!

RACHEL

Bye Sis!

Candy Jar Abuse

2010-09-15T12:19:00.000-07:00

PATRICK IS SITTING IN HIS OFFICE, ABSORBED OVER SOME PAPERS. LENA ENTERS.

LENA

I booked you on an 11AM to LAX for Thursday. Got you upgraded.

PATRICK

Excellent.

LENA

-And here’s a bill for $372.60

PATRICK

(doesn’t look at it) Okay. Just add it to my next expense report.

LENA

It’s not an expense. You owe it to me. Personally. For the candy.

PATRICK

Oh. Did you pay for that box of Godiva I sent over to Hansen Associates?

LENA

Not that candy. My candy. You’ve eaten approximately 5 of the mini Snickers in my candy dish for about 248 days. At 15 cents each with and 8% sales tax, that comes to $372.60.

PATRICK

You’re charging me for the mini Snickers?

LENA

Not so much the candy as the blatant abuse of the candy dish concept.

PATRICK

But you have a little sign that says, “Take One!”

LENA

Take ONE. ONE mini-Snickers. Not a Jumbo Bar’s worth!

PATRICK

I DO take one. I just happen to take one at various intervals during the day.

LENA

That is unacceptable. And a gross misinterpretation of a congenial office gesture.

PATRICK

What’s to misinterpret? You offer candy, I take it. Simple.

LENA
I offer a tiny bit of chocolate peanuty goodness to everyone, and you take that offer and rape it!

PATRICK

You realize that you’re comparing my eating a small piece of candy to brutal, forced sexual intercourse.

LENA

Why not? Every time I see a little bit of brown drool dribbling out of the corner of your mouth, I’m just as disgusted!

PATRICK

Forget it. It’s not that I can’t afford it, it’s the principle. Everyone knows a candy dish has no rules.

LENA
I wouldn’t be so sure of that.

PATRICK

If you don’t want me eating your candy, keep it in your purse.

LENA

If you want to gorge on mini Snickers, go to the damn store!

PATRICK

Why are you being so weird about this?

LENA

Why are you a RAPIST!

A POLICE OFFICER ENTERS

POLICE OFFICER

Excuse me, I heard someone say rapist!

PATRICK

I can explain, officer. My assistant here is just a little upset over a candy dish situation and using aggressive metaphors to make her point.

LENA

I don’t think it’s an aggressive term for someone who takes handfuls of mini-Snickers from my candy dish A DAY.

POLICE OFFICER

Really? A day?

LENA NODS

POLICE OFFICER

I hate that rapist shit! (grabs Patrick) You’re coming with me!

PATRICK

Why? I do anything wrong!

LENA

Tell that to the mini Snickers!

LENA AND POLICE OFFICER LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER AND SHAKE THEIR HEADS.

END. THANK GOD.

You Can't Fire Me, I'm Dead!

2010-09-13T11:45:00.001-07:00

BRINK BERG, THE PRODUCER OF “THUD COMPANY” SITS BEHIND HIS DESK. KRISTA MALONE, THE ACTRESS WHO PLAYED “JENNY” ENTERS HIS OFFICE.

KRISTA

Hey, Brink! We shot shot my death scene. It went great!

BRINK

Good, good. Look, sorry about that. But we felt your character Jenny was getting in the way of the relationship between Burro and Harry.

KRISTA

No worries! I was hoping to last the whole season, but—that’s show biz!

BRINK

Well, I’m glad there’s no hard feelings.

KRISTA

None at all. In fact, I have a few ideas to make the show even better.

BRINK

Normally I’d tell an actor with writing ideas to bite me, but I owe you. Let’s hear it.

KRISTA

Well my first idea is to keep Jenny’s corpse around for like, 3 episodes. Really draw out the mystery of her death.

BRINK

But there was no mystery. She died of a drug overdose.

KRISTA

Or DID she? We could do some flashbacks leading up to her death.

BRINK

That’s…not really necessary. Your last episode has already shown everything that happened.

KRISTA

But there is so much the viewer is wondering!

BRINK

No.

KRISTA

Where did she get the drugs? We didn’t show that.

BRINK

No.

KRISTA

What was her family really like?

BRINK

No.

KRISTA

What kind of toothpaste did she use? Please, Brink! I got a whole method thing going on!

BRINK

I’m sorry, Krista.

KRISTA

Okay fine. How about this…Krista’s ghost comes back to haunt Burro! She becomes, like, his confidante!

BRINK

Ok, I see what’s happening. You’re trying to write yourself back in.

KRISTA

I’m TRYING not to give our audience a character that has dimension!

SUDDENLY HECTOR MARTINEZ, WHO PLAYED DRUG LORD TRINO, COMES IN.

HECTOR

Hey Berg! Remember me? I played Trino the drug lord? I was killed in a shoot-out last month?

BERG

I remember that. Vaguely.

HECTOR

Well I was just thinking…what if Trino never died? He was like, buried alive and escaped?

KRISTA

Oh! That’s great! And Jenny can be the ghost that helps him back to the real world!

BERG

(Sigh)

BARRY JENSEN ENTERS

BARRY

Hey! Berg! It’s me, Barry! I played Party Guest Number 3? I was thinking…what if Harry and Burro time travel back to that party!

HECTOR

Oh! And we can see Trino in the background! Like he was there THE WHOLE TIME!

KRISTA

And Jenny’s corpse can be floating in the pool!

BARRY

And Party Guest Number Three can take a slowly take a sip of champagne while dreaming of his Senegalese daughter he abandoned!

BERG

STOP! All of you! Get out of my office! You’re fired!

BEAT

HECTOR

Dude, we’re already fired.

KRISTA AND BARRY NOD IN AGREEMENT. THEY ALL START TALKING AGAIN.

KRISTA

…and I float above the party!

HECTOR

…with me holding on to your shirt

BARRY

…and I’m eating canapés while recalling the sunset at Umbria!

BERG TAKES A STAPLER AND KNOCKS HIMSELF OUT WITH IT.

END.

Sidekicks: The Movie

2010-09-10T12:46:00.001-07:00

MOVIE TRAILER

AVO
From the people who brought you “Only Cats” comes a romance comedy unlike any other.

Only Sidekicks.

A movie with just the funny sidekicks!

CUT TO ROSIE PEERING OVER A CUBICLE

AVO
You’ll meet Rosie, the sassy Hispanic woman from the Bronx who works in the neighboring cubicle.

ROSIE
Mija, don let El Jefe get you down, yo. Jus’ have a mah-gah-ree-tah.

CUT TO A FAT GUY SITTING ON A COUCH WITH A HUSTLER MAGAZINE. THERE’S ONE SLICE LEFT OF PIZZA IN THE BOX IN FRONT OF HIM.

AVO:
Larry, the overweight, undersexed roommate

SOMEONE SNEEZES ON THE PIZZA SLICE

LARRY
You gonna eat that?

PAN OVER TO OVERWEIGHT WOMAN ON CHAIR NEXT TO HIM

AVO: And Maggie, the overweight, wisecrakin’ best friend.

MAGGIE
What? Were you born in a petrie dish? Disgusting.

CUT TO AN OLD LADY TAKING A NEGLIGEE OUT OF THE BAG

AVO
Grandma Sadie, the oversexed old lady

THE OLD LADY IS TAKING A NEGLIGEE OUT OF THE BAGY

GRANDMA SADIE
Now I have something to wear to the wedding!

CUT TO ANOTHER OLD LADY WITH A VIBRATOR AND A MARTINI

AVO
Grandma Esther, the oversexed, alcoholic old lady

SHE HAS A VIBRATOR AND A MARTINI

GRANDMA ESTHER
I got my wedding right here!

CUT TO A PAKISTANI MAN WORKING IN A NEWSTAND

AVO
There’s Huke, the affable foreigner with wise advice

HUKE
(heavy accent) You must give her a thousand suns for her birthday. Then she will love you. But don’t ask me how to get a thousand suns. I can barely get my Combos man to get the delivery right.

CUT TO A GUY HAVING SEX WITH A WOMAN

AVO
Devon, the ladies man

DEVON
It’s all in the bang game, Bro!

CUT TO A MONTAGE OF ALL THE SIDEKICS

AVO: And many, many more!

There is no plot. No character arc. And no sense. But there will be plenty of catch phrases, bad hygienic habits and funny accents!

Sidekicks. In theaters now.
Due to a complete lack of plot, this film is not yet rated.

Speaker Phone Angry Mob

2010-09-10T12:34:00.001-07:00

OPEN ON THE CONFERENCE ROOM AT BLUE NY, AN ADVERTISING AGENCY. JOHN, MELISSA, ANGIE, TERRY, MARK AND CARL SIT AROUND THE TABLE HAVING A CONFERENCE CALL.

CLIENT(FROM SPEAKERPHONE)
--So we love everything about the campaign, guys!

CAST
Great! Awesome! Excellent!

CLIENT
There’s just a few changes…actually heh-heh, we want to change everything.

EVERYONE LOOKS AT ONE ANOTHER IN DISBELIEF.

JOHN
Er, okay Ron. Where should we start?

CLIENT
First, the color blue in the logo. We think it’s a bit…bold.

JOHN
Ah-ha.

EVERYONE AROUND THE TABLE STARTS SHOOTING THE BIRD AT THE SPEAKER PHONE.

CLIENT
We’ve done research on blues, and what we found was that by adding just a little brightness, you can increase relatability by 65%. It was very interesting…(drones on)

JOHN HITS THE MUTE BUTTON

JOHN
Such bullshit!

ANGIE
John!

JOHN
They can’t hear us. I put ‘em on mute.

ANGIE
Realy? Well then..(stands up and yells into speaker phone) FUCK YOU you morons!

EVERYONE LAUGHS

TERRY
(imitating client) We’ve done research over here that confirms you’re 100% douche, Ron.

EVERYONE LAUGHS

MARK
Hey Ron? Nice face!

MARK HITS THE SIDE OF THE SPEAKER PHONE

EVERYONE
Ooooooh!

CARL
You liked that, you little bitch?

CARL TAKES THE SPEAKERPHONE AND SLAMS IT DOWN.

ANGIE
Oh we can do better than that.

SHE TAKES THE SPEAKER PHONE AND THROWS IT AGAINST THE WALL.

EVERYONE IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM STARTS BEATING UP THE SPEAKER PHONE LIKE AN ANGRY MOB.

MELISSA AND TERRY HOLD IT DOWN WHILE JOHN PUNCHES IT.

CARL AND MARK PUSH THEM ASIDE AND START KICKING IT.

THEN CARL STARTS TO PISS ON IT.

MELISSA COMES FORTH WITH A NOOSE.

FINALLY, WE HEAR RON, THE CLIENT THROUGH THE PHONE.

RON
Guys! Guys! Are you still there? No one answered my question?

JOHN (composing himself)
Sorry there Ron. We were having a sidebar. What was the question?

RON
Can I have these changes by tomorrow?

THE TEAM LOOKS AT ONE ANOTHER FOR A MOMENT.

MELISSA
GET HIM!

THEY ALL RUSH THE SPEAKER PHONE AND HANG IT.

A Bad ID Ruins Everything

2010-09-09T13:28:00.000-07:00

OPEN ON A MAN IN A ROBE COMING INTO A BEDROOM WITH A TRAY OF BREAKFAST FOOD WITH A ROSE IN A VASE ON IT. THERE IS A WOMAN SLEEPING IN THE BED. HE SETS THE TRAY ON A NEARBY TABLE.

JED
Naomi? Time to wake up.

NAOMI (stirring awake)
What’s this?

JED
Just a little celebration breakfast.

NAOMI
Aw, because it was our first time?

JED NODS

NAOMI
You are too sweet. I’m surprised you had the energy. We were savage last night.

JED
It was awesome.

NAOMI
(looks around) Hey, do you remember where I threw my purse?

JED
I think it’s over here. Let me get it.

NAOMI
(panics) No! I’ll get it-

JED GOES OVER TO THE PURSE. ITS CONTENTS ARE SPILLED ALL OVER THE GROUND. HE SEES HER WORK I.D. AND PICKS IT UP. IT SAYS, “MELANIE HUXELL. AGENT 232. THE RED DOVES.” HE IS SHOCKED.

JED
Oh my god!

NAOMI
I was afraid you’d see that.

JED
What the fuck, Naomi?

NAOMI
Actually, my name is really Melanie. I know this looks bad. I can explain.

JED
(holds up the ID) How do you explain this? It’s HIDEOUS.

NAOMI
Please understand that I was assigned to seduce you but I actually fell in lov..Wait. What do you mean by hideous?

JED
This picture! Your hair is like…rotten cotton candy!

NAOMI
Are you serious?

JED
Not as serious as your acne problem. Is this even you?

NAOMI
Yes, it’s me! And it’s not that bad.

JED
Not that bad? (points to picture) Your smile is making my teeth hurt!

NAOMI
Is this really about the picture? Or are you mad that I’m a secret agent who gave you a false name?

JED
I don’t care about that! But this picture? Can I ask you something? Were they slowly pulling out your fingernails when this was taken? Because—WOOF!

NAOMI
What’s the big deal? Everyone has ugly work ID cards.

JED
Oh yeah? Take a look at this baby.

JED GOES OVER TO HIS DRESSER AND TOSSES NAOMI HIS ID CARD.

NAOMI
Oh my god! You’re a Green Agent!?

JED
The fact that I am employed by a company that wants to destroy the world and you’re paid by one that wants to save it doesn’t matter. Look at my hair! It’s like mink!

NAOMI
I can’t believe I was so blind…

JED
Look at my smile in that! Huh? It’s SMOLDERING.

NAOMI
It IS good. So you got lucky.

JED
Lucky!? No way. I never take a bad picture.

NAOMI
Oh come on—even Brad Pitt takes a bad picture.

JED
Brad Pitt is a pussy. A picture-taking pussy. I have a gift.

NAOMI
I don’t have the same gift.

JED
(holds up ID) Yeah, that’s about as obvious as the bile rising from my lower intestine every time I look at this.

NAOMI
I guess my talents are more modest. (She reaches down into the covers and pulls out a gun) Like hiding concealed weapons in my butt.

SHE SHOOTS JED.

JED
(in last breath) My corpse picture is gonna be awesome.

An Effed-Up Preschool Orientation

2010-09-08T11:30:00.000-07:00

We had an orientation for our son's preschool last night. My husband was joking abou the kinds of questions he should have asked during the Q-and-A session. So this idea is completely his. But I wrote it, dammit!

INT. of a preschool classroom. Parents are sitting on small chairs. Mike, the director of Little Wees Pre-K, is addressing questions from the group.

STEVE
--and we’re sure you’ll be very happy with the diverse, cultural education your children will get at Little Wee’s. Are there any questions? (parents raise hands) You in the front

MOM 2
Hi. Um, my daughter Sadie will be in the Robin classroom. I’m just wondering…are the janitors cleaning the classrooms while she’s still in the room?

MIKE
Absolutely not. We would never expose your child to the common working man or woman.

MOM 2
Whew!

MIKE
Anyone else? How about this dad here?

DAD 1
Yeah… I was wondering…the Ladybug teacher? Mr Evan?
He seems kinda fruity. Should I be worried about my son catching gayness?

MIKE
That’s a legitimate concern, but no need to worry. We have instructed Mr. Evan to act "butch" while he teaches, which is the ultimate ant-gay spreading meassure. Plus he lost his testicles in a freak accident, so he has very little to no testosterone. So he won't be hitting on little boys either. Okay, next. Ah, how about you?

MOM 1
I notice there are a few dark faces here. Are they, you know, safe?

MIKE
Good question. We do intense background checks on all minority parents. Don’t worry! Okay, we have time for one more. How about you in the back?

DAD 2
Hi. My son Hugo is going to be a Kiwi. I noticed all of the classroom names are either bugs or birds, things that fly. You got your LadyBugs, your Robins, your Dragonflies. But the Kiwi is the only bird that doesn’t fly. It doesn’t make sense. Why the Kiwi?

MIKE LOOKS STUNNED. HE STANDS THERE IN COMPLETE SILENCE.

MIKE
How dare you?

DAD 2
Excuse me?

MIKE
Get. Out.

DAD2
Are you serious?

MIKE
Get the hell out of my school, you freak.

DAD 2
But I just thought-

MIKE
(roars) We don’t want that kind of thinking around here!

DAD 2
Look, I’m sorry, I-

MIKE
(imitating him in whiney voice) Look, I’m sorry! (back to normal voice) Leave. Right now. Here’s your money back! (takes his wallet out and starts throwing money at the dad)

DAD2
You know what? Fine! This place is fucked up!

DAD STORMS OUT. MIKE REGAINS COMPOSURE.

MIKE
We have time for one more. You?

DAD 3
So I'm just wondering...if I get caught with say, a polygamous 2nd marriage, and I have a few kids from that marriage, will these other kids get the sibling discount?

MIKE
Of course, in fact….(fades out)

Advice By People Who Have No Experience On That Topic

2010-09-07T12:22:00.000-07:00

OPEN ON A BUNCH OF “FOR DUMMIES” BOOKS BEING GRAPHICALLY DISPLAYED ON SCREEN.

AVO:
From the people who brought you Books for Dummies comes…

CUT TO LARGE TITLE:

“Advice From The Inexperienced”—books written people who have no experience on what they’re giving advice about.

CUT TO MEL EPSTEIN ON SITTING AT HIS DESK.

AVO:
Explore the wonder of “What It Means To Be Jewish” by Mel Epstein, a guy who never went to temple in his life, knows nothing about Israel and isn’t even circumcised.

Mel:
Let me tell you about the Jewish experience and how we deal with it.

CUT TO A GROUP OF 20-YEAR-OLD WOMAN DRINKING MARTINIS IN A BAR.

AVO: Learn how to raise your kids with advice the authors of “We Don’t Kids, BUT…”

WOMAN 1
I mean, I babysat? Like once? And the parents totally gave the kid ice cream because the mom said she didn’t want to “deal with a tantrum right now.” You need to deal, lady!

WOMAN 2
I know! And my sister tries to “talk to” her kids. I mean, just tell them what to do!

WOMAN 3
THAT’S why kids have tantrums in public! They’re confused about who’s boss!

THEY ALL HIGH FIVE ONE ANOTHER IN A DOUCHEY WAY.

AVO:
Only “Advice From The Inexperienced” provides such stimulating titles like

“The Best Way To Drive This Rental Car” By A Guy Who Never Had A License.

“How You Should Grill” By A Dude Who’s Afraid Of Fire

“This Is The Best Way To Sandy’s House” By A Woman Who’s Never Been There, Didn’t Map Quest It and Doesn’t Even Really Know Sandy.

Act now and we’ll throw in free copy of our handbook, “Condescending Attitudes From People Who Think They Know More Than You Because They’re Like, 3 Years Older.”

CUT TO 35-YEAR-OLD GUY

GUY:
Oh, you THINK you know 30, but heh-heh, you don’t.

Delve into “Advice From The Inexperienced” and start getting more irritated than tight, moist pants against your leg today!

The Mom Squad

2010-09-05T08:04:00.000-07:00

Note: I really like this idea and want to revisit it. Right now I don't have the time to tighten it, but Sketch Month is about getting the idea down first.

MUSIC: Some sort of riff on “Shaq”
OPEN ON 3 MOMS WALKING TOWARDS CAMERA, VERY DETERMINED.

They have strength of a thousand parenting books.

The ability to give unsolicited advice in a single breath.

And the power of a lot..we’re talking A LOT of time on their hands.

They are…The Mom Squad.

CUT TO A CLASSROOM OF ELEMENTARY SCHOOL STUDENTS. THE TEACHER, Mrs. Holt, IS IN FRONT OF THE CLASS HOLDING A PACK OF OREOS.

MRS. HOLT
Okay, class. Jack brought the snack today.

JACK
It’s cookies my mom got at the store!

CLASS
Yeah! Awesome! Cool!

TEACHER
Who wants some?

ALL THE KIDS RAISE THEIR HANDS. AS THE TEACHER STARTS TO HAND OUT COOKIES, THE MOM SQUAD BUSTS INTO THE CLASSROOM.

MRS. HOLT
Oh, I’m sorry. But parent visit day isn’t until next week.

MOM 1
We are not here to visit. We are…

ALL MOMS
The Mom Squad!

MOM 2
And those cookies are a weapon of destruction!

MOM 1:
Drop them, bitch!

MRS. HOLT
But they’re sweetened with apple juice!

MOM 3:
From a factory!

MOM 2:
You are sick, you know that?

MOM 1 PUTS MRS. HOLT IN A CHOKE HOLT.

MOM 2 WRESTS THE COOKIES FROM HER HANDS.

MOM 3 STARTS TAKING THE COOKIES AWAY FROM THE KIDS WHO HAVE THEM.

KIDS
Hey! That’s mine!

MOM 3:
There’s a kid here who’s already taken a bite!

MOM 1:
You know what to do!

MOM 3 STARTS DOING THE HYMLIC ON THE KID.

KID
Let me go!

MOM 1 DOES SOME SORT OF MOVE ON MRS HOLT SO SHE PASSES OUT.

MOM 2 GRABS A BASKET OF FRUIT KABOBS AND STARTS FURIOUSLY THROWING THEM AT THE KIDS.

MOM 3
Here you go kids! Homemade fruit kabobs!

THE KABOBS HIT THE KIDS.

KID
MY EYE!

MOM 1
Our work here is done, Moms. Let’s go.

THE MOM SQUAD LEAVES A ROOM OF CRYING KIDS AND A POSSIBLY DEAD TEACHER.

CUT TO A WOMAN ON A PARK BENCH. SHE IS ABOUT TO GIVE HER NEWBORN BABY A BOTTLE.

WOMAN
Here you go sweetie. A nice bottle of formula.

THE MOM SQUAD RUNS INTO THE SCENE.

MOM 1:
Stop that immediately!

WOMAN
Excuse me? I’m just feeding my child.

MOM 3
Why aren’t you breast feeding her?

ALL MOMS
Breast is best!

WOMAN
I tried breastfeeding…it, it didn’t work out. Wait! Why am I even explaining myself to you? It’s none of your business!

MOM 1 (to other moms)
Get the baby

THE OTHER MOMS GRAB THE BABY. THEY ALL TAKE OFF.

WOMAN
My baby! My baby!

CUT TO MOMS RUNNING WITH BABY. MUSIC CUES UP.

VO:

When you forget to put sunblock on your kid
When you let them have that extra cup of juice
Or forget to put a hat on them when it’s below 70 degrees….

They will be there. They are…

MOMS
The Mom Squad!

Handling Employees

2010-09-05T06:53:00.001-07:00

OPEN ON AN OFFICE BREAK ROOM. CHARLIE IS GETTING HIMSELF COFFEE. JASON ENTERS

JASON
Hey there, Charlie. How’s tricks?

CHARLIE
They’re trickin, boss!

BOTH LAUGH STIFFLY

JASON
So, I have to ask you to take on the Jensen case.

CHARLIE
What?! No!

JASON
Sorry, buddy. But you’re the only one who has the time

CHARLIE
(whining like a chile) But I don’t have the time! I don’t!

JASON
Calm down, now. You do

CHARLIE
(starts stamping his feet) NO! NO! NO!

JASON
Easy there. (puts his arm around him) Why don’t you come into my office and we’ll talk about it.

CHARLIE
(shake him off) I. Don’t. Want. To!

CHARLIE THROWS HIMSELF ON THE FLOOR AND STARTS WRITHING, CRYING AND WHINING. SARAH WALKS IN.

SARAH (to Jason, angry)
What did you do to him?

JASON
Nothing! I just told him he was on the Jenson case.

SARAH
You can’t just TELL him. You have to transition him.

JASON
But, what’s the big deal?

SARAH
God! You just don’t know how to handle these people, do you?

JASON
I don’t see why I have to “handle” adults.

SARAH
(sigh) They are not “grown adults”, Jason. They’re EMPLOYEES.

SARAH KNEELS DOWN TO TALK TO CRYING CHARLIE

SARAH
Charlie? Sweetie? Do you want to get up and come with Sarah?

CHARLIE
NO! I wanna stay here!

SARAH
If you come with me, I’ve got cookies in my office and I’ll share them with you.

CHARLIE
(sniff) Cookies?

SARAH
Mmm-hmmm. And apple juice.

CHARLIE
(excited) In a box?

SARAH
Yes, in a box. But Charlie?

CHARLIE
(starts to stand) Yeah?

SARAH
Before we have cookies and juice, I need you help me with something, okay?

CHARLIE
Okay.

SARAH
I need you to look at the Jensen file for me.

CHARLIE
Sure! Let’s go!

CHARLIE RUNS OUT OF THE BREAK ROOM. SARAH GIVES JASON A SMUG LOOK.

JASON
They’re a bunch of fuckin’ babies!

SARAH
You’re starting to get it.

END

The Martyrs

2010-09-02T11:58:00.001-07:00

The Martyr Family

INT. Martin’s dinner table. Dad, and Sissy are meeting Denny’s girlfriend Haley for the first time.

Dad
Helen, we are so happy to finally meet you.

Helen
And I’m happy to meet all of you too.

Dad
You weren’t lying Denny, she’s top notch

Denny
Told ya, Dad.

Helen
Aw!

Sissy accidently spills her milk

Sissy
Oops!

Helen
Oh, hey…here use my napkin.

Sissy
Oh, that’s okay! I’m fine.

Helen
But you have a lap full of milk

Denny
Sissy’s used to being uncomfortable.

Sissy
Yeah, awkward is my life!

Dad and Denny laugh.

Haley
That’s not even funny…

Mom (off camera)
Here comes the turkey!

Mom enters with a humungous, 40 lb turkey. You can barely see her and she’s obviously straining from the weight.

Here, let me help you!

Mom
NO! NO! I got it! It’s okay.

Mom sets down the turkey. Her wrists are deformed.

Haley
(gasp) Your wrists!

Denny
Oh, mom gets deformed all the time!

Mom
It’s nothing. Just a mom’s sacrifice to feed her kids. (winking) Maybe someday you two will know about that.

The Entire Family
Oohhh! Subtle! Hint-hint!

Mom
So, Ben, will you do the honors? (hands him the carving knife and fork)

Dad
Will do!

Dad starts to carve, but accidently cuts his off his finger

Dad
Aaaaahh! I lost my finger!

Haley
Oh my god! I’ll call an ambulance

The Entire Family
NO!

Denny
Sweetie, we’re not an “ambulance” kind of family

Haley
But he lost his finger!

Dad
(through the pain) I’m good! I’m good! I only cut it off at the knuckle! I’ll just put this in the freezer and we’ll be chowing down in no time!

Mom
He’s fine!

Haley
At least let me get you a towel or something…

Dad
No need! No need! I made a tourniquet with my shoelace.

Haley
But-

Denny
He’s fine, Haley. Let it go.

Haley
But that’s crazy!

Denny
(waving arms) It’s just the way my family acts! Please just-(knocks over hot gravy on his lap) Aaahhh!

Haley
Oh my god-(looks around, realizes no one is reacting. ) Let me guess…he’s fine.

Denny
I’m great!

Dad
He’s peachy

Mom
Perfect!

Sissy
Swell!

Haley
Well, I might as well join in—

Takes a pot of hot coffee and throws it in her face.

Haley
Aaaaaah! I’m good too.

Dad
(raising glass) To family

Everyone
To family!

Office Meeting

2010-09-01T14:25:00.001-07:00

EXT. Gregor Industries
INT of a woman’s restroom. JENNY is at the sink, washing her hands. MINNIE walks in.

MINNIE
Hey Jenny! I’m glad I ran into you. We need to talk about the Munsen deal.

JENNY
(indicates she is leaving) Sure, I’ll be--

MINNIE
(interrupts as she enters the bathroom) I agree with your email. (closes bathroom door and locks it) We definitely need to optimize those numbers

MINNIE lets out a huge fart. JENNY is uncomfortable and not sure if she should go.

MINNIE
You there, Jen?

JENNY
Um…yeah. Do you want to talk about this later?

MINNIE
Oh! You mind hanging out? I’m loaded (SFX of small, short fart) with meetings the rest of the day. (SFX of diarrhea squirt.) So, those numbers…

JENNY
Um, well, they seem a little off

MINNIE
(grunting it out) Exactly. The problem seems to be that we’re putting all of our eggs in the equity basket. C’mon, get outta my ass!

JENNY
Are you okay?

MINNIE
(grunting, followed by SFX of big “plop!”) YES! Yes, I’m good. (More SFX of farts) So I say we rework the plan, focus less on (SFX explosive diarrhea) equity and more on (SFX fart) asset leverage.

JENNY
(over Minnie’s farts) I actually wrote up a plan just like that. (SFX of Minnie starting to pee)

MINNIE
Fantastic! Can you email it to me? (SFX toilet flush)

JENNY
Sure!

MINNIE
(comes out of restroom stall) Great. (grabs Jenny’s hand) You’re a real go-getter, Jen.

JENNY
(obviously disgusted by Minnie’s unwashed hand) Er, thanks.

MINNIE
Well, back to work!

MINNIE LEAVES WITHOUT WASHING HER HANDS. JENNY STARTS CRYING AND WASHING HER HANDS LIKE SHE HAS OCD.

END

Arty Farty

2009-09-30T08:18:00.000-07:00

SVEN AND THIBALD, ARE TWO GUYS IN THEIR 30’S DRESSED IN BLACK TURTLENECKS AND WATCHING A PIECE OF ADVANT GUARD THEATER ART IN A MUSEUM. WE CAN’T SEE WHAT THEY’RE WATCHING.

SVEN
It’s riveting…the statement she’s making.
.
THIBALD
Her irony is boundless

SVEN
…yet so clear about the intricacies of life.

THIBALD
I can see the depth of the human connection

SVEN
I see the fragility of the human experience

THIBALD
I can see-oh crap. I can’t do this anymore, Sven.

SVEN
Is the nuance providing too much stimulation, Thibald?

THIBALD
No. It’s just that this is bullshit.

SVEN
No, this piece of Art Theater is Complexities Of Class by Amelia Perez.

CAMERA PANS OUT TO REVEAL A MIDDLE AGED HISPANIC WOMAN MOPPING.

THIBALD
It just looks like a cleaning lady mopping to me.

SVEN
She’s challenging us to look beyond the obvious.

THIBALD
She’s cleaning the floor

SVEN
Thibald, you just need to look deeper. See the art.

THIBALD
Here’s the thing. I looked deeper and all I smell is Pine Sol. And bullshit.

SVEN
Thibald, please…

THIBALD
My name’s not Thibald, it’s Mac. Look, I can’t take it anymore. You’re cute, but it’s not worth it.

SVEN
I’m sorry to hear that.

THIBALD
So long.

THIBALD LEAVES. THE CLEANING WOMAN BENDS OVER TO PICK UP HER BUCKET OF WATER AND SHE LETS OUT A FART.

CLEANING LADY
Dios mio! Lo siento!

SVEN
Brilliant!

END

Writing A Thesis Just To Get Girls

2009-09-29T13:04:00.000-07:00

A PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM is in his office with his nerdy advisee, LEROY

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
Leroy, we need to discuss your thesis topics

LEROY
Is there a problem, Professor?

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
Let’s start with your topic. “A Social-Psychological Study To Determine Whether Or Not Beautiful Women Have More Boyfriends.”

LEROY
I think that has a real shot of being published.

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
It’s a little… obvious, don’t you think?

LEROY
Well, maybe. I got another one though.

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
Wonderful. Let’s have it.

LEROY
“A Comprehensive Study On The Personality Traits Of Extremely Attractive Women.”

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
No.

LEROY
How about. “A Study Of Hot Chicks”

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM SHAKES HIS HEAD

LEROY
“Good Looking Girls-What’s Up With That?”

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM WINCES

LEROY(cont’)
“Asking Beautiful Women What I Can Do To Make Them Like Me.”.

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
Leroy, stop. Sociology is not a study in finding you a date. It’s about helping others achieve awareness and reaching a higher order of understanding.

LEROY
How about…”Understanding Smokin’ Babes, Is It Possible?”

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
I can see we’re not communicating on the same level.

LEROY
Guess not. I’ll call the guidance office and get reassigned.

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
Very good.

LEROY LEAVES. AFTER THE DOOR CLOSES, 3 HOT BABES EMERGE FROM UNDER PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM’S DESK.

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
I thought he’d never leave. Now, who’s ready for another questionnaire?

THE GIRLS SQUEAL IN DELIGHT. JUST LIKE WHAT I’LL DO IF I EVER WRITE A DECENT SKETCH ENDING.

I Wanna Mess You Up

2009-09-28T13:59:00.001-07:00

BOB IS SITTING ON THE COUCH IN HIS ELDERLY FEMALE THERAPIST’S OFFICE.

THERAPIST
I have to say, Bob, I don’t see what the problem is.

BOB
That’s just it, Doctor! I’m too well-adjusted. I need your help.

THERAPIST
Most people spend their lives trying to get to where you are. Why would you want to change that?

BOB
Easy. Fucked up guys have more fun.

THERAPIST
That is absolutely not true.

BOB
It’s completely true. How many comedians do you know who are emotionally stable?

THERAPIST
None. They’re the lifeblood of my business.

BOB
Exactly!

THERAPIST
But just because a comedian makes jokes, it doesn’t mean he’s having fun.

BOB
Let’s see… a comic hangs around smart, funny people all the time, he becomse friends with famous people and he gets laid with girls way better looking then they deserve.

THERAPIST
Good point. But most of them are too depressed to enjoy their lives, so there’s a payoff.

BOB
I see your point. So if you can just make me a little fucked up, that’d be good. Like, more Paul Rudd fucked up than Kurt Cobain fucked up.

THERAPIST
I can’t do that.

BOB
You can try. Please! Fucked up people get laid more!

THERAPIST
I disagree.

BOB
So I suppose you never broke up with anyone because he was “too nice.”

THERAPSIT PAUSES

BOB
See! I knew it! So make me fucked up.

THERAPIST
I’m afraid it’s not that easy.

BOB
It can’t be too hard. What do I need?

THERAPIST
An early childhood trauma would be a good start.

BOB
Come on! Something I can actually get!

THERAPIST
It goes against everything I’ve learned. I build self esteem and confidence, I don’t take it away.

BOB
Well, then, I guess you’re not up for the challenge. Too bad. I thought you were good.

THERAPIST
I am good. I’ve published 2 books, I have a waiting list of people who want my help…

BOB
Well, tell the waiting list a spot just opened up. If you can’t figure out a way to give your client what he needs, that’s not good.

BOB STARTS TO LEAVE

THERAPIST
Bob! Wait!

BOB TURNS AROUND AND THE THERAPIST TEARS OPEN HER SHIRT AND FLASHES HER ELDERLY BODY AT HIM

BOB
OH MY GOD! NOOOOOO!

BOB THROW UP IN THE WASTEPAPER BASKET

BOB
Dude, that’s fucked up.

END

Coital Contract

2009-09-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

NICOLE AND MARIO STEWART ARE SITTNG ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF A CONFERENCE TABLE WITH THEIR LAWYERS, A WOMAN AND A MAN RESPECTIVELY.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
If Mr. Stewart is willing to give up 2 minutes of blow job time, my client is willing to give up 4 minutes of post-coital cuddle time.

MARIO’S LAWYER
That’s hardly an equal exchange.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
Have you ever given a blow job, counseler?

MARIO’S LAWYER
No. I’m heterosexual.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
Then take it from a heterosexual female. It takes a lot less effort to hold a woman in your arms than a penis in your mouth. Especially one of…exceptional girth.

MARIO(to Nicole)
Hey thanks!

NICOLE
(shrugs) It’s true.

MARIO’S LAWYER QUIETLY CONFERS WITH MARIO

MARIO
Fine. But we’re going to have to let us set strict limitations on post coital conversation.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
You’re kidding me. The conversation clause is more than half of the agreement!

MARIO’S LAWYER
My client wants to limit the topics to questions that my client can answer with non-commital “Mmmm-hmmm’s.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
Can we at least keep 10 minutes of deep analysis of the relationship?

MARIO SHAKES HIS HEAD EMPHATICALLY.

MARIO’S LAWYER
No.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
Not even 5 minutes of your client reassuring my client of her body parts?

MARIO’S LAWYER QUIETLY CONFERS WITH MARIO

MARIO
My client feels the foreplay talk of “You’re so hot” should suffice.

NICOLE’S LAWYER QUIETLY CONFERS WITH NICOLE

NICOLE’S LAWYER
My client will agree if we can strike the “You’re the best I’ve ever had” post coital clause.

MARIO’S LAWYER LOOKS OVER AT MARIO. MARIO SHRUGS.

MARIO’S LAWYER
That’s more than fair.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
So it appears we’ve got an agreement.

EVERYONE STANDS UP.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
I’ll have the revisions to you tomorrow morning.

MARIO’S LAWYER
Good. And our clients can enjoy wonderful intercourse for the rest of their relationship.

NICOLE
Actually, we just broke up.

MARIO
She texted me a minute ago and I was relieved.

NICOLE
Yeah. Sorry to have wasted your time.

NICOLE’S LAWYER AND MARIO’S LAWYER STARE BLANKLY. NICOLE’S LAWYER COME TO FIRST.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
Do you have a contract for Funeral Sex?

MARIO’S LAWYER
Good call. I wouldn’t break up without one of those.

NICOLE
What’s that?

MARIO
I think it’s the 3 or 4 times you have sex with your ex after a break up.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
That is correct. Every break up should have one.

MARIO’S LAWYER
I’ve seen break ups without them. Very messy.

NICOLE
Well, I guess we should…

MARIO SHRUGS

NICOLE’S LAWYER
Perfect. We’ll meet here tomorrow? Say 2 o’clock?

EVERYONE NODS. THE SCREEN BLURS AND WE SEE NICOLE AND MARIO’S LAWYERS ROLLING AROUND TOGETHER IN PILES OF MONEY.

Girlfriend Break Up

2009-09-27T11:00:00.000-07:00

BECCA AND NICOLE, TWO WOMEN IN THEIR EARLY 30s, ARE SITTING IN A CAFÉ.

NICOLE

…and so I said, nah-ah Mister. I get 10 minutes of snuggle time for every 1 minute of blow job. And that, (definitely snaps her fingers in the air) is NON-negotiable.

BECCA

Mmmm…

NICOLE

Is something the matter? You seem distracted.

BECCA

Nothing, no. (sighs) Well actually…

NICOLE

Come on. Spit it out. I’m one of your best friends.

BECCA

That’s just it.

NICOLE

What do you mean?

BECCA

I think…oh! this is so hard! ….we should…take a break.

NICOLE

A break?

BECCA

Yeah. I’m going through a weird time right now.

NICOLE

(incredulously) Are you breaking up with me?

BECCA

No! No! It’s just a break.

NICOLE

No. Admit it! I’m being friend dumped.

BECCA

Fine. You’re right.

NICOLE

I-I can’t believe this. (starts crying) Why? What’s wrong with me?

BECCA

Nothing’s wrong with you! You’re so great! And you deserve a friend who really appreciates you.

NICOLE

That is such a bullshit cop out and you know it. At least be honest with me.

BECCA

OK, if you really want to know, I think you’ve gotten too comfortable.

NICOLE

I thought that’s what you’re supposed to do with friends.

BECCA

To a point, yes. But…I mean, take this for example. (She waves around the coffee shop)

NICOLE

What’s wrong with Starbucks?

BECCA

You used to find cute little indie coffee joints for us! Now it’s just…generic and boring. And look at the way you’re dressed!

NICOLE

I’m comfortable. It’s Saturday afternoon!

BECCA

When we were first friends, you used to wear cute outfits from Anthropology, now it’s just sweats! You don’t even put on gloss!

NICOLE

Why didn’t you mention this before?

BECCA

I did! Remember when I gave you my free gift from Sephora? It was such a clear hint but you didn’t care!

NICOLE

I thought you were just being nice. I didn’t realize it was a statement.

BECCA

It’s obvious you can’t read me. And that’s not good.

NICOLE

I think you’re being harsh and rash. We can work this out.

BECCA

I’m sorry, Nicole. I’m done. I LIKE you, but I’m not “IN” like with you.

NICOLE

You’re going to realize you made a bit mistake.

BECCA

I don’t think so.

NICOLE

Fine! I guess I’ll just get pedis with Stella Daniels from now on.

BECCA

Stella Daniels? I thought you hated her feet.

NICOLE

Well, I’m not the one who’s buffing them, so what do I care?

BECCA

Whatever.

NICOLE

In fact, I think I’ll invite her to the Feist concert. Maybe I’ll wear sweatpants.

BECCA

Oh come on! You KNOW she’s my favorite singer! You wouldn’t even know who she was if it wasn’t for me!

NICOLE

I like Feist!

BECCA

Oh yeah, name TWO of her songs.

(beat)

BECCA(cont’)

Ha! You can’t!

NICOLE

I don’t need to prove anything to you. We’re not friends anymore, remember?

BECCA

Fine.

NICOLE

Fine.

BECCA

I guess I’ll get going.

NICOLE

Go! Go on now-walk out that door!

BECCA GETS UP AND LEAVES. NICOLE IS LEFT THERE DISTRAUGHT. CONNIE, A TIMID AND CUTE YOUNG WOMAN, GOES UP TO NICOLE.

CONNIE

Excuse me, is this seat taken?

NICOLE

No. You can sit here.

CONNIE

I love your sweats!

NICOLE

Really? I got them at the GapI'm sorry. I-

NICOLE PAUSES AND SIGHS

CONNIE

Is something wrong?

NICOLE

I'm sorry. I'm just not ready for this.

NICOLE RUNS AWAY CRYING.

CRAP ENDING

Natural Food Store Security

2009-09-25T13:50:00.000-07:00

EYELYN, A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE A HUMANITIES PROFESSOR AT NYU, IS ABOUT TO LEAVE A NATURAL FOODS STORE. MATTHEW, A YOUNG WHITE MAN IN DREADS WEARING A MARLEY T-SHIRT AND WEARING BIRKENSTOCKS APPROACHES HER.

MATTHEW
Excuse me, m'am. I'm sorry to interupt your personal space, but I have a question.

EVELYN
That's fine. I invite you into my inner aura.

MATTHEW STEPS CLOSER

MATTHEW
I noticed you slipped an organic, raw food, oatmeal vegan cookie in your hemp bag.

EVELYN
Yes.

MATTHEW
And you didn't pay respects to goods that went into making that cookie.

EVELYN
I highly respect the every part of this cookie. To the oats who gave their lives to the raisins who allowed themselves to be plucked from their homes.

MATTHEW
I am not accusing you of cookie bigotry. Only that you forgot to do a personal tribute to the cookie's manufacturers.

EVELYN
I have nothing but high regard for the bakers who warmed their hands making my cookie.

MATTHEW
It's not that. It's just...

EVELYN
Stop. I can't bear to hear it. You accuse me of disrespecting ingredients. You accuse me of disregarding labor. What's next? Are you going to call me a Republican.

THE ENTIRE STORE GASPS. AN ELDERLY HIPPIE MAN FAINTS.

HIPPIE GIRL
Sexist!

HIPPIE GUY
Ageist!

HIPPIE OTHER GUY
Inclusionist!

MATTHEW
No! No! Look, I'm don't think ill of this woman. It's just that...

HIPPIE GIRL
What-she isn't pretty enough to shop here?

HIPPIE GUY
Or maybe she's too old!

HIPPIE OTHER GUY
Or not bourgeouis enough!

MATTHEW
She didn't pay, okay! That's all! Look, lady-

HE TURNS AROUND AND EVELYN IS GONE. SHE SNUCK OUT WHILE HE WAS BEING ATTACKED WITH HER STOLEN COOKIE.

THE CROWD ALL MURMER "OOOOOOH" AND CONTINUE SHOPPING.

HIPPIE GUY
The people who shop here are really going downhill...

THE END. YUCK.

Let's Get This Party Over

2009-09-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

OPEN ON A GROUP OF GUYS DRINKING AND HAVING FUN IN A SMALL APARTMENT. ALAN, KEN, LINC AND NICK ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A JOKE WHEN TONY ENTERS.

KEN
so I said, go ahead! The room's already paid for!

ALL THE GUYS LAUGH

TONY
That's funny, Ken. Soooo...I hate to break up the fun, but Sandy wants to get to bed...

ALL THE GUYS OOOH AND NUDGE BUT IN A MORE GUY-LIKE WAY THAN I'M DESCRIBING.

TONY
No, no, she's got a big day tomorrow

LINC
And she wants the big one tonight!

ALL THE GUYS LAUGH AND CUT UP IN GUY FASHION LIKE THEY DO WHENEVER THE SUBJECT OF SEX COMES UP.

TONY
Seriously, guys. You gotta get going.

ALAN
Well, I need to go anyway. Nick, wanna share a cab?

NICK
Sure.

NICK AND ALAN GET UP AND START TO HEAD FOR THE DOOR. NICK TURNS AROUND.

NICK
(to Ken and Linc) You guys coming?

KEN
Yeah, I'm right after you. I just wanna finish this beer.

LINC
I've gotta stop at the john.

NICK SITS BACK DOWN

TONY
Wait-why are you sitting?

NICK
I don't want to be the first to leave.

TONY
It's no big deal.

NICK
Yeah it is. I might miss something.

TONY
You won't miss anything. You're leaving with Alan, and Linc and Ken are right behind you.

NICK
And THAT, my friend is the primo time for missing good shit.

TONY
That's absurd.

ALAN
Actually, it's not. Remember when I had to leave Kenny's wedding 'cause Alyssa's water broke? And then something happened with that waitress...

KEN, LINC, TONY AND NICK ALL STAND UP AND START FLAPPING THEIR ARMS LIKE CHICKENS.

ALL 3
Boob-a-tude Interlude! Woo Dude!

ALAN
I still don't know what that means.

TONY
Trust me, it's no big deal.

LINC
You SAY it's no big deal, but you laugh hysterically whenever anyone uses the word "benign."

TONY, NICK, ALAN and KEN ALL START LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY

LINC
See how I'm not laughing. Because you guys made that inside joke when I went home after the 2002 baseball playoffs because of my cold.

KEN
I left early during the 2003 playoffs. Bad clams. I still don't understand why you guys over pronounce the "s" when you order buffalo...

TONY, NICK, ALAN and LINC
Wingssssssssssssssss

NICK
And why in fuck's hell does LINC always have a maxi pad on his right arm?

KEN
Becasue he's...

TONY, KEN, ALAN and LINC (while high-fiving)
Padalicious!

TONY
Look guys, we all have inside bits...it's no big deal not to get them.

LINC
I've got an idea. Let's all leave together.

NICK
Good one.

KEN
That way no one's left out.

KEN, LINC, NICK AND ALAN ALL START TO LEAVE.

TONY
Wait! Don't leave me alone! I don't want to miss anything!

KEN
But what about Sandy?

TONY
She can fuck herself.

CLASSY! THEN THEY ALL HIGH FIVE LIKE CONSUMMATE GENTLEMEN

END

When Fran Drescher As "The Nanny" Is A Sister Wife

2009-09-23T13:36:00.001-07:00

Do I even need to write anything? I think the title alone is funny enough. Ok, fine. Here's a sketch:

OPEN ON A POLYGAMIST COMPOUND. WE'RE IN THE HOUSE OF JASPER, A POLYGAMIST WITH 20 WIVES. HE IS IN FRONT OF A MOB OF HIS WIVES AND 100-PLUS CHILDREN.

JASPER
My dear wives and children, God has blessed us with another member of our fold.

WIVES AND CHILDREN EXCITEDLY MURMUR

JASPER
May I introduce...Sister Fran!

FRAN DRESCHER ENTERS

FRAN DRESCHER
Helllooo! Wow! You told me you had a big family Jasper, but I wasn't expecting a Madonna concert! Heh-heh-heh.

JASPER
I will leave you all to get acquainted. (to Fran)...and I'll visit you tonight.

FRAN DRESCHER
Bring chocolate. Heh-heh-heh-heh.

JASPER EXITS. PENELOPE, THE FIRST AND OLDEST WIFE, STEPS FORWARD

PENELOPE
Welcome to our family, Sister Fran. I'm sister Penelope.

FRAN DRESCHER
I love your hair. Heh-heh-heh. Get it? It's just like mine.

PENELOPE
I will be issuing the chores tonight. You will clean the windows.

FRAN DRESCHER
Oh honey, the only thing I "do" is lunch. Heh-heh-heh.

PENELOPE
We all pitch in to run our home.

FRAN DRESCHER
Don't worry, deah. I have a something to contribute

PENELOPE
What is that?

FRAN DRESCHER PULLS OUT A BUNCH OF BENDEL'S SHOPPING BAGS AND A HAT BOX

FRAN
Shopping! Everyone here obviously could use a little pick me up! Let's go!

PENELOPE
We are not allowed to leave the compound. It's prayer hour.

FRAN
Well, consider your prayers answered. I got a Hummer and more plastic than the entire Jackson 5.

CUT TO A SHOPPING MONTAGE WITH THE 20 SISTER WIVES, INCLUDING TRYING ON CLOTHES AND GETTING THEIR HAIR DONE.

CUT BACK TO THE COMPOUND. EVERYONE IS DOLLED UP AND IT LOOKS LIKE A DISCO.

PENELOPE
Oh Fran, I had no idea I was so oppressed! Thank-you.

FRAN
Don't mention it! Let's party!

JASPER ENTERS. HE IS INCENSED.

JASPER
What-what is going on here? You are all defying God's will with dancing and liquor and, and...whore paint!

FRAN
Jaaaaaaaaassss-pah, calm down. We're just having a little fun!

JASPER
I will not tolerate this kind of behavior from my property.

FRAN
Well, will you tolerate this?

FRAN SWEEPS HER ARM AND THE CAMERA PANS OVER TO A LARGE PILE OF MONEY.

FRAN
We went to the OTB and won millions!

PENELOPE
I discovered my knack for dog racing, Master.

JASPER LOOKS AT THE MONEY, LOOKS AT HIS WIVES, LOOKS AT THE MONEY, LOOKS AT HIS WIVES.

HE CROSSES HIS ARMS.

JASPER
Oh, you!

THEY ALL LAUGH AND END!

Jobless Job

2009-09-23T13:34:00.001-07:00

HUNTER IS BEING INTERVIEWED FOR A JOB BY MR. GARGOYE

HUNTER
--and that’s how I won the Young Minds 2007 award.

MR. GARGOYE
Very impressive. I have to say, you’re definitely my pick, Mr. Eaves. Welcome!

HUNTER
Wow! Thanks!

MR. GARGOYE
Do you have any questions for me?

HUNTER
Actually, yes. I met Maddie who heads Human Resources, and Jeff who’ll be my supervisor on the Bugaboo Account. But…oh, never mind.

MR. GARGOYE
What do you mean never mind? There’s no such thing as a dumb question, young man.

HUNTER
Okay. Um, what exactly do you do?

MR. GARGOYE KIND OF FREEZES.

MR. GARGOYE
Well, I interview candidates like yourself.

HUNTER
Yes, but everyone does that. What do you do besides that?

MR. GARGOYE
I, er..manage…things.

HUNTER
What kinds of things? Are you a liason between the client and the company?

MR. GARGOYE
Not exactly.

HUNTER
Do you analyze data reports?

MR. GARGOYE
Nnnnnn-no.

HUNTER
Do you supervise a project?

MR. GARGOYE
Never.

HUNTER
Do YOU even know why you’re here?

MR. GARGOYE
Of course I do! Let me show you. (He logs onto website and turns computer screen towards Hunter) There! On the company website! Lou Gargoye is an integral part of the Heinie Marketing team. In his spare time, he enjoys spending time out in Fire Island with his wife, Jenny, and their sons, Lou Jr. and Michael.

HUNTER
That doesn’t say much.

MR. GARGOYE
I’m an integral part of the marketing team! What more do you need to know?

HUNTER
But how? What do you do that’s so integral?

MR. GARGOYE
I spend time with my wife and kids on Fire Island.

HUNTER
That has nothing to do with business.

MR. GARGOYE
It has everything to do with Hanes Industries.

HUNTER
This is Heinie Marketing.

MR. GARGOYE
You know, I don’t think I like your attitude.

HUNTER
I’m just trying to figure out how things work around here.

MR. GARGOYE
Well, don’t.

HUNTER
Look, I’m sorry.

GARGOYE
Young man, when you’ve been in the business world a little longer, you’ll come to realize that some people are here just to help make things function by not helping. Doing nothing is just as important as reports and analysis.

HUNTER
It makes no sense to me. I guess I have a lot to learn.

GARGOYE
You do. And you’re fired.

HUNTER
What? You barely hired me!

GARGOYE
It’s what I do.

END. THANK GOD.

Forbidden Love Is The Best

2009-09-22T11:39:00.001-07:00

OPEN ON ELIZABETH AND EDWARD, TWO VICTORIAN-ERA LOVERS EMBRACING IN AN 18TH CENTURY SITTING ROOM.

ELIZABETH
Oh Edward! Why is it wrong to love?

EDWARD
My dear, dear Elizabeth…we are from separate societies…you are of highest class and I, lowly upper middle class…

ELIZABETH
I don’t care! My heart desires you, and only you, darling!

EDWARD
And mine, you.

ELIZABETH
I don’t care what Papa says, there is no other!

EDWARD
You are my one, my only.

THEY EMBRACE. AGAIN. THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND THEY QUICKLY PULL APART. DESMOND, ELIZABETH’S FOOTMEN, ENTERS

DESMOND
Pardon me for interrupting, Milady, but a letter has arrived for Master Wellington.

ELIZABETH
Thank-you, Desmond.

SHE GIVES DESMOND AN OBVIOUS VISUAL CUE TO LEAVE. HE REMAINS STANDING AT ATTENTION.

ELIZABETH
I said thank-you, Desmond.

DESMOND
I’ve been instructed by your father to remain in your station at all times Master Wellington is present, Miss.

ELIZABETH
(to Edward) Ha! Papa thinks the attendance of a lowly footman will diminish my passion!

EDWARD
(opening letter) Little does he know it only fans the flames of our desires! (reads) Good gracious!

ELIZABETH
What is it, darling? Bad news? Do you have to leave for war again? Oh, cruel fate!

EDWARD
I’m happy to say that as of this moment, fate is not cruel at all, but rather kind.

ELIZABETH
What ever do you mean?

EDWARD
My uncle just died. He left me his fortune!

ELIZABETH
He must have other relatives for whom you are to share the fortune, Edward.

EDWARD
No, milady. I am the only male heir. Tis all mine!

ELIZABETH
Surely it cannot amount to much. For are you not from a family of poor farmers?

EDWARD
Apparently the King wanted his land for a polo field. He paid my uncle a, well, a “King’s Ransom” Heh-heh-heh.

ELIZABETH
Edward, please don’t joke like that. It’s silly. And not funny.

EDWARD
Darling! Why are you so cross? This means that I am worthy of your hand in marriage!

ELIZABETH
Yyyyyes, but, but, we have other obstacles! You don’t have a title! Papa would never approve!

EDWARD
I assure you, with this fortune I can buy any title I choose!

DESMOND, THE FOOTMAN, STEPS IN

DESMOND
If I may be so bold as to speak,, Miss. Your father informed me that should Master Wellington ever acquire a title, he would be quite happy.

ELIZABETH
But…but Papa does not care for Edward’s rouge spirit and sharp tongue! He will never approve!

DESMOND
Your father informed me that Master Wellington reminds him of himself when he was of the same age.

ELIZABETH
Ew!

EDWARD
I beg your pardon?

ELIZABETH
It is just that, if I may be frank…

EDWARD
Of course, darling. Come into my arms, my betrothed! Together we will share a lifetime of frank discussion!

HE REACHES OVER TO EMBRACE ELIZABETH, SHE SHIMMIES AWAY.

ELIZABETH
No, Edward, stop smothering me!

EDWARD
But my darling usually craves my embrace.

ELIZABETH
It’s just, well, now that we are well suited for one another, it’s not as amusing anymore.

EDWARD
Amusing? I assure you, I’m just as amusing. Why, the other day I caught a joke about a Friar and—

ELIZABETH
Stop it! Just stop it! That’s not it.

EDWARD
But this should make you so happy! We no longer have to hide away for stolen kisses.

ELIZABETH
I rather liked the hiding. It was exciting.

EDWARD
How about your father approving? Indeed that must bring you pleasure.

ELIZABETH
Every time I kiss you I will see my father’s approving grin. It is like dousing my firey loins with buckets of water!

EDWARD
So there is nothing I can do to convince you?

ELIZABETH
I’m sorry, Edward. But we must part.

EDWARD
May I have one last kiss before I go?

ELIZABETH
I suppose I can stomach one…

THEY EMBRACE FOR A LONG, PASSIONATE KISS AND DRAMATICALLY PULL APART.

EDWARD
I see what you mean.

ELIZABETH
Am I right?

EDWARD
It’s not quite….there, is it?

ELIZABETH
No.

EDWARD
I suppose I’m going to have to find myself a lesser woman, maybe a school teacher or a chamber maid

ELIZABETH
Perhaps a prostitute.

EDWARD
Indeed. Well, off I go.

EDWARD EXITS.

DESMOND AND ELIZABETH STARE AT ONE ANOTHER.

ELIZABETH
Darling!

THEY EMBRACE AND BEGIN TO MAKE OUT.

END.

Colorful Language

2009-09-21T17:43:00.000-07:00

CANDACE, A STYLISHLY DRESSED MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN, IS IN THE BACK OF A CAB AND RAY, A GRUFF CAB DRIVER IS BEHIND THE WHEEL.

CANDACE
Could you pull over and drop me off by the Santa Fe Sky awning?

RAY
The what? I only see a nail place and a pizza parlour.

CANDACE
You obviously have a very limited color palette.

RAY
Is Santa Fe Sky a color? What are you talking about?

CANDACE
Santa Fe Sky is the color of granite with a hint of crushed, dried roses, tinged with amber highlights.

RAY
Never heard of it. Never seen it.

CANDACE
It's right there! By the small pet store!

RAY
Oh-that tan one?

CANDACE
You are atrocious.

RAY
Because I said a color.

CANDACE
Brown is not a color. It's a pile of dung, is what it is. Now look-we missed my stop. Just pull over by the Toast Of New York sandwich board.

RAY
Huh?

CANDACE
It's right next to the woman VooDoo Pink dress.
(beat)
She carrying those Blushing Bride balloons.
(beat)
Right by the man wearing oxfords in Away We Hoe.

RAY
I don't get you.

CANDACE
You don't get wanting to make the world brighter through adjectives?

RAY
Nope.

CANDACE
You don't get trying to see the beauty in the ordinary?

RAY
Nah.

CANDACE
(losing it) You don't get that after THIRTY YEARS of naming GOD DAMNED nail polish colors, I just want to eke out some kind of JUSTIFICATION FOR MY EXISTENCE?!

RAY
That, I get.

CANDACE
Thank you.

RAY
Damn. I drove past your stop.

CANDACE
That's okay. Pull over by the OrangeYouGlad storefront.

RAY
OR...I can drop you off by the...by the...Snot Green Shit Colored bum over there?

CANDACE
(pause) That was...nice. Thank-you.

RAY
You're welcome.

CANDACE
My apartment is there, so that's fine. I'm going to go home, have a bottle of Burdeax, then commit suicide with a razor and a bottle of pills.

RAY
Is that a color?

CANDACE
No.

SUICIDE ENDING!

Armed and Dangerous

2009-09-20T17:07:00.001-07:00

Jordan, a man in his 30’s is going through Customs. Clarissa, a middle aged woman, is his customs agent.

CLARISSA
Do you have anything to claim?

JORDAN
(in bad, fake English accent) A newfound worldly intelligence and an awakened charm that would melt the frown off a spinster, Madame.

CLARISSA
(unfazed) Anything worth more than $200?

JORDAN
I assure you, young lady, my joie de vive is priceless.

CLARISSA
Fine. Put a price on it.

JORDAN
(aghast) You want me to place a monetary value on my cosmopolitan worldview and dashing sense of adventure?

CLARISSA
If you’re going to claim it, yes.

JORDAN
Milady, it would take the work of the most studied anthropologists to determine a value on what I possess.

CLARISSA
Take a guess.

JORDAN
(ruminates) 60 billion dollars.

CLARISSA
So you want to claim 60 billion dollars of…

JORDAN
Incomparable wit

CLARISSA
Whatever. If you claim 60 billion dollars of anything, you are going to have to pay taxes on it.

JORDAN
Ah, money. To the poor tis so important and to those who possess the wealth of intelligence, so insignificant.

CLARISSA
You’re willing to pay 8% of 60 BILLION dollars?

JORDAN
A pittance compared to my returns, M’lady.

CLARISSA
That’s about 4.8 billion dollars.

(beat)

JORDAN
Perhaps I was a wee hasty.

CLARISSA
I thought so.

JORDAN
Tis rather gauche to claim an earthly value on such that is obtained from the Gods of knowledge and beauty, no?

CLARISSA
I dunno.

JORDAN
Let’s put aside this matter, shall we? I will only be claiming my dandy walking stick. Here is the receipt.

CLARISSA
Good.

JORDAN
Now may I make my way, m’sweet?

CLARISSA
Yes. Go! Go!

JORDAN
At the risk of being assumptive, I will be enjoying an aperitif in the Flying High Lounge later while waiting for my parents to arrive. I’ll expect you after your shift?

CLARISSA
Go!

JORDAN
Farewell.

CLYDE, CLARISSA’S CO-WORKER COMES UP FROM BEHIND HER.

CLYDE
You took a few shortcuts on that one, heh?

CLARISSA
I’d rather lose my job than ask him if he’s carrying a concealed weapon.

END

Now She Has Two Babies

2009-09-19T12:14:00.000-07:00

FRANK IS SITTING AT HIS KITCHEN TABLE, OBVIOUSLY TROUBLED. GINA, HIS WIFE, ENTERS.

GINA
Honey, is something wrong.

FRANK
(sighs)Well, yes. We need to talk. Sit down

GINA, CONCERNED, SITS ACROSS FROM HIM

GINA
Frank, what is it?

FRANK
I think...there's something going on with you-

GINA
But Frank, I-

FRANK
(interupts) Please, let me finish. You're always distracted, you're always tired. You don't have time for me like you used to. You cry at the drop of a hat-

GINA
Frank, c'mon now-

FRANK
(takes a deep breath)I think you're having an affair.

GINA
Frank, I just had a baby.

FRANK
That was a long time ago!

GINA
It's been two weeks, Frank.

FRANK
It doesn't explain why you disconnect the phone at night!

GINA
I don't want to wake Emma.

FRANK
-or why you fall asleep in the middle of our conversations.

GINA
I'm getting less sleep than a POW right now.

FRANK
Well, how do you explain the other night?

GINA
I don't know what you're talking about.

FRANK
You just got up and left our bed! Our MARRIAGE bed, Gina!

GINA
(losing it) Are you serious?

FRANK
I'm very serious.

GINA
You didn't realize I was getting up to feed Emma?! Because she's a newborn! And they need constant nutrition during the first 3 months of their lives!!!?

FRANK IS QUIET.

GINA
Unbelievable.

FRANK
Your excuses are very convenient. But I still have a hunch.

GINA
Well it's the most insensitive, unaware, self-centered hunches I've ever heard of!

FRANK
Wow. You're really mad.

GINA
Of course I'm mad! I just squeezed a human out of my vagina. YOUR daughter, Frank. And you're such a god damned baby about it!

FRANK
Maybe I have been a little overreactive.

GINA
I'll say.

FRANK
I'm sorry, honey.

GINA
(sighs) Can you just leave? I need a moment.

FRANK
Sure, honey.

FRANK LEAVES. GINA GOES TO THE KITCHEN WINDOW AND OPENS IT. SHE YELLS DOWN TO EDUARDO, A HUNKY POOL BOY.

GINA
He's on to us, mi amor. It's over.

END

AWFUL

2009-09-17T17:47:00.000-07:00

OPEN ON A SOUP KITCHEN. MERIDETH AND MORGAN, TWO TEENAGE GIRLS, ARE WEARING APRONS AND STANDING BEHIND STEAM TABLES, DOLLING OUT MEATLOAF AND MASHED POTATOES TO A LONG LINE OF HOMELESS PEOPLE WHILE HAVING A CONVERSATION.

MERIDETH
… and then my dad said, “I don’t care what Lexie drives. You’re driving my old Beamer and that’s final.”

MORGAN
Your dad is like, so mean.

MERIDETH
He’s the worst! But I made him pay.

MORGAN
Did you max out his AMEX black?

MERIDETH
Better. I ordered all new bedroom furniture from Pottery Barn teen and made it COD!

MORGAN
What’s that?

MERIDETH
I don’t know but it sounds bad.

THEY HIGH FIVE EACH OTHER. AS THEY DO, A HOMELESS WOMAN GETS HOT MASHED POTATO IN HER EYE.

HOMELESS WOMAN
My good eye!

MORGAN
(checks her iPhone) Oooh! Look! Jackson texted me!

THEY BOTH STOP GIVING OUT FOOD AND LEAN IN TO READ THE IPHONE.

MORGAN(reading out loud)
“Hey babe…”

MORGAN AND MERIDETH TOGETHER
Babe!

THEY SQUEAL AND HIGH FIVE AGAIN.

HOMELESS WOMAN
Excuse me, may I please have some food. I’m so very hun-

MORGAN
(ignoring her) “U R THFW! What’s that mean?

MERIDETH
I think it’s good! I think he wants you!

THEY BOTH JUMP AND SQUEAL AGAIN, KNOCKING THE ENTIRE TRAY OF MEATLOAF ON TO THE HOMELESS WOMAN.

HOMELESS WOMAN
Oh my god! It burns! It burns!

THE HOMELESS WOMAN RUNS OUT. MORGAN AND MERIDETH CALM DOWN.

MORGAN
Hey-where’d the meatloaf go?

MERIDETH
I think they ate it all.

MORGAN
Gyaad. The homeless are such pigs.

MERIDETH
Yah. All they eat is carbs.

MORGAN
No wonder they’re all fat.

MERIDETH
Oooh. But I feel sorry for them. They’ve got like, nothing.

MORGAN
And I think most of them are like, crazy and stuff.

AN OLD HOMELESS MAN WALKS UP WITH A PLATE.

HOMELESS MAN
Well, lunch is going to be extra nice with two pretty servers like you!

MORGAN
Eeeeewww!

MERIDETH
Gross! You’re like, older than my DAD.

MORGAN
Perv!

HOMELESS MAN
I was just trying to be nice-

MERIDETH
(gags) I think I’m gonna…

MORGAN
See what you’ve done? Get out of here!

HOMELESS MAN SHUFFLES AWAY.

MORGAN
Are you ok?

MERIDETH
Yeah. Community Service is hard!

MORGAN
It makes you think too much.

MERIDETH
Yeah. Let’s get out of here.

MORGAN
What about the rest of lunch?

MERIDETH
We’re doing them a favor.

THEY LINK ARMS AND SKIP OFF TO LIVE SELFISH, SELFISH LIVES.

END

AWKward

2009-09-16T18:11:00.000-07:00

TRUDY AND JIMMY, A YOUNG COUPLE, ENTER A HOUSE. THEY’RE IN THE LIVING ROOM.

JIMMY
Mom! Dad! We’re here!

TRUDY
I hope they like me!

JIMMY
(rolling eyes) I hope you like them.

TRUDY
What do you mean?

JIMMY
You’ll see.

MAVIS AND BOB, A MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE, ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN. THEY GO UP AND HUG JIMMY.

MAVIS
Hello baby

BOB
Son!

THEY PULL APART.

JIMMY
Mom, Dad…this is Trudy

TRUDY
Hi!

TRUDY GOES TO HUG THEM, BUT BOTH OF THEM KIND OF STEP BACK.

THIS MAKES TRUDY FREEZE AND STEP BACK A BIT.

THEN BOB AND MAVIS TRY TO STEP FORWARD-

SO TRUDY STEPS FORWARD,

BUT THEN BOB AND MAVIS FREEZE.

IT’S VERY, VERY AWKWARD.

JIMMY
Tell ya what, why don’t we all just wave?

TRUDY
(giggle) Okay!

TRUDY STARTS TO WAVE AS BOB AND MAVIS START TO WAVE.

ALL 3 OF THEM STOP AWKWARDLY.

JIMMY
Well, if you’ll excuse me…I’ve got the craps. Why don’t you all sit down and get to know each other?

JIMMY EXITS. BOB, MAVIS AND TRUDY ALL GO TOWARDS THE COUCH. IT’S OBVIOUS ALL 3 OF THEM WON’T FIT.

BOB
Trudy, you-

TRUDY
(interrupts) No, you-

MAVIS
I’ll go-

TRUDY
Oh no-

BOB
I’ll uh-

THEY ALL GIVE UP AND JUST STAND.

THEY ALL START TO SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME

TRUDY MAVIS BOB
So Jimmy tells me- I saw this article… The Red Sox—

THEY ALL STOP. A BEEPER GOES OFF IN THE KITCHEN. THEY ALL START TO SPEAK SIMULTANEOUSLY AGAIN

TRUDY MAVIS BOB
Is that—? Dinner’s ready The Red Sox—

THEYALL MOVE TOWARDS THE KITCHEN.

THEN THEY ALL FREEEZE.

THEY MOVE.

THEY FREEZE.

THEY MOVE.

THEY FREEZE.

BLACK SMOKE STARTS TO COME FROM THE KITCHEN. AGAIN THEY ALL SPEAK AT ONCE.

TRUDY MAVIS BOB
It’s burning Dinner’s ruined Hot-

THEY ALL CONTINUE TO MOVE AND FREEZE, GETTING NOWHERE.

FIRE STARTS TO ENGULF THE ROOM. AGAIN THEY ALL…

TRUDY MAVIS BOB
We should- You go Hot-

THEY ALL CONTINUE TO MOVE AND FREEZE. JIMMY RUNS INTO THE ROOM WITH HIS PANTS AROUND HIS ANKLES

JIMMY
Oh My God! FIRE! Get out! Get out!

JIMMY RUNS TOWARDS THE DOOR.

TRUDY, MAVIS AND BOB JUST STAND THERE.

THEY MOVE.

THEY FREEZE.

THEY MOVE.

THEY FREEZE.

THEY PROBABLY DIE.

AND THAT, FOLKS, IS A DEAD END.

RIM SHOT!

Tossin' Salad

2009-09-15T18:26:00.000-07:00

BARRY IS WORKING BEHIND THE COUNTER AT A “PICK-YOUR-TOPPIN’S”, ONE OF THOSE MAKE YOUR OWN SALAD PLACES. SAL WALKS UP TO HIS STATION AND HANDS HIM HIS BOWL OF LETTUCE.

SAL
Nothing like a good, healthy salad for lunch, heh buddy?

BARRY
I guess.

SAL
(pats belly) I need to watch the ol’ waistline, y’know?

BARRY
What would you like in your salad?

SAL
Let’s see…some tomatoes, carrots, beets….some of that cheddar cheese…some bleu cheese…some jalapeno jack cheese….steak…some fried chicken….croutons, some more cheddar cheese…aaaannnnnd bleu cheese dressing.

BARRY MIXES IT UP AND HANDS IT TO SAL.

BARRY
Here you go.

SAL
Great! Nothing like eating healthy, huh!

SAL LEAVES AND KATE COMES UP WITH HER BOWL OF LETTUCE.

KATE
Let’s see…cucumbers, asparagus, cherry tomatoes and…is that chicken grilled in oil?

BARRY
No. It’s fat free.

KATE
Oh good. I’ll have some of that. Aaaaand, how about throwing one of those barbecue beef burritos on top.

BARRY THROWS THE BURRITO ON TOP AND MIXES THE SALAD, THEN HANDS IT TO KATE

BARRY
Enjoy
KATE
Thank-you.

JASON WALKS UP WITH HIS SALAD BOWL.

JASON
Hey! I’ll have celery, radishes, some olives and oh! Can you throw this in?

HE HANDS BARRY A FULL, LARGE ROASTED PIG.

BARRY MIXES THE SALAD WITH THE BEST HE CAN. HE HANDS IT BACK TO JASON.

BARRY
Here you go.

JASON
Perfect!

JASON LEAVES AND BARRY’S COWORKER DENNY WALKS UP.

DENNY
How’s your first day?

BARRY
Pretty good.

DENNY
A lot of heath nuts, huh?

BARRY
Eh. People ate healthier at my last job.

DENNY
Where was that?

BARRY
McDonalds.

WONKA-WONKA! END

If Women Made Super Heroes

2009-09-15T14:25:00.000-07:00

OPEN ON SUPER GUY, A SUPER HERO. HE DONS THE TYPICAL SUPER HERO OUTFIT-TIGHTS, CAPE, ETC…

HE’S STANDING ON THE WORLD LOOKING SERENELY INTO THE DISTANCE AS THE WIND GENTLY BLOWS HIS CAPE.

ANNCR:
Stronger than a hurt feeling
Able to life entire shoe racks with one hand
He’s amazing. He’s powerful. He’s willing to listen.

He’s SUPER GUY
(quickly, under breath) The first superhero created by a woman.

CUT TO AN ELDERLY WOMAN BEING MUGGED BY A GUY WEARING A SKI MASK.

MUGGER
Just gimme your money, lady!

ELDERLY WOMAN
Help!

SUPER GUY SWOOPS IN.

SUPER GUY
Stop being so aggressive!

MUGGER IGNORES HIM

SUPER GUY
You have rage issues!

MUGGER FINALLY GRABS PURSE AND RUNS AWAY.

SUPER GUY
That’s right! Run away! Run from your problems!

ELDERLY LADY
Pussy.

CUT TO A THIEF IN THE MIDDLE OF A JEWELRY STORE HEIST, THROWING JEWELRY INTO A SUITCASE. SUPER GUY BARGES IN.

SUPER GUY
Stop!

THE JEWEL THIEVES FREEZE

SUPER GUY
You’re packing them all wrong!

JEWEL THIEF
Whaddya mean? It’s fine!

SUPER GUY
Fine! HA! You’re just shoving them in like a slob. You’re going to get to where you’re going and regret it. Here. Let me help you pack.

SUPER GUY TAKES THE JEWELRY OUT AND STARTS REARRANGING. THE THIEF OPENS A BEER AND TURNS ON THE TV TO A BASEBALL GAME.

CUT TO SUPER GUY TALKING ON THE JAIL PHONE TO EVIL-TOR, A LEX LUTHER TYPE WEARING A JUMPSUIT.

SUPER GUY
I don’t get it. Why couldn’t you just call me when you said you would?

EVILTOR
Er…I got very busy. I have to plan a break-out, then I’ve got to start trying to take over the world again…

SUPER GUY
I think I know what this is about, Eviltor. You’re scared.

EVILTOR
Scared? HA!

SUPER GUY
When you had me drugged and hanging over that lion’s den, you gave a speech that really showed me a deeper side of you-

EVILTOR
I think you’re over analyzing this-

SUPER GUY
See, there you go. Shutting down again.

EVILTOR
I’m not shutting down! I'm just being Eviltor!

SUPER GUY
When are you going to realize, I’m here, Eviltor. I’m here.

CLOSE UP ON EVILTOR LOOKING DISGUSTED.

CUT TO SUPER GUY ON THE WORLD AGAIN, LOOKING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE AS THE WIND GENTLY BLOWS HIS CAPE.

ANNCR:
No criminal left unscolded.
No evil force that isn’t forced to talk about his feelings.
He’s SUPER GUY
(quickly, under breath) The first superhero created by a woman.

What Happens When Husbands Interview Wives

2009-09-14T18:41:00.000-07:00

JUNE AND MARV, A YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE, ARE UP READING IN BED. JUNE PUTS DOWN HER BOOK.

JUNE

Oh, what’s the use! I’m too nervous about my job interview tomorrow.

MARV

Hey, I know what’ll help. How about you practice with me?

JUNE
That’d be great, honey. But be tough! I mean it!

MARV

Tough. Got it. (puts down paper, clears throat) So, Mrs. Wheeler-

JUNE
Actually, Mr. Jacobs, it’s Ms. Bennett

MARV

Excuse me?

JUNE
Wheeler is my married name. I use my maiden name at work because that’s how I’m established in the business.

MARV

So your job is more important than your marriage. Got it.

JUNE
What?! (strokes his arm) Of course not!

MARV

MIZ Bennett, why are you stroking me suggestively? It’s inappropriate.

JUNE

Oh! Um… sorry.

MARV

Let’s move on, shall we? I see from your resume that you were a Technical Consultant at Habra Industries-

JUNE

Yes. I helped spearhead some incredible initiatives during my time there. Mostly recycling programs, a few environmental-

MARV

(interrupts) with Al Feinberg, I assume?

JUNE

Yes, Al was the Operations Supervisor. Great thinker. He-

MARV

What else was he great at?

JUNE

Excuse me?

MARV

Besides (air quotes) “thinking”. Was he great at anything else?

JUNE

(growing suspicious) He had a head for numbers…and..

MARV

Does he have a head for shamelessly flirting with married women in front of their husbands at company picnics? Something tells me he does.

JUNE

Marv! Come on!

MARV

Who’s Marv?

JUNE

(sighs) Ok, be like that. Marv is my husband, Mr. Jacobs. My wonderful, lovely, husband who I am lucky to have and love more than anyone.

MARV

I disagree. You must be dissatisfied with on some level if you are refusing to acknowledge you and your husband’s shared surname.

JUNE

I’m not dissatisfied!

MARV

MIZ Bennett, GomGlo Corp needs our employees to have happy home lives. Happy employees mean happy profits.

JUNE

I’m very happy!

MARV

You sound a little defensive. Like you’re hiding something.

JUNE

I’m not hiding anything!

MARV

I’m going to have to hook you up to a lie detector machine…

MARV WRAPS HIS NEWSPAPER AROUND JUNE’S ARM

JUNE

This is ridiculous…

MARV

Ok. MIZ Bennett…what was your relationship with Al Feinberg?

JUNE

He was my supervisor.

MARV

(Buzzer noise) EH! EH! Wrong!

JUNE

(sarcastically) Fine. He was my lover. My hot, hot lover. Because I love fat, sweaty men with comb overs and soup stains on their beer guts!

MARV

(beat) I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I’Il have building security escort you out.

MARV GETS OUT OF BED AND LEAVES THE FRAME

JUNE

Marv, come back. This is getting out of hand—

A SECURITY GUARD, NOT MARV, ENTERS THE FRAME

GUARD

Come with me, Miss.

JUNE

What the—

GUARD TAKES JUNE BY THE ARM, LEADS HER TO THE CLOSET, AND LOCKS HER IN IT.

GUARD

Good day, m’aam.

JUNE

(muffled) Marv, let me out of here! This has gone too far!

MARV CREEPS BACK INTO BED. HE GRABS HIS NEWSPAPER AND STARTS READING.

MARV(to himself)

Tough enough for you?

END

Internet Matchmaker: A Musical Number!

2009-09-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

TOVA, LIESEL AND HESEL, 3 WOMEN IN THEIR LATE THIRTIES ARE DRESSED LIKE THE DAUGHTERS FROM FIDDLER ON THE ROOF, DANCING AROUND A LAPTOP. THEY ARE SINGING A RENDITION OF “MATCHMAKER, MATCHMAKER” FROM FIDDLER ON THE ROOF.

ALL 3 WOMEN:

Internet matchmaker make me a match

Find me a guy

Who doesn’t have clap

Internet matchmaker do a quick search

And find me a not-perfect-but-he’ll do-it’s-not-like-I’m-20-anymore…match!

TOVA

For mama

Have him lie about his income

LIESEL

For papa

Have him lie about his age

HESEL
For me, oh, I’d still let him get some

If he could refrain from uncontrollable rage!

CUT TO MENKEL, SAMUEL AND WORTHINGTON, 3 MEN IN THEIR 40’S, DRESSED LIKE MALE CAST MEMBERS FROM FIDDLER ON THE ROOF DANCING AROUND ANOTHER LAPTOP.

ALL 3 MEN:

Internet matchmaker make me a match

Find me a girl

Who doesn’t come with a catch

Internet matchmaker do a quick search

And find me one-damn-woman-who-doesn’t-lie-about-her-weight…match!

MENKEL

For Papa

Give her big boobies

SAMUEL

For Mama

Make her just a little dumb

WORTHINGTON
For me, well, I’d really go loopy

If she would take it in the bum!

THE WOMEN JOIN THE MEN.

ALL 6:

Internet Matchmaker

You know we lie

About our stats

To get more replies

TOVA

But internet matchmaker

Hear my one beef

And find me a date with teeth.

SAMUEL

Please make sure she's not crazy

LIESEL

Please make sure he won’t dine and dash

MENKEL

Please make sure that she’s not still married

WORTHINGTON

And she’s willing to get it up the ass!

THE OTHERS JUST LOOK AT HIM FOR A BEAT

ALL

Internet Matchmaker, we know that we

Aren’t getting younger

So we say, desperately

Internet Matchmaker find us a date

SAMUEL

Who won’t cry after 2 drinks

TOVA

Who isn’t a white supremacist

LIESEL

Who knows who the President is

MENKEL

Who won’t stalk us after we don’t call

HESEL

Who won’t posts my vagina on the internet

WORTHINGTON

Who takes it in the—

MUSIC STOPS EVERYONE GIVES HIM A WITHERING LOOK. MUSIC STARTS

ALL

Please, won’t you please find a not perrrrrrrrr-feccct but not psycho match!

Don't Sign An Office B-Day Card While Drunk

2009-09-13T17:24:00.000-07:00

MINDY WALKS INTO STEVE’S OFFICE WITH AN OVER SIZED BIRTHDAY CARD. STEVE, A GUY IN THIS THIRTIES, IS SITTING THERE WITH BEN, A GUY IN HIS LATE FORTIES

MINDY
Hey Steve…wanna sign Trudy’s birthday card?

STEVE
The hot blond! I sure do! I wanna sign her card all night long!!

MINDY
(rolls her eyes) Just give it to Paul when you’re done.

STEVE GRABS A PEN AND STARTS TO SIGN THE CARD

BEN
I wouldn’t be so fast if I where you.

STEVE
What do you mean?

BEN
If you really want to nail this girl, you better nail the message on her card.

STEVE
What? No way. No one really reads these things.

BEN
That’s what I used to think. Until my clever little ditty on Mindy’s card netted me a hand job during the McIver conference call.

STEVE (impressed)
No way!

BEN
No lie.

STEVE
What should I write?

BEN
That, I can’t tell you. You have to figure it out.

STEVE
OK. I got it. “Happy Birthday, Trudy. Even if they fired me, I’d come to this office to see you every day.”

BEN
That’s terrifying. Seriously, I’m a little scared for her right now.

STEVE
Um, ok, ok….”Hey Trudy! We don’t need flowers around here as long as we have your face to make the office beautiful.”

BEN
God, Steve. You sound like her creepy uncle.

STEVE
How about…”Dear Trudy, how about a birthday drink”

BEN
“Dear Trudy…I am lonely and desperate.”

STEVE
God! You’re really stressing me out.

BEN
Relax. Just be yourself

STEVE
Fine.

BEN
But not too much yourself

STEVE (getting nervous)
Pull back a bit. Got it.

BEN
But don’t pull back too much, it’ll be phony

STEVE (getting more and more self conscious)
Sure

BEN
Remember, this is a big deal. It can make or break your chances with her.

STEVE
Woah.

BEN
Write the perfect message…and you could be writing the very first birthday wish to your future wife.

BEN LEAVES. STEVE IS LEFT SWEATING OVER THE BIRTHDAY CARD. HE REACHES INTO HIS BOTTOM DRAWER AND PULLS OUT A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH.

BEN
Just to take the edge off…

CUT TO THE COMPANY CONFERENCE ROOM. A GROUP OF PEOPLE ARE SITTING AROUND, CELEBRATING AWKWARDLY. TRUDY HAS THE LARGE CARD OPENED AND IS READING ALOUD FROM IT.

TRUDY
“Dear Trudy, How about a birthday drink?” Ha! You’re on, Kevin!

CAMERA CUTS TO NERDY GUY WITH GREASY HAIR. HE GIVES HER A THUMBS UP.

TRUDY
“Happy Birthday, Trudy. Even if they fired me, I’d come to this office to see you every day.” Aw, Paul! That’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever read!

CUT TO PAUL, A VERY OLD MAN. HE SHRUGS

TRUDY
“Hey Trudy! We don’t need flowers around here as long as we have your face to make the office beautiful.” (gets awkward.) Um, thanks Uncle Johnny.

CUT TO HER CREEPY UNCLE.

TRUDY
Wow. Here’s a long one. “Dear Trudy. You are so beautiful. Really. So effin’ pretty. I really really love you oh no. Did I say that? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please, don’t listen to me I’m so stinkin’ drunk. Oh wow! There are Doritos on my desk! I forgot about those! I fuckin’ love Nacho Cheese, man. Oh, so anyway. I don’t really love you but I do. You seem like a girl I could marry. NO! I’m not proposing! Unless you want me to, then yes. I am. Hey! Who took my drink? What the fuck, man. Jesus. Hey! Trudy! HEY! Trudy! TRUDY! TRRUUUUUUUUDY!

So, yeah. Happy Birthday Man. Love and I mean Love unless it freaks you out or something, Steve.

EVERYBODY LOOKS TO STEVE. HE’S SITTING AT THE CONFERENCE TABLE WEARING A BIRTHDAY HAT AND FACE DOWN IN HIS OWN VOMIT.

END

Free Food Herd

2009-09-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

OPEN ON AN OFFICE BREAK ROOM. MIKE IS GETTING COFFEE. MINDY WALKS IN WITH A TRAY OF FREE BAGELS AND SETS THEM ON THE TABLE.

MIKE

Great! Free bagels.

HE STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE TABLE

MINDY(Throwing her back against the wall.)

Wait!

MIKE IS ALREADY AT THE BAGELS. IT'S TOO LATE...

A HERD OF OFFICE WORKERS STORM INTO THE BREAK ROOM. MIKE IS LIKE A DEER IN HEADLIGHTS

HERD LEADER (sounding like a cave man…or Cookie Monster)
Free Bagel!!

THEY ATTACK THE TRAY. BAGELS FLY EVERYWHERE. MIKE IS CONSUMED BY THE CROWD.

JOANIE COMES IN CARRYING IN A LARGE CAKE WITH A GIANT PACIFIER ON IT.

JOANIE

Excuse me, I need to put Jenny’s shower cake in the-

MINDY

Joanie! Nooooooo!

THE HERD LEADER NOTICES JOANIE

HERD LEADER (sounding like a cave man…or Cookie Monster)

Free Cake!

THE HERD TURNS TO ATTACK JOANIE. CAKE FLIES EVERYWHERE, EVEN THE PACIFIER IS BEING CONSUMED. JOANIE CRAWLS OUT OF THE CROWD, DISHEVELED AND WORSE FOR WEAR.

STAN COMES IN TO THROW AWAY HIS SALAD BOWL. HE NOTICES THE HERD.

STAN

Oh crap.

HERD LEADER

Free leftover salad!

THE HERD ATTACKS STAN. REMNANTS OF HIS LEFTOVER SALAD FLY AROUND. THE HERD LEADER FINDS SOMETHING IN STAN’S POCKET

HERD LEADER(sounding like Cookie Monster)

Free breath mint!

BREATH MINTS FLY EVERYWHERE. ANDY, AN OLDER GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE THE BOSS, ENTERS. HE’S ENGROSSED IN A DOCUMENT.

ANDY

Hey Jim. Can you explain to me again why these dismal numbers on the McClaren account aren’t so bad?

THE HERD LEADER BREAKS FROM THE HERD ATTACKING STAN.

JIM/HERD LEADER (in normal voice)

Sure, Andy. See, they’re not factoring in our high sales in Oklahoma, only our short sales in Kansas and Missouri. If you factor in Oklahoma…(turns page in Andy’s file), we’re off the charts.

ANDY

Ah. I get it now. Thanks, Jim.

JIM/HERD LEADER (in normal voice)

No problem.

ANDY GRABS A NAPKIN FROM THE BREAK TABLE AND SPITS HIS GUM INTO IT.

ANDY(in Cookie Monster voice)

Free gum!

ATTACK! AND BLACKOUT.

Mother Trumper

2009-09-13T17:10:00.000-07:00

A GROUP OF YUPPIE MOTHERS ARE SITTING AROUND A SANDBOX AS THEIR TODDLERS PLAY.

SUSIE

Anniston can already say her ABC’s!

JENNY

Nice! Atticus is y reading.

MARIE

How sweet! Juniper Prairie can diagram sentences.

SUSIE
Do people still do that?

MARIE

No. But Juniper Prairie loves retro-chic.

SUSIE

Anniston hates trends! She’s always saying, “Cwassic Dwess, Mommy! Cwassic Dwess!”

JENNY AND MARIE LOOK AT HER STRANGELY.

SUSIE

Er, it’s this cute little jumper from Talbot kids. She-

JENNY

(interrupts) Atticus has an internship with Anna Wintour next month.

MARIE

Juniper Prairie was going to apply for that, but she was so busy with her radon experiments.

SUSIE

Anniston loves to color!

JENNY AND MARIE SMILE POLITELY AT SUSIE

JENNY

How…

MARIE

…sweet.

THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE

JENNY

So. Atticus is absolutely addicted to the New York Times Sunday Magazine.

MARIE

Juniper Marie can’t get enough of “Frontline.” She insists-

SUSIE

(interrupting) Anniston just got out of rehab!

JENNY

Are you serious?

MARIE

How?

SUSIE

She did a 28-day outpatient program upstate.

JENNY AND MARIE ARE STUMPED.

JENNY

Well, er, ah….Atticus is simply addicted to espresso!

MARIE
Yes, a-a-and my Juniper Prairie can’t get enough chocolate!

SUSIE

Anniston had Children’s Tylenol problem.

JENNY AND MARIE ARE AGAIN STUMPED

SUSIE

She’s been clean for almost 6 months!

SUSIE LEANS OVER AND PICKS UP A 2-YEAR-OLD GIRL

SUSIE

We just finished her preschool application essay. (points to her eyes and whispers) Tears.

JENNY AND MARIE ARE OBVIOUSLY JEALOUS

SUSIE

(to daugher) C'mon honey. Time for your AA meeting. (to moms) So long, bitches.

AAAAAAAND POORLY ENDED SCENE!

Netflix Gaslight

2009-09-09T13:13:00.000-07:00

I think this idea can be polished more, so that the husband is constantly trying to "Gaslight" his wife and it never works. But I'm falling behind in my sketches and just want to get this one up and out so I can catch up. There's no time for polish!!

CAROL IS SITTING IN HER LIVING ROOM, OPENING A NETFLIX. HER HUSBAND GEORGE ENTERS. HE’S WEARING A SMOKING JACKET, AN ASCOT AND SMOKING A PIPE.

CAROL
Honey, “Warlord Explosion” came from Netflix.

GEORGE (in bad English accent)
“Warlord Explosion”, darling? Honestly, why would you ever put that on our queue?

CAROL
I didn’t. You did.

GEORGE
No. I absolutely did not.

CAROL
But…I can’t believe I put “Warload Explosion” on our list.

GEORGE
My dear, dear, darling. You must have forgotten.

CAROL
But, but, I don’t like this kind of movie.

GEORGE
You’ve been working so hard. It’s perplexing on the psyche. Here, have a sherry.

CAROL
Thanks. (beat) Are you sure you didn’t order this?

GEORGE
I’m positive

CAROL
(sighs) I guess I did, then. Maybe I thought the poster looked good. Ah well.

GEORGE
Wait-doesn’t it bother you?

CAROL
Nah. I forget things sometimes.

GEORGE
But it must be perplexing, not remembering a movie you added to your Netflix queue!

CAROL
No, not really.

GEORGE
It doesn’t drive you mad, knowing that somehow a piece of , of rubbish ended up in your mailbox.

CAROL
It’s no big deal.

GEORGE
You’re putting on a brave front, darling. It must push you to the brink of insanity!

CAROL
Nah.

GEORGE
Darling, darling, please calm down. I can get you help!

CAROL
I’m fine

GEORGE
You’re going mad, mad MAD!!!

CAROL
(ignoring him) Do you want to order pizza?

GEORGE
We must take you to the asylum at once!

CAROL
I know what this is about.

GEORGE
It’s about your insanity!

CAROL
It’s about you wanting to commit me so you can go on that dumbass Vegas trip this weekend.

GEORGE
Accusations!

CAROL
I saw “Gaslight”, you idiot.

GEORGE
Lies!

CAROL
You can’t go away. Forget it. We’re going the barbeque at the Evan’s house.

GEORGE
Harlot!

CAROL
Yeah, yeah.

GEORGE
I’m retreating to my chambers.

CAROL
Fine.

GEORGE GRABS THE MOVIES AND LEAVES

Rock It So No One Can Hear You

2009-09-09T12:42:00.001-07:00

JACK, THE MANAGER OF SMOKIN’ PETES, IS BACKSTAGE TALKING TO PHAZER, RAD AND BULLZ, MEMBERS OF “HELL YEAH!”, A GRUNGE-TYPE BAND.

JACK
So you guys are on next. How long do you need to set up?

PHAZER
Oh, no time at all

JACK
What do you mean?

PHAZER
THESE are our instruments

THE ENTIRE BAND STRIKES AIR GUITAR/AIR BASS/AIR DRUM POSES

JACK
Oh shit. I don’t believe it.

RAD
Believe in the dream, man. An all-air band!

JACK
Dammit! This is what happens when I book without a demo CD!

PHAZER
Dude, we sent you a demo!

JACK
You sent me Van Halen’s 1984. I thought it was a gift.

PHAZER(to band mates)
“Panama” Let’s hit it!

THE BAND STARTS AIR-PLAYING “PANAMA”, WITH PHAZER MOUTHING THE WORDS.

JACK
Look, I can’t let you guys go out there.

RAD
That’s so lame!

JACK
No, you’re lame. You can’t even play real instruments

BULLZ
It’s imagination discrimination!

PHAZER
Calm down, guys. You know what we need to do.

RAD
A heartfelt speech

PHAZER
Right on. Put in the Lucas DVD

JACK
No, don’t. Look guys, you can’t go on. Your gig is cancelled.

JACK WALKS OFF.

PHAZER
Bummer.

RAD
It sucks.

BULLZ
Hey guys, I know what’ll cheer you up.

BULLZ TURNS HE BACK TO THE GUYS. HE TURNS BACK AROUND AND HAS HIS ARMS SPREAD.

BULLZ
Groupies!

PHAZER AND BULLZ
All right! Hello ladies….

END

Chick Lit Book Club

2009-09-08T14:14:00.000-07:00

A GROUP OF 30-SOMETHING WOMEN ARE HAVING A BOOK CLUB DISCUSSION IN DAISY’S LIVING ROOM. THEY ARE ALL STYLISH AND PRETTY. THERE ARE BOTTLES OF WINE, A CHEESE TRAY AND SEVERAL PAIRS OF MANOLOS KICKED OFF AROUND THE ROOM.

DAISY
Ok, I’ll start. I loved it!

MEGAN
Me too!

JANICE
It’s so inspiring! She’s a bridesmaid in a wedding

ALLY
-one she doesn’t even want to be in!

JANICE
YES! And she meets this guy

DAISY
And what a guy, right ladies? My favorite kind of man. Dark haired, witty, and a little bad

THEY ALL OOH AND NUDGE EACH OTHER

MEGAN
SUCH a bad boy!

ALLY
A real rogue!

JANICE
-and they have this night of passion!

DAISY
The “best sex I ever had” is how she describes it!

JANICE
I love how she matches his wit and it puts him off? Put you know he really likes it?

DAISY
I love how he normally dates airhead models and she challenges him!

ALLY
Yeah, she even eats a whole pint of Ben & Jerrys while he watches!

JANICE
-and he loves her curves!

DAISY
He loves everything about her! He loves her shoe obsession…

MEGAN
Ooh! And that she reads Jane Austen!

ALLY
And that she just says what she thinks!

DAISY
But how about that bitch?

MEGAN
I tell you, every one has worked with a girl like that.

ALLY
Still, I can’t believe she told him that our main girl was back with her boyfriend when she wasn’t!

MEGAN
Yeah, and that she stole the idea for the client and took the promotion!

JANICE
But he figured it out.

DAISY
I loved the way he tracked her down at her parent’s house

ALLY
Her mom was so funny!

JANICE
SUCH a meddler!

DAISY
And when he gave her that ring…

MEGAN
-that she noticed in the antique store window…

JANICE
-and he told her he loved her, despite the fact that he thought she was crazy…

ALL THE WOMEN SWOON AND SIGH

DAISY
I think it’s safe to say that this Book Club is giving “Bridesmaid Brouhaha” a thumbs up!

EVERYONE LOOKS CONFUSED.

ALLY
I thought we were talking about “Oh My God, Shoes!”

JANICE
Really? Because I was talking about “Oh Girl, No You Don’t!”

MEGAN
Not me. I was reading, “Single and Not Lovin’ It.”

EVERYONE JUST SITS AWKWARDLY FOR A FEW SECONDS.

DAISY (to Megan)
I’ll trade ya.

MEGAN
Great!

THE WOMEN ALL START EXCITEDLY TRADING BOOKS.

This Intervention Is So Gay

2009-09-06T19:28:00.001-07:00

OPEN ON AN INTERVENTION ON JEFF, A 24 YR OLD GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE A POTHEAD. HE’S SURROUNDED BY HIS PARENTS, MIKE AND ELLEN, HIS SISTER LILA AND HIS GAY FRIEND STEPHEN. DR. GREEN, A DR. DREW TYPE, MODERATES.

JEFF
I can’t believe this.

MIKE
(losing control) DAMMIT! Jeff you are NOT GAY! ADMIT IT! CHRIST!

JEFF
Yes I am! Accept it, dad!

LILA
Well then you suck at it, Jeff! Your clothes are Old Navy shit.

STEPHEN
You don’t even own a Rabbit!

JEFF
Gay men have pet bunnies?

STEPHEN
It’s a wine opener! You’d know that if you loved cock!

DR. GREEN
Ok, everyone calm down. Jeff, your mother Ellen would like to read you a letter.

ELLEN
Dear Jeff,
When you told me you were gay, I got excited.
I thought we’d spend hours shopping and that maybe you’d start making rosettes out of radishes. But then I found….Hustlers! In your bathroom! Please admit you’re straight. I will still love you, though not as dearly.
Love, Mom.

DR. GREEN
(calmly) Hustlers, Jeff. That’s some pretty hetero skank.

JEFF
They weren’t mine! They were…someone elses! A-a-a-lesbians! Yeah!

STEPHEN
Really?Because gay men and lesbians generally HATE one another. HOMO 101.

JEFF
But, I, uh, I’m not like most gays!

MIKE
(losing control) DAMMIT! Jeff you are NOT GAY! ADMIT IT! CHRIST!

LILA
Look, I know I’m your big sister and you look up to me. And yes, I fooled around with women when I was in college. But it was Vasser! I got class credits for it! It wasn’t a lifestyle!

JEFF
Why can’t you accept that it is for me? I’m gay guy Jeff!

STEPHEN
You don’t even go by Jeffery! No truly gay man would go around with a shortened version of his name!

MIKE
(losing control) DAMMIT! Jeff you are NOT GAY! ADMIT IT! CHRIST!

JEFF
I am! All of you can fuck off! So what if I don’t Tivo Project Runway! Who cares if I love sports and collect Mets memorabilia. And I don’t care about how I look most of the time. And yes, I like RUSH!

STEPHEN GASPS AND FAINTS.

JEFF
And I jerk off to pictures of naked women. And girl-on-girl internet porn. And images of Megan Fox. And thoughts about the checkout girl at the A & P. And this girl I’m fucking right now….

JEFF SUDDENLY REALIZES WHAT HE’S SAYING.

JEFF
Oh my god! I’m straight! (breaks down and starts to cry) I’m straight!

STEPHEN GOES TO HUG HIM

JEFF
(crying) Don’t touch me, man!

ELLEN
Dr. Green, will he be okay?

DR. GREEN
Well, he may have a bumpy adjustment period, having to go to subpar restaurants and such, but he’ll be fine.

D-List Fragrance

2009-09-05T11:11:00.001-07:00

Black and white film, with lots of jump cuts. Think a typical Calvin Klein perfume commercial.

Open on an empty beach. We see a middle-aged blonde woman rolling around on the sand in a bikini.

FELICE:
Eighties big

SUPER: Felice Schachter, Nancy Olson from The Facts of Life

AVO: (whispers)
Worse than D…

Cut to a petitie brunette woman crawling out of the ocean with seaweed all over her.

KIT:
On MTV

SUPER: Kit Hoover, host of Six Flags TV

AVO: (whispers)
Worse than D…

Pan down the beach to a young Korean woman in a flowing dress.

KARI:
My 15 minutes on Gawker

SUPER: Kari Farrel The Hipster Grifter

AVO: (whispers)
Worse than D…

Pan out to another woman in a flowing dress.

BEINAZIR:
Kicked out

SUPER: Beinazir Lasharie, 1st to be kicked off Big Brother, England

AVO: (whispers)
Worse than D…

Pan over to what their watching. It’s a guy making out with a corpe. He’s on top and the super appears

SUPER: Hamilton Nolan, a Gawker reporter

AVO: (whispers)
Worse than D…

He rolls over to the bottom and we see the corpse.

SUPER: Corpse of LaToya Jackson

We fade cut to all of these barely celebrities standing on the beach.

AVO(whispers)
Loser. Has Been. Longing.

AVO:
D-List Fragrance. By Calvin Klein’s little brother.

Boy, Men Sure Do Hate Doctors!

2009-09-03T13:22:00.000-07:00

MORNING. OPEN ON A KITCHEN. A WIFE IS MAKING COFFEE. HER HUSBAND ENTERS, OBVIOUSLY SICK. HE’S SNEEZING, COUGHING AND BLOWING HIS NOSE.

WIFE
Oh honey…you’re sick. Should I call the doctor?

HUSBAND
No! No! I’m not sick! I just woke up funny. I just need to eat..

HE GOES TO CUT A GRAPEFRUIT AND BADLY CUTS HIMSELF. BLOOD IS SQUIRTING FROM HIS FINGERS.

WIFE
Oh my god! That’s bad! You may need stitches.

GERRY
No! I’m fine! It’s just a little nip. I just need some paper towels.

THE BACK DOOR TO THE KITCHEN BURSTS OPEN AND HAL, THEIR NEIGHBOR, BARRELS IN WITH A HANDGUN

HAL
Give me my lawn mower back, asshole!

HUSBAND
Hal, I never borrowed it!

HAL
I’m sick of your excuses!

HE SHOOTS HUSBAND. WIFE SCREAMS

HAL
Oh my god! I’m so sorry!

WIFE
Call an ambulance!

HUSBAND (gets up, holding his blood-drenched gut)
NO! I’m fine!

WIFE
This is ridiculous! You need a doctor!

HAL
Actually, I think he’s okay.
WIFE
You can’t be serious!

HAL’S WIFE CINDY BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR.

CINDY
Oh my god, Hal! You didn’t!

WIFE
He did!

CINDY
It’s his insomnia. He hasn’t slept for months and it’s driving him crazy! I told him to go to the doctor-

HAL
I’m fine!

HUSBAND(straining)
You seem okay to me…

JERRY, ANOTHER NEIGHBOR, BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR. HE HAS A HUGE GOITER ON HIS NECK.

JERRY
I thought I heard gunshots-is everyone okay?

TWO COPS BURST THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR HOLDING THEIR GUNS. COP 1 HAS A RASH ALL OVER HIS FACE AND HANDS AND IS COMPULSIVELY SCRATCHING HIMSELF. COP 2 HAS AN ARM THAT’S BARELY ATTACHED TO HIS BODY.

COP 1
Freeze! Drop your weapon

COP 2
You’re under arrest!

DR. BENSEN, DRESSED IN A DOCTOR’S LAB COAT ND WEARING A STETHOSCOPE, BURSTS IN.

DR. BENSEN
I heard shots! I’m a doctor! Can I help anyone?

THE COPS TURN THEIR GUNS ON THE DOCTOR AND SHOOT HIM TO DEATH. CINDY AND WIFE ARE ASTONISHED.

HAL
Good work, officers.

JERRY
Excellent.

HUSBAND
I can’t see….

CINDY (to WIFE)
Want to go shopping.

WIFE
Now that? I get.

END

For He's A Jolly Bad Fellow

2009-09-02T11:57:00.001-07:00

OPEN ON A STARBUCKS. HARRY, A JOLLY BUSINESS MAN IS WAITING TO PICK UP HIS LATTE.

STARBUCKS EMPLOYEE
(monotone) Triple Grande latte

HARRY (taking his drink)
Hey! Cheer up! Life is beautiful, man! (turns around to leave, chuckling to himself) Smile!

HARRY SKIPS OUT.

STARBUCKS WORKER
Mother fuckers like that make me so…so…

THE STARBUCKS WORKER TAKES A POT OF HOT COFFEE AND THROWS IT IN A CUSTOMER’S FACE.

CUT TO A BUSINESS MAN AND WOMAN WAITING IN AN ELEVATOR AS THE DOORS ARE CLOSING. HARRY STICKS IN HIS BRIEFCASE TO STOP THEM AND GETS ON.

HARRY
I made it! Ha-ha-ha!

THE BUSINESS MAN AND WOMAN LOOK AT HIM NONCOMMITEDLY.

HARRY
Woah! It’s gloomy in here! C’mon everyone! Smile!

THE DOORS OPEN AND HARRY GETS OUT.

HARRY
Guess it’s up to me to spread a little cheer!

THE DOORS CLOSE. THE B. WOMAN LOOKS AT THE BUSINESS MAN.
FUMING, SHE TAKES HER BREIFCASE AND CLOCKS THE BUSINESS MAN IN THE BALLS.

CUT TO HARRY AT A RECEPTIONIST’S DESK.

RECEPTIONIST
Can I help you?

HARRY
You could smile, pretty lady. C’mon now! Heh-heh-heh. (walks past her) John told me to go right in…now cheer up!

RECEPTIONIST SIGHS, TAKE A GUN OUT HER PURSE, AND PUTS IT IN HER MOUTH.

CUT TO HARRY IN HIS CAR AT A BOOTH IN A PARKING GARAGE, ABOUT TO PAY THE PARKING ATTENDENT.

PARKING ATTENDENT
That’ll be 12 dollars

HARRY
(handing him the money) Hoo! Donny Downer here! How’s about giving me 12 smiles? Heh-heh-heh!

HARRY BUSIES HIMSELF PUTTING THE CHANGE BACK IN HIS WALLET.

THE PARKING ATTENDENT REACHES DOWN AND PULLS OUT A CROWBAR.

HE MOVES OUT OF THE BOOTH AND IS ABOUT TO SMASH DOWN ON HARRY’S CAR WHEN HARRY DRIVES OFF.

PARKING ATTENDENT:
Motherfuckerassholebullshit!!!

CUT TO HARRY IN BED WITH HIS WIFE. SHE’S SLEEPING.

HARRY(leaning over her)
Woah! What’s with the puss? How about a smile! C’mon now!

HE LEANS BACK ON HIS SIDE OF THE BED, CHUCKLING TO HIMSELF.

THE WIFE SUDDENLY SITS UP AND STARTS TO STRANGLE HIM WITH HER BARE HANDS.

END.

Mom Fashion Show

2009-09-01T13:02:00.000-07:00

OPEN ON A FASHION SHOW THAT'S ABOUT TO BEGIN. THE MC, A TIM GUNN TYPE, GOES TO A PODIUM ON THE SIDE OF THE STAGE.

MC:

Welcome to Fashion Week. Before we begin, please turn off any noise making devices and spit out any chewed food you don’t want to digest.

And now, let’s take a peek Mom! The hottest new designer to enter the market!

LIGHTS DIM. ELECTRONICA MUSIC PLAYS. A MODEL WALKS OUT WEARING A OLD T-SHIRT WITH WET STAINS WHERE THE BOOBS ARE, FRAYED PAJAMA BOTTOMS AND A LONG PIECE OF TOILET PAPER COMING OUT FROM HER BOTTOM.

MC:

This first look is called “I’m So Fucking Tired And The Baby Won’t Sleep”. Notice the grittiness of the fabrics…like they’ve been worn for weeks, months even. The blouse has a retro wet look.

THE NEXT MODEL COMES OUT …SHE’S SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT AND WEARING A RUFFLED BLUE ONE PIECE SWIMSUIT WITH SAGGING BREASTS. SHE HAS SPIDER VEINS AND VERY PALE SKIN.

MC:

Sagging is in this season, and this suit called, “I Give Up” does a terrific job on showing off the dimensions of a fallen breast.

An added feature of wearing a swimsuit by Mom is that even when you swim, your hair will never get wet!

THE FINAL MODEL IS WEARING A SILLY WOOL CAP WITH EAR FLAPS, A MAN’S COAT THAT IS TOO BIG, LONG JOHNS WITH WOOL PANTS PULLED OVER THEM.

MC:

Our final piece is called, “I Don’t Care How Dumb I Look, It’s Freezing Out There!” A mismatch of fabrics, textures and sizes combine to a stunning lump of human being!

ALL OF THE MODELS PARADE OUT.

MC:

And that’s the end of our show. Ladies and gentleman, the genius behinds these gorgeous frocks….Mom!

THE AUDIENCE GIVES A STANDING OVATION AS THE DESIGNER COMES OUT. SHE IS WEARING JEANS PULLED UP PAST HER WAIST, A TUCKED-IN SHIRT FROM DISNEYWORLD AND WHITE NATURLALIZER SNEAKERS.

MOM:

Thanks everyone! And remember, these all can be custom designed to have any number of stains all over them! Now everyone is welcome to join us backstage for Munchkins and cider!

CUT TO THE AUDIENCE. THERE ARE 3 ANNA WINTOUR TYPES

FASHIONISTA 1:

Brilliant

FASHIONISTA 2

Stunning.

FASHIONISTA 3(Has big wet spots on her shirt where her breasts are)

I feel funny.

Focus Group

2008-09-30T17:33:00.000-07:00

A group of businessmen are sitting in a conference room. Stan leads the meeting with a power point presentation.

STAN
We spent 2.3 million on this research, and I'm very excited about the results.

JERRY
Stan, can we start on the demographic findings of our primary customers?

STAN
Sure. Our target consumer is a gay male in his mid-40's.

BILL
Really? I'd never of guessed.

STAN
That's why we pay Quantum Target the big bucks, Bill. So...gay male...mid 40's...very likely to own a small dog.

MIKE
Really? A gay man with a small dog? Who'd of thought?

STAN
I was surprised too. I thought they liked more exotic animals, like Tigers.

BILL
Where do they live?

STAN
Urban areas, mostly. There's a big concentration of them in New York City, Atlanta and San Francisco.

JERRY
San Francisco! Becky and I vacation there and never noticed. What are their interests?

STAN
They're very social. They like giving dinner parties, decorating, shopping...

BILL
Sounds like they'd make great wives!

ALL THE MEN LAUGH.

BILL
Seriously though. These interests can help us market to them in out-of home venues, like malls and 1-800-Mattress stores.

JERRY
Great thinking, Bill. I'm gonna build on that and say we should also think about getting involved with this Pampered Chef thing.

MIKE
Oh, they probably love that. I know my wife does.

THEY ALL LAUGH AGAIN. A BUSINESS WOMAN ENTERS.

MILLIE
Sorry to interrupt guys. Stan, I just got the invoice from Quantum Research and there's been a mistake.

STAN
We're going over it now. I'm not surprised. They're always overcharging.

MILLIE
That's what I thought. There's no way you'd spend 2.3 million researching the target market for The New York City Musical Festival. What a joke!

THE BUSINESS MEN ALL SIT UNCOMFORTABLY. A CLOCK TICKS SLOWLY. CUT TO BILL'S ADAM'S APPLE GULPING. THEN TO A BEAD OF SWEAT SLOWLY TRICKLING DOWN MIKE'S FOREHEAD. THEN TO JERRY'S NERVOUS LEG. THEN TO STAN'S EYES. HE LOOKS LIKE A DEER IN HEADLIGHTS, BLINKING UNCONTROLLABLY. HE REVIVES HIMSELF.

STAN
Yeah, uh, why don't you let me handle it? I know those guys.

MIKE
Yeah, Stan should handle it.

JERRY
It's his thing.

BILL
Definitely.

MILLIE
Great. Do you want to handle this other invoice for the research on the American Women's Softball Team target markets? It's also pretty expensive.

THE BUSINESS MEN ALL SIT UNCOMFORTABLY. A CLOCK TICKS SLOWLY. CUT TO BILL'S ADAM'S APPLE GULPING. THEN TO A BEAD OF SWEAT SLOWLY TRICKLING DOWN MIKE'S FOREHEAD. THEN TO JERRY'S NERVOUS LEG. THEN TO STAN'S EYES. HE LOOKS LIKE A DEER IN HEADLIGHTS, BLINKING UNCONTROLLABLY. HE REVIVES HIMSELF.

STAN
No, you can handle it. THAT is something I know we need!

MIKE, JERRY, BILL
Oh definitely...Yeah....Good stuff.

MILLIE
No problem. Good luck, gentlemen.

Me, In the Future

2008-09-29T12:11:00.000-07:00

NINETY-YEAR-OLD ANNE IS SITTING WITH HER 20-YEAR-OLD GRANDSON, WALT JR., IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER THE SIZE OF A POSTAGE STAMP. ANNE IS TYPING ON IT.

WALT JR.
Grandma, I can't believe you still use hotmail. It barely works!

ANNE
Works good enough for me!

WALT JR.
But with 24thCenturyMail, you can talk face-to-face with people you don't even know!

ANNE
Why would I want anyone to see my face? I like the old days.

WALT JR.
But it was awful! People only read messages! There was no tone, no innuendo!

ANNE
It was wonderful! You could float a passive-agressive note to your sister and act like she was over-sensitive when she called you on it.

WALT JR.
But it's so much better with GigabotMail! You have to be honest!

ANNE
Honest? Why would I want to do that?

WALT JR.
Because it makes the world better.

ANNE
No-it makes everything more complicated. Back in my day, you could spend a good chunk of a lifetime communicating with people and have absolutely no intimacy at all!

WALT JR.
Sounds terrible.

ANNE
It was wonderful! No messy "working it out" with friends after a misunderstanding. No having to feel uncomfortable about turning down a party invitation. No faking a scratchy fake sick voice when calling in hungover to work.

WALT JR.
Sounds dishonest.

ANNE
Oh, we all knew what was going on. It just wasn't out in the open, all messy and huggy. Blech.

WALT JR.
Well, I'll take today's technology any day. Hotmail? That's lame.

A BEEP GOES OFF IN WALT JR.'S PANTS. IT'S HIS HANDHELD COMPUTER. HE GETS IT OUT AND READS IT. HE LOOKS UP AT ANNE.

WALT JR.
Did you just call me a pussy?

ANNE
I love hotmail.

World Music One Upmanship

2008-09-29T08:15:00.000-07:00

A COFFEE HOUSE. MID AFTERNOON. JONAH IS SITTING AT A TABLE WITH HIS LAPTOP, WITH EARPHONES PLUGGED IN. HE'S A WHITE GUY WITH DREDS. DANIEL ENTERS. HE'S A WHITE GUY WEARING "POWER TO THE PEOPLE" SHIRT WITH A FIST.

DANIEL
Hey, Jonah, man.

JONAH
Daniel! Hey. Just listening to the latest from Zula Moreshi.

DANIEL
Who's that?

JONAH
Only the hottest Sephardi Israeli songstress to hit the scene. Can't believe you've never heard of her, man.

DANIEL
Guess it's because I'm too busy diggin' Yomayo Omigato.

JONAH
Oh, uh, yeah. Isn't he a Japanese Koh actor who plays electronic shamisen?

DANIEL
Wrong! SHE'S plays synthesized shakuhachi to reggae beats.

JONAH
Yeah, well, I'm more into the African scene now. A little old-school New World music.

DANIEL
That's cool. A little Toumani Diabate on the kora?

JONAH
A little Nuora doin' up some batuku

DANIEL
I prefer mazurka

JONAH
Then you'll love coladeira

DANIEL
You should give funukokomana a listen.

JONAH
And you should gooozumookubishu

DANIEL STARTS SPITTING

DANIEL
Psshtblahfahtnoogen

JONAH TAKES HIS INDEX FINGER AND STARTS DIBBLING HIS LOWER LIP

JONAH
Doi-did-doi-di-doi

DANIEL STARTS FLAPPING HIS ARMS LIKE A CHICKEN

DANIEL
Arrrruuuuuba! Aruuuuuba!

PAN BACK TO THE COFFEE COUNTER, WHERE JENNA AND JENNY, A COUPLE OF EARTHY GIRLS ARE WORKING

JENNY
Look at that. You can take the testoterone out of music...

JENNA
And even out of the guys

JENNY
And they STILL act like idiots.

Typical Teenage Girls

2008-09-27T17:42:00.001-07:00

A GROUP OF 13-YEAR-OLD GIRLS ARE IN MIMI'S ROOM FOR A SLUMBER PARTY, DRESSED ALL IN PINK, GIRLY FLANNEL PJS. THEY'RE LOUNGING ON MIMI'S CANOPY BED OR LYING ON THEIR STOMACHS ON THEIR SLEEPING BAGS WITH THEIR FEET KICKING UP BEHIND THEM.

THEY'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION.

Mimi
No doubt, Meghan. Schadenfreude has touched minds of central bankers and policymakers in emerging markets.

Jocelyn
Yeah! Those guys bore the brunt of U.S. hectoring about free-market principles for ages.

Hillary
They're also probably soooo thankful for having resisted financial innovations to some degree or another.

Meghan
Exactly! Since their economies have not yet been pummeled by the unfolding crisis like the US has!

MRS. JARLSON, MIMI'S MOM KNOCKS AND ENTERS

Mrs. Jarlson
Knock-knock, girls! Everything ok in here?

Mimi
Mooooom. Like, can we be left alone for like, FIVE minutes? Gyaaaaaaaaad!

Mrs. Jarlson
Sorry Mimi. Just checking in. (pulls out plate from behind her back) With some brownies!

THE GIRLS SQUEAL AND ATTACK THE PLATE MRS. JARLSON IS HOLDING OUT.

Mimi
I'm, like, gonna be such a fat cow and I don't care!

Meghan
Me too! And like, I'm like gonna have a ton of zits!

Hillary
Maybe Stoney Roberts can kiss them all away!

THE GIRLS ALL SQUEAL AGAIN AND START HITTING ONE ANOTHER WITH STUFFED ANIMALS AND PILLOWS.

Mrs. Jarlson
Looks like you girls don't need me! Have fun!

THE GIRLS CALM DOWN.

Mimi
Seriously, guys. I'm worried. I think some of the lessons learned may be the wrong ones for emerging market economies.

Meghan
Agreed. The real lesson to be taken from this crisis is that the abnegation of some free-market principles led to this mess.

Jocelyn
AND because financial development is ultimately going to be important for them to get high growth rates.

Hillary
What do you guys think went wrong in the US?

Mimi
Massive, undetected accounting fraud at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac-

Jocelyn
Implicit guarantee of government backing...

Meghan
And very light regulation, especially during the Greenspan years

Hillary
Ewwww....Alan Greenspan! He's, like, so gross!

Mimi
Jocelyn thinks he's cute!

Jocelyn
LIAR! I only said I'd make out with him over Putin in "Death Is Not An Option"!

JOCELYN HITS MIMI WITH PILLOW. ANOTHER SQUEALFEST ENSUES. MIMI'S CUTE 16-YEAR-OLD BROTHER ERIC ENTERS.

Eric
Hey! Brat! Keep it down in here! I'm writing lyrics!

Mimi
LOSER! You're so gayballs! Get OUT!

Jocelyn
Uh-buh-gluh

Meghan
H-h-h-h-h-i! (giggles uncontrollably)

Hillary
Lyricswhatlyricsreallythat'ssocoolsoyouknowwhat'sgood?Soup!

ERIC ROLLS HIS EYES AND LEAVES. THEY GIRLS ALL LAUGH AND SQUEAL.

Mimi
I'm tired.

Jocelyn
Me too.

Hillary
Wanna go to sleep talking about the emerging presence of Russia as a world power!

Meghan
Yeah! I'll get my New Republic and a flashlight!

MIMI DIMS THE LIGHTS AND SCENE.

Scrabble Challange

2008-09-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

STEVE IS SITTING ON HIS COUCH, WATCHING TV. THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. HE GETS UP TO ANSWER IT, IT'S HARRY.

Steve
Hey! Harry Shea! What're you doing here?

Harry
I've come to challenge you, man to man.

HARRY WHIPS OUT A SCRABBLE BOARD

Steve
You came all the way to LA from New Jersey to play Scrabble with me? But we play all the time online.

Harry
Exactly! Where I highly, HIGHLY suspect you've been cheating.

Steve
That's ridiculous. You're allowed to look up words and the program tells you if a word doesn't exist.

Harry
So you ADMIT to using the dictionary before putting down tiles?

Steve
It's part of the online game! It's not real Scrabble!

Harry
AND you've put down words you didn't think existed.

Steve
Everyone does it!

Harry
Not everyone, Steve. Not people who want to play with a pure heart.

Steve
Well, I guess I don't. So I'm not gonna play you here. Real World Tijuana is coming on.

Harry
Then I guess I win!

Steve
What?

Harry
I win! I win! I beat you!

Steve
Harry, I think I know what this is about.

Harry
It's about Scrabble. Pure, true in your heart Scrabble.

Steve
I think this is about me winning the election Senior Year.

Harry
Oh. Actually, I completely forgot about that.

Steve
Well then maybe it's about Christa deciding she'd rather date me.

Harry
Huh. I forgot about that too. Besides, she's really fat now.

Steve
I see. So this is about me getting into St Johns and you...not getting into St. Johns

Harry
I went to Harvard.

Steve
It's about me not being allergic to peanuts and you are!

Harry
I don't even like the smell.

Steve
It's about me being a struggling screenwriter!

Harry
I love being a lawyer.

Steve
It's about me living in a flea bag apartment.

Harry (looks around)
Ugh. It's pretty bad.

Steve
It's about me getting fat! Losing my hair! Not getting laid in about 2 years! Being lonely! Despondent! Wanting to kill myself but not having the guts! It's- It's ......

HARRY JUST STARES.

Steve
Set up the board.

My Political Sketch

2008-09-26T07:32:00.000-07:00

BARACK OBAMA AND JOHN MCCAIN ARE AT THEIR DEBATE PODIUMS.

OBAMA
Before we begin our debate, I want to thank Senator McCain for showing up.

MCCAIN
And I want to thank Senator Obama for letting me out of his trunk.

OBAMA
My methods of getting you here may have been harsh, but I think you're going to like what I have to say. I don't want to debate.

MCCAIN
So you are admitting I'm right? We should work together on fixing he economy?

OBAMA
You are, indeed right. In fact, I think you should be president.

CROWD GASPS, STARTS TALKING

MCCAIN
I-I-don't know what to say.

OBAMA
Say you'll take the country in the state it's in, use your Maverick style and get us all back on course.

MCCAIN
Wait! I see what you're doing, Barry!

OBAMA
I'm offering you the country's highest position on a silver platter.

MCCAIN
Bull! This country's a stadium full of shit and you're handing me a square of toilet paper!

OBAMA
This ordeal has been grueling. I simply want to spend more time with my family.

MCCAIN
Don't you dare use that "spend more time with my family" bullshit. I invented that line! It was part of a bill I wrote in '75!

OBAMA
Senator McCain, I concede. You are the next president.

MCCAIN
No! I concede! You're the next president.

OBAMA
Surely the American public doesn't need me to lead them. I'm a black supremacist!

MCCAIN
Oh yeah? Well I'm an atheist!

OBAMA
I'm cheating on my wife.

MCCAIN
Big deal.

OBAMA
...with a man. Goin' on the down low!

MCCAIN
My wife's a robot! A real robot!

OBAMA
I'm a member of Al-Queda

MCCAIN
I fund you guys!

OBAMA
My vice presidential pick thinks we can time-travel.

MCCAIN
Mine talks in tongues!

OBAMA
I have as much substance as Jessica Simpson's lip gloss!

MCCAIN
I just had triple bypass surgery, chemo for lung cancer and I think I'm having a small stroke as I speak.

OBAMA
(puts on an dashiki) I'm not even an American citizen!

MCCAIN
( like he's got Down's Syndrome) Ah'm re-tah-ded!

THEY BOTH START SPEAKING AT THE SAME TIME.

OBAMA(speaking tongues)
OO-LA-OO-LA-OO-LA-OO-LA-OO!!

MCCAIN
AH-BLA-BLA-BLA-BLA!

THE CROWD GOES WILD. THE DEBATE MODERATOR STANDS UP.

MODERATOR
Everyone, calm down! Just calm down!

SCREEN GOES TO AN AMERICAN FLAG TEST PATTERN WITH "THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.

END.

Meeting

2008-09-25T12:24:00.001-07:00

A GROUP OF MALE AND FEMALE EXECUTIVES ARE SITTING AROUND A CONFERENCE TABLE. THEY ARE ALL CONSULTING THEIR BLACKBERRIES

SMITH
So how about we schedule the next meeting for Tuesday the 12th at 10?

JOHNSON
No can do. That's my weekly approvals meeting. How about Wednesday the 13th at 2?

WILLIAMS
Can't. I'll be in Dallas until the 19th.

JOHNSON
Perfect. I'm clear until 3PM on the 20th.

SMITH
I'm not. I have3PM

WILLIAMS
How about the 22nd?

JOHNSON
I can do it at 9, 1 or 6.

SMITH
I can do it at 10, 2 or 5.

WILLIAMS
(sigh) The 23rd? Anytime?

SMITH
I may be able to squeeze it in after my lunch meeting but before the Commencement Dinner.

JOHNSON
I've got 23 minutes free starting at 1:22.

WILLIAMS
And I'm all clear that day! Oh. Wait. It's my summer Friday.

THEY ARE ALL FRUSTRATED.

SMITH
This is absurd.

WILLIAMS
Yeah. Someone has to give.

JOHNSON
Yeah. But I have to bolt. I got an 11:24 conference call with Iceland starting in 2 minutes.

SMITH
So lets touch base again and set up a meeting time.

WILLIAMS
When?

JOHNSON
I can do it at 5:15...

WILLIAM
No can do. Gotta Power Point thing then. How about 6?

And so on....

Group Therapy Breakout

2008-09-24T10:34:00.000-07:00

A circle of 5 people are in a therapist’s office.

DR. MADGE
So, let’s talk about what happened last week…

JERRY
Carolyn pissed me off with her commitment-phobe comment

DR. MADGE
Jerry, use your “feelings” words

JERRY
(sigh) Carolyn, when you said I was a classic commitment-phobe, it made my feelings angry.

DR. MADGE
Carolyn? Would you like to respond?

CAROLYN
Jerry, I only said that because at the time it made my feelings frustrated.

DR. MADGE
How are Jerry and Carolyn's feelings making everyone feel?

HAL
HAL
Carolyn’s feelings make my feelings feel anxious.

CAROLYN
Well that makes my feelings feel indignant!

JUNE
And my feelings feel awkward.

DR MADGE
Hal? How do you feel about June and Carolyn’s feelings about your feelings?

HAL
Alone. It makes my feelings feel like feelings.

JERRY
I know what Hal means. My feelings really feel like feelings of feelings.

DR. MADGE
You’re fidgeting, Carolyn.

CAROLYN
The men sound superficial. As a woman, I feel my feelings about my feelings have more feeling to them.

HAL
Just because we’re men doesn’t mean our feelings don’t have feelings, Carolyn.

JERRY
Yeah. In fact, I think the feelings attached to my feelings are sprouting even more feelings.

HAL
I know what you mean, Jer. My feelings are morphing into multiple feelings with added dimensions of feelings.

JERRY
It’s amazing how feeling so many feelings makes you feel like feeling. I just want to…

Jerry starts to cry. Hal lets out a sob. They cry and sob for a weirdly long period of time. Then they hug. Then they start to wrestle. Then they start throwing punches and fighting.

CAROLYN
Should we stop them?

DR. MADGE
Let them feel their way through.

Finally, Jerry lifts up his chair and cracks it over Hal’s head, knocking him out.

CAROLYN & JUNE
Gasp!…Oh no!

DR. MADGE
And that, my dears, is a breakthrough. See you next week.

The Wrong Date

2008-09-23T11:14:00.001-07:00

Lyle and Mona are on a date. It is very awkward.

LYLE
Soooo…….

MONA
Yeah….

LYLE
Last night-

MONA
We were SO drunk.

LYLE
SO drunk. Whaddya say we start over?

MONA
(releived) GREAT idea!

LYLE
(Holds out hand) Hi. I’m Lyle.

MONA
And you already know my name!

LYLE
Uh, actually…

MONA
Oh. Of course. It’s Mona.

LYLE
Yes! Mona! And you’re a systems analyst!

MONA
No, I’m a social worker.

LYLE
Of course. From Idaho!

MONA
New Hampshire.

LYLE
Where you worked in the library and became a vegan!

MONA
Where I was worked on my dad’s cattle ranch and played basketball.

LYLE
(enthusiastically) Naturally! And you just couldn’t wait to leave that one-horse town!

MONA
I only left for a job. I dream of raising a family there.

LYLE
(makes a “sad face”) But you’re infertile-

MONA
What? No! Not at all!

LYLE
Are you sure?

MONA
Yes, I’m sure!

LYLE
But…last night…you said we didn’t need to use…

MONA
Yes we did! Remember the Day Glo Condom Dance!

LYLE
But I hate dancing…

MONA
Then how come you were the only guy on your college Jazz Dance team?

LYLE
Never. Really. NEV-ER

MONA
And I suppose you never played ukalale?

LYLE
Nope.

MONA
Or rode a unicycle?

Lyle shakes his head.

MONA
I don’t think we…

LYLE
No, me neither.

MONA
Then how?

LYLE
No idea.

They stare away from one another, awkward and uncomfortable.

LYLE
Actually, I’m a little-

MONA
Relieved?

LYLE
Yes! I was thinking I was going out with some artsy, humorless animal rights activist.

MONA
And I thought you were gay!

They both laugh. The waiter comes by with two HUGE fishbowl drinks.

WAITER
I’ve got a Blue Hawaiian Orgasmic Clash and a Mental Meltdown Mayhem?

LYLE
Um, I think I changed my mind. I’ll have a Coke.

MONA
Make that two.

Anti-Bellum

2008-09-22T09:04:00.002-07:00

Pumpkin, a young Southern woman in her twenties, is defending herself to the Standards Committee of her sorority, Alpha Delta Delta.

PUMPKIN
Yes, I understand why I'm here. They say I don't act right sometimes. That I better watch the way I hug my sorority sisters during the Sister Circle time and that I stare at some girls for a little too long in the group showers.

First of all, since when is showing affection to my true sisters of ADD, the very sisters I'm bound to for life, who I can count of no matter what, when is this wrong? Besides, there's just not enough love int this world and I want to change that in any way I can. Pressing myself up against Didi Myers is just one way of doing that.

And I know she's the one who says I stare at her in the group showers. Starring? Please. She ain't even that pretty. Now if it was Laura Whitten, well, maybe. But only because the teacup matches the saucer and you don't see a lot of that in Georgia.

I love my sisters, I do. But sometimes I think I have more in common with my Women's Hackesack Club. We're always cutting up, and play-wreslin'. We even use each other's laps as pillows when we want to take a nap on the bus taking us to our hiking trips. One time at an ADD retreat I tried to put my head on Ashley Mayfield's lap and she acted like I dipped my hair in shit. Sorry I cussed, but there's no other way to describe the look on her face.

The ADD girls all tell me to go out with more boys and be social, so I did. I went to the Civil War Victory party with Bobby White and it was ok. At first we didn't have much to talk about but then I noticed his gun rack on his truck. We stayed up til 2AM comparing the A-BOLT Stainless Salker to the 10GX3P with Accu-Trigger. I'm a Browning girl myself, but Bobby says Savage guns work best.

I didn't let him kiss me though 'cause I didn't want to be a slut. But maybe I will next time he comes over to watch The Girls Next Door. We love that show.

So you can see I'm trying But I am truly sorry for the misunderstanding and all. I promise to be more careful and sensitive. I wrote a poem about it and I'm reading it tonight at the Organic Cafe. I hope y'all can make it. Thanks.

Another Commercial Parody

2008-09-22T09:04:00.001-07:00

OPEN ON AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AUDITORIUM. KIDS IN ANIMAL AND TREE COSTUMES ARE MILLING ABOUT, GETTING READY FOR THE BIG PLAY. JONAH, A LITTLE 4-YEAR-OLD BOY DRESSED AS A TREE, RUNS UP TO HIS MOM, WHO'S HOLDING LAPTOP.

INSTRUMENTAL UNDERNEATH IS SOME CORNY, SAPPY CRAP.

JONAH
Mommy! Mommy! Is Daddy coming?

MOM
Oh, he'll be here sweetie. On the internet.

JONAH
What's the in-per-nat?

MOM
Something very, very special.

CUT TO JENSEN, AKA "DADDY", AT THE END OF A LONG CONFERENCE TABLE WITH SEVERAL JAPANESE BUSINESSMEN. HE'S IN THE MIDDLE OF WATCHING THEIR PRESENTATION WHEN HE NOTICES THE CLOCK ON THE WALL. HE ABRUPTLY PICKS UP HIS BRIEFCASE AND STARTS TO LEAVE. HIS BOSS GRABS HIS SLEEVE.

BOSS
Where do you think you're going?

JENSEN/DADDY
I'm sorry, boss, but I made a promise. Someone very special is waiting for me.

CUT BACK TO THE SCHOOL AUDITORIUM. WE SEE THE MOM SETTING UP HER LAPTOP/ VIDEO CAMERA AS THE PLAY BEGINS. A VOICE OVER COMES UP OVER THE ACTION.

ANNOUNCER
MacIntosh put the world's most advance d communications technology in your hands so you can communicate with the people closest to you.

CUT TO JENSEN/DADDY IN HIS HOTEL ROOM IN FRONT OF A LAPTOP. ON THE DESK IS A PICTURE OF JONAH AND HIS MOM. WE SEE A PROFILE OF HIM AS HE EXCITEDLY PUNCHES THE COMPUTER KEYS.

ANNOUNCER
After all, our technology is just a bunch of wires and mechanics until you make it something that brings people together.

CUT BACK TO THE SCHOOL AUDITORIUM. THE PLAY IS IN FULL SWING, BUT THE MOM'S LAPTOP ISN'T CONNECTING TO THE DADDY.

MOM
Funny...it worked this morning.

CUT BACK TO JENSEN'S HOTEL ROOM. JENSEN TURNS THE PICTURE OF HIS FAMILY FACE DOWN. A PINK GLOW LIGHTS FROM THE SCREEN. THE SAPPY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY. PORNO MUSIC CUES UP.

JENSEN/DADDY
Hellloooo Candy! Daddy's home!

CANDY
Oh no! I've been very, very bad!

JENSEN/DADDY
Tell Daddy everything.

PAN TO A SHOT FROM BEHIND JENSEN. WE SEE HIM STAND UP AND START TO TAKE HIS PANTS OFF IN FRONT OF TE COMPUTER. THE MAC LOGO POPS UP WITH THE TAGLINE.

ANNOUNCER
MacIntosh. Technology you can't beat.

Check Out

2008-09-22T08:54:00.000-07:00

Donna, a 50ish checkout person in a supermarket, is scanning a young woman's items. She scans a bunch of frozen dinners.

DONNA
Lean Cuisine...Lean Cuisine...Lean Cuisine...Oof. Lots of dinners for one, huh, honey?

WOMAN
(embarrassed) Well, it's just that I work late and...

DONNA
Oh. No one to come home to, huh? Sad.

WOMAN
It's not sad! I'm not sad! I have a very fulfilling career.

DONNA STARTS TO PACK HER BAGS AS WOMAN RUNS HER DEBIT CARD THROUGH THE MACHINE.

DONNA
(sigh) I see a lot of you in this line of work. You come to me with your tubs of hummus and bags of cat litter-

WOMAN
Can you just, stop talking, please?

DONNA
...rushing home to watch your Tivo'ed episodes of Mad Men...

WOMAN
You're very rude!

WOMAN YANKS RECEIPT, TAKES BAG AND STORMS AWAY.

DONNA
(yelling after her) You're not gonna meet anyone being that way! Sheesh.

A MAN STEPS UP AND STARTS UNLOADING CASES OF BEER ON THE CONVEYOR BELT

DONNA
Oooooh, look what we got here. Case after case of Forget My Problems juice.

MAN
Huh?

DONNA
It's Wednesday night. Like I'm gonna believe all this booze's for a (does air quotes) "party".

MAN
Can I just pay?

DONNA
Sure. I'm guessing you're using your credit card since you drink all your cash away.

MAN
(handing her credit card) Only because I want the airline miles!

DONNA
Well after drinkin' all this you'll be flyin' tonight! (laughs at her own joke)

MAN GRABS RECEIPT AND STORMS AWAY. A VERY HEAVY MAN STARTS UNLOADING TONS OF JUNK FOOD ONTO THE CONVEYOR BELT.

DONNA
Oh now. This one's just too easy.

SHE PUTS UP A CLOSED SIGN ON HER STATION

DONNA
Sorry. Next aisle. They're taking 3 issues or fewer one over.

END

Car Pool

2008-09-19T12:54:00.000-07:00

CAR POOL

FOUR MEN AND ONE WOMAN ARE CAR POOLING TO WORK. THE WOMAN IS SITTING IN THE FRONT PASSENGER’S SEAT. THEY ARE LISTENING TO MUTT & JEFF, A MORNING ZOO CREW.

MUTT MULCAHY
Hey-what time is it?

JEFF JEFFERSTONE
According to my watch, it’s Butt Cheese O’Clock

SFX: A LOUNGE SINGER SINGING, “BUTT CHEESSSE OOOOOOOO-CLOOOOOCCK!”

THE MEN LAUGH. THE WOMAN SMILES BUT OBVIOUSLY DOESN’T THINK IT’S FUNNY.

MUTT MULCAHY
Let me just lift myself off my chair and-

SFX: FART NOISE

THE MEN KEEP LAUGHING. THE WOMAN IS ROLLING HER EYES.

JEFF JEFFERSTONE
Hey Mutt….Boobs!

MUTT MULCAHY
Hey Jeff...Vagina!

THE MEN ARE LAUGHING EVEN HARDER. THE WOMAN MAKES A FACE.

JEFF JEFFERSTONE
Burps!

MUTT MULCAHY
Boogers!

JEFF JEFFERSTONE
Punching you really hard in the arm!

MUTT MULCAHY
Wrestling on the sidewalk!

THE MEN ARE IN HYSTERICS. THE WOMAN IS INCREDULOUS.

JEFF JEFFERSTONE
Doing the robot dance at a wedding reception!

MUTT MULCAHY
Grabbing your balls from behind!

JEFF JEFFERSTONE
Hey, how about-
SFX: Bike horn sound! Bike horn sound!

MUTT MULCAHY
Yeah, or
SFX: AAAOOOOGA! sound

THE MEN ARE BESIDE THEMSELVES. THE WOMAN IS STONE FACED. THE MAN DRIVING PULLS THE CAR OVER.

MAN DRIVING
(still laughing) Good thing we’re here! I almost drove off the road!

GUY IN BACK SEAT
Good times, good times. See you all at five.

WOMAN
I’m taking the bus.

END

TMI

2008-09-18T11:49:00.002-07:00

Brenda, the receptionist, sits at her desk in the front of the office. Carl walks in.

BRENDA
Good Morning, Carl! How are you?

CARL
Good. How are you!

BRENDA
Grrrreat! I haven't had a drink for 14 days!

CARL
South Beach Diet, right? My wife's on that.

BRENDA
I'll say a diet! A diet of recovery! I'm in AA. I used to be a falling down drunk!

CARL
(Uncomfortable) Oh, uh...that's good. Congratulations.

BRENDA
And such a slut! Buy me 16 White Russians and a coupla boxes of Parliament Lights and I was yours!

CARL
Ha-ha! Well I should-

BRENDA
I'd do anything, I mean ANYTHING! I used to be a gymnast, so I'm super flexible!

CARL
Yeah, uh...

BRENDA
Afterwards I'd wake up and want to kill myself.

CARL
I'm sorry to hear tha-

BRENDA
I'd stand over the sink with a knife in my hand, but I never had the guts to cut deep enough.

CARL
Woo! Look at the-

BRENDA
One time I used this paperclip to break the wound, hoping I'd die right here in this desk!

CARL
Eh..

BRENDA
I keep it to remind me where I've been. This and the last used condom from my last one night stand.

CARL
Brenda, I really gotta go.

BRENDA
Of course! See you later!

CARL BOLTS OUT OF THE AREA. THE PHONE RINGS.

BRENDA(picks up phone)
Good Morning. Seagrams. May I help you?

Fairy Mom

2008-09-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

HENRY AND EMILY, 2 HIGH SCHOOL JUNIORS, ARE DOING THEIR HOMEWORK AT THE KITCHEN TABLE IN HENRY’S HOUSE.

HENRY
I got 47 for the last one.

EMILY
So did I! (looks at him adoringly) We have so much in common

HENRY
(shy but pleased) Yeah, huh, yeah.

THEY TENTATIVELY LEAN FORWARD FOR A KISS, WHEN A PUFF OF SMOKE SUDDENLY APPEARS BETWEEN THEM. A PINK FAIRY APPEARS.

TWINKLE
(sing-songy voice) Do I smell rosy-posie love in the air?

EMILY
Oh my god! It's Twinkle Starr! The Fairy-est Fairy in Fairyville!

HENRY
(turns sullen) I know.

EMILY
She’s not some actress! She’s a real fairy!

HENRY
Yeah, I know.

TWINKLE
I didn’t realize you were having company, Henry. I would’ve made a plate of homemade wishes!

HENRY
No one can eat wishes, Mom.

EMILY
Wait-Twinkle Star is your MOM? That must be soooo cool!

HENRY
No. It’s not.

TWINKLE
(sing-songy voice) Oh yes, Henry and I are very, very, very good friends from a long time ago!

HENRY
Yeah. We met when I came out of her vagina.

EMILY
(gasps) Henry!

TWINKLE
That was a very naughty thing to say! And you know what that means—

TWINKLE PULLS OUT A BIG BRAIN HAT WITH A SASH AROUND IT LABELED, “NAUGHTY NOGGIN”

HENRY
No. Absolutely not. Look, just-just GROUND me or send Emily home, something a normal parent would do!

TWINKLE LOOKS PUZZLED.

TWINKLE
But all naughty children wear this.

HENRY
That's just it, Mom! I'm not a little kid anymore. I'm a teenager! I need discipline and real food! Not bowls of glitter and songs like "Don't Let Strangers Touch Your Bathing Suit Place"!

TWINKLE
(gasps) Henry! Did this neophyte touch your-

HENRY
No!

TWINKLE
(giving evil eye to Emily) I think you may be visiting Liar Land, young man.

EMILY
Um, I think I should get going...

TINKLY MUSIC CUES UP

HENRY
You shouldn't have said that

TWINKLE (sings)
And now it's time to say good bye
don't be sad, don't you cry
we'll have another real good time
won't we, you dirty slut?

HENRY
Mooomm....

TWINKLE
It's time for us to Toodle-Loo
go home and eat some yummy stew
then off to bed you must shoo
and do it with the entire football team!

EMILY
(crying) I'm not like that!

EMILY STORMS OUT.

HENRY GRABS HIS BOOKS TO LEAVE

HENRY
Next time, I'll wear the hat.

Female Advertising Round Table Sisterhood

2008-09-16T16:38:00.000-07:00

When I first moved to NYC, my dad would doodle cartoons about my life in the city, usually teasing me about my single girl life and my work at an ad agency. In one cartoon he made up a name of a "club" I belonged to. This is the name of the club he invented. I added the S.

Thanks for the inspiration, Dad! PS: Don't read Stage Mom.

A group of twenty-something Southern women are gathered for a meeting. They look like they're in a sorority. The leader, Calissa, gets is front of the room behind a podium. Behind her is a banner that reads, "F.A.R.T. S."

CALISSA
Ok! The Female Advertising Round Table Sisters meeting is starting. Blanche, will you read our first item for discussion?

BLANCHE
Let's see....um...Recruitment and PR.

CALISSA
Ah, yes. How do we push our beloved FARTS out to young women across the country? How do we make FARTS something everyone talks about? Darcy?

DARCY
I think we should do up a brochure, describing in detail what FARTS are all about...

MADISON
I love that idea, Darcy. And some of us can write little stories about our positive experiences with FARTS to put in it.

CALISSA
Nice build, Madison. It makes FARTS personal and approachable! Suzannah?

SUZANNAH
I thought it would be fun to have a big dance and invite girls from all the major communications schools.

CALISSA
Nice. We can call it something catchy like...FARTS Big Blast!

ALL THE GIRLS
Fun!...Cute!...Love it!

MORGAN
I have an idea? Why don't we do a fund raiser for a charity? Something that can really build up a good image for FARTS?

CALISSA
Nice, Morgan. But what cause?

MORGAN
Well, my dad? He's a gastroenterologist? And he says even though Katie Couric did a lot to promote colon cancer, it's still, like, needs money?

CALISSA
Hmmm....FARTS for Colon Cancer. I like it. Look into it and bring more Any more suggestions to promote memberships and image? Good. What's our next order of business?

BLANCHE
Community Involvement. Specifically, what can FARTS do to help with the current gas crisis?

CALISSA (looks at watch)
Oooh! I'm afraid the gas and FARTS is gonna have to wait. FARTS has to clear the room in 2 minutes.

Girls start to gather up and leave.

CALISSA
Remember...a lot of FARTS couldn't make it out! Let them know what's happening. Your FARTS are their FARTS!

The Bad Life

2008-09-15T12:34:00.000-07:00

Marjorie is sitting filing her nails in cubicle in a nondescript office. Melanie comes in with a bagel on a plate.

MARJORIE
Oh, it’s bagel day. I forgot.

MELANIE
(has a whiney,monotone voice.) You aren’t missing anything. They never buy enough cream cheese. It totally sucks!

MARJORIE
They always have lots of butter.

MELANIE
I know, I used it. Now I’m gonna be fat AND die of heart disease. It totally sucks!

MARJORIE
Well, at least they’re free.

MELANIE
Pfft. I wish they’d take the money they spend on bagels and give it to me. Maybe my raise would’ve been bigger. It totally sucks!

MARJORIE
Wait-you got a raise? See-I told you you’d get yours! Congratulations! That’s great news.

MELANIE
Not really. It’s only like, 10 dollars more a paycheck. It totally sucks!

MARJORIE
Oh come on. More money is always better.

MELANIE
Not really. I just found out I’ve got a winning lottery ticket and I’m so stressed about it. It totally sucks!

MARJORIE
Whoa-NOT a MegaMillions one! That’s up to 250 million dollars!

MELANIE
Yes it’s the MegaMillions! And it totally sucks!

MARJORIE
(gets up and starts jumping up and down and squealing) Oh my god! Oh my god! (hugs Melanie) What are you doing here! You’re a multi-millionaire. Why didn’t say anything?!

MELANIE
(sigh) My financial advisor told me to live my normal life for now. So I’ve got this money and I can’t even sleep late! It totally sucks!

MARJORIE
(agitated) I can’t believe you, Melanie. What’s going to make you happy? You have this wonderful life and you complain about EVERYTHING. Free bagels. A salary hike that you didn’t even NEED because you WON THE FRIGGIN’ LOTTERY, for Chrissakes.

MELANIE
(takes a bite of bagel) Eew. It’s stale! It totally sucks!

MAJORIE
Arrrrgh! I’m switching cubes!

Marjorie gathers up her stuff and storms off.

GEORGE CLOONEY enters.

GEORGE
Melanie! Please! I’m begging you, marry me!

MELANIE
George! I told you I’m not ready to settle down and you keep bugging me. (sighs and looks at up at heavens.) MY LIFE TOTALLY SUCKS!

Cooking Right-eous

2008-09-14T10:34:00.001-07:00

Open on a cooking show. Mandy and Andi, the co-host and guest, are behind the kitchen counter with various ingredients. Both women are Earth Mama types, with long, straight brown hair, wearing a tie-dyed tank top and drindl skirt. They talk in hushed, peaceful tones.

CELESTE
Welcome to Eat In Peace. I'm Celeste Sorrenson. I'm here with Andi Stevens, author of, "Organic, Not Angry." Thanks for joining us, Andi.

ANDI
It's great to be here, Peace.

CELESTE
So...let's make a stew together, shall we?

ANDI
Okay. We're gonna start by browning this hormone and antibiotic-free, grass fed, ethically treated beef from the Commune Canyon.

CELESTE
Mmmmm, sounds delicious. Should I start chopping this organic onion?

ANDI
Yes, please. And that onion is more than organic.

CELESTE
I know-I was testing you!

Both attempt to laugh but it's obvious they have no sense of humor.

CELESTE
(cont) This onion was picked by meditating doulas after they cleansed their minds of all negativity.

ANDI
The very thought makes me want to cry. And you haven't even cut the onion yet.

Again, both attempt to laugh but it's obvious they just don't know how.

CELESTE
And what are you going to with those potatoes over there?

ANDI
Don't you mean what am I doing with the very living things that were granted amnesty for protesting China's occupation of Tibet? I'm going to peel them and cut them into big chunks so they don't break down during the stew's long cooking time.

CELESTE
I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. I was busy washing this chard that's famous for starting the impactful Women Against Sarah Palin Facebook page.

ANDI
That kind of chard is great to add at the end of the stews cooking time.

CELESTE
Yes. You let it steam with the juices right after you add this jar of gravy.

Celeste holds up a jar of Auntie Anne's Beef Gravy. Andi freezes in horror.

ANDI
Th-that's Auntie Anne's gravy!

CELESTE
I know. It's my little secret.

ANDI
Did you know that Auntie Anne's gravy supports having the government control your womb?

CELESTE
Oh please, that's just a rumor.

ANDI
No it's not! Ask the sustainable organic dijon mustard in the biodegradable jar!

CELESTE
I don't need to do that. I'm using the gravy.

ANDI
(tries to grab it) You can't!

CELESTE
(holds on to it) Stop!

There is a scuffle and the gravy drops to the floor and breaks.

CELESTE
You bitch! You broke it!

ANDI
Good! I'm glad! I don't want that filth anywhere near my stew!

CELESTE
Newsflash, you bleeding liberal! I switched out those onions for one's I got from a gift basket...for contributing to the IRAQ WAR!

Andi gasps

CELESTE
Someone's got to show those towel heads who's boss!

Andi is pushed to the brink. She attacks Celeste and they begin fighting. The camera pulls out and the logo
Eat In Peace" appears on screen.

ANNCR:
And that concludes today's Eat In Peace. If you'd like today's recipe, er, nevermind.

Stage Mom

2008-09-14T10:34:00.000-07:00

Writer's Note: This sketch grosses me out. And I wrote it. Horray for porn and cancer!

Open on the waiting room of a casting office. It's filled with lots of young women with fake boobs, blown-up lips and blond hair extensions. Drake, the director, comes out of the office with a stack of head shots in his hand.

DRAKE
OK, so the lucky ladies who will be starring in "The Biography of Sarah Shank-In" are...Montana Mounds...

MONTANA
Yes!

DRAKE
...Willow Bend...

WILLOW
Yes! Yes! Yes!

DRAKE
...and Polly Pushit

POLLY
Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! YYYYYYYES!

DRAKE
Thanks to the rest of you. Better luck next time...

Drake turns to go back into his office. He's stopped by Fawn Swallow, a blond bimbo'ed woman. She is being gently pushed by her mother, a 50ish woman who looks like an older, harder version of Fawn.

FAWN
(very shy) Excuse me, Mr. Drake?

DRAKE
Yes

FAWN
I-I'm Fawn? Fawn Swallow? And I-I-um, I..j-j-ust wanted, um, um

MRS. SWALLOW
(stage whispering to Fawn) Tell him you want to thank him for the opportunity to star in his porn

FAWN SWALLOW
I wanted to thank you? For this opportunity?

DRAKE
(looking suspiciously at Mrs. Swallow) Your welcome, Fawn.

MRS. SWALLOW
I have to say, Mr. Drake, I think you made a big mistake not casting my daughter.

DRAKE
Maybe. But it's too late now. Excuse me, I

MRS. SWALLOW
(interupts) No one moans like Fawn. Honey, show him your moan.

Fawn begins to moan as her mom smiles proudly.

MRS. SWALLOW
Hear that? Our neighbor has cut his Internet porn bill in half because of it!

DRAKE
That's a great moan, but we were looking for something more.

MRS. SWALLOW
More than SIX inputs?

FAWN
(embarrassed but proud) Oh, Mama!

DRAKE
How is that even possible?

FAWN
Mama's got me doin' it with my nose and my ears! We practice with bananas!

MRS. SWALLOW
She works so hard. (beat) Pun intended!

DRAKE
I'm impressed. Look, maybe for another project, 'kay?

MRS. SWALLOW
Like, what project? When?

DRAKE
I don't know. I gotta get this one done first.

MRS. SWALLOW
Mr. Drake, you of all people should know that we're running out of time. Fawn here is almost 18, and she'll be too old for porn before you know it.

DRAKE
Well there's always Agin' Babes. (looks at Mrs. Swallow) Hey! How many inputs do you have?

MRS. SWALLOW
(flustered and flattered, giggles) Oh Mr. Drake! Me?

DRAKE
Seriously. I have a "I Love The Fucking 50's" project coming up.

FAWN
Eeeww! Mama!

MRS. SWALLOW
Shut up, Fawn! (to Drake) My daughter forgets... I taught her everything she knows!

DRAKE
Then consider yourself hired.

MRS. SWALLOW
Thank-you! I won't let you down.

DRAKE
Good. But you better get me off.

They both laugh and Drake leaves.

FAWN
(pissed) Mama! You're supposed to be living your porn star dreams though me. Not making them come true for yourself!

MRS. SWALLOW
Tell you what, sweetie. I'll take the money I make and get you the better implants. The ones that don't give you cancer.

FAWN
Yay!

END

Anonymous Caught

2008-09-11T13:33:00.001-07:00

Jane Morgan, he local evening news casters, are sitting behind their anchor desks delivering the night's news.

JANE
He sights facts that aren't true on message boards across the country. His spelling is horrendous, his grammar, incomprehensible. He insults your mother on your blog and claims to have a friend who personally knows Barack Obama. He's ANONYMOUS and you've never seen him before in your life. Until now. Chet Hartness reports to us from the East Side. Chet-

Cut to Chet in a yellow slicker, standing outside a lake.

CHET
I'm here in front of Lake Winnatonga, where several witnesses claim to have seen ANONYMOUS lurking in the shadows.

Cut to woman being interviewed

WOMAN 1
Yeah, so I was walking my dog and I hear "(bleep) Corgies! Corgies (bleep!) and I turned around and saw a tall, thin man with a White Lion T-Shirt for a second. Then he ran away.

Cut to man in vintage baseball cap

MAN 1
She was maybe 30? 40? She was overweight, definitely. She called me a "privileged white male rapist prick." Then she ducked back behind the tree. I don't even know her.

Cut to teenage girl

GIRL1
I was busy texting? On my iPhone? And Jackson Svinski from Calculus? He popped out of the trashcan and called me a stuck-up bitch? At least I think it was him, I'm not sure.

Cut back to Chet by lake.

CHET
As you can see, Jane, the accounts of ANONYMOUS are varied, but very much in sync. Cowardly. Not very intelligent. And hostile for no reason.

Back to Jane in newsroom swiveled towards Chet on screen.
JANE
Well, let's hope this unwarranted hostility finds a more creative, constructive outlet.

CHET
Or a least a good support group.

Chet and Jane laugh in that fake newscaster way.

JANE
Thanks, Chet.

Jane swivels towards camera.

JANE
Coming up next, Facebook Fakers. Does anyone really have 245 "friends"?

END

Sage Advice

2008-09-10T17:22:00.000-07:00

Charlie, a white, upper middle class guy in his thrities, is walking aimlessly around a city park. He's so nondescript that he's a stereotype-wearing modern slightly trendy glasses, an untucked button down shirt, levis, Converse shoes. It's obvious he's had a bad week.

CHARLIE (V.O.)
I’m so depressed. So...lost and aimless. What’s important in life? I don’t even know anymore. I wish someone would come along and...

Charlie notices Don, an older black man sitting on a bench. Don looks like a dignified guy. He’s neatly dressed, leaning on a cane, watching the world go by.

CHARLIE
Hey! That looks promising.

Charlie walks over the bench and sits down next to Don. He looks over at Don and nods.

CHARLIE
Nice day, huh?

DON
(shrugs) Yeah.

CHARLIE
Come here a lot?

DON
Not really.

CHARLIE
(Sighs) It’s nice to just...sit.

DON
I guess.

CHARLIE
Think about life and stuff.

Don shrugs.

CHARLIE
It’s just...things get so..confusing, y’know?

Don looks at him blankly.

CHARLIE
What do YOU do when you feel like you’re on the wrong track?

Don realizes what Charlie is fishing for.

DON
(pissed off) Oh no! Not again!

CHARLIE
What?

DON
Another stupid white boy who thinks I’ve got some cute little sound bite of life-saving advice. All just because I’m old, black and have a cane.

CHARLIE
Woah. I’m not racist.

DON
Oh shut up! (shakes head in disgust) I’ll bet you think I’ve been a janitor at Martin Luther King High School for 30 years and love Miles Davis and Jackie Robinson or some other Woody Allen kinda bullshit.

CHARLIE
Actually, Woody Allen rarely puts black people in his films.

DON
You think I give a shit? Admit it. You probably had a whole story in your head about how I’ve been married 50 years to the love of my life and I just lost her ‘cause of her “sick heart.”

CHARLIE
(tries to deny it)No! I...

Don gives him a hard, “you’re full of shit” look.

CHARLIE
Actually, I thought you lost her to (using air quotes) “the cancer.”

DON
(sighs with frustration) Let me set you straight. I’ve been divorced once, I’m remarried to a woman I like fine enough but she’s no “love of my life” and I work as a claims adjuster for MetLife.

CHARLIE
In Harlem?

DON
In Midtown, you fool! I don’t have any “answers” or “sage advice.” My life can be just as fucked up as yours, and sometimes I suffer from ennui.

Charlie looks confused.

DON
It’s a feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction.

CHARLIE
I know what it means.

DON
So do I! Now get off my bench.

CHARLIE
Look, I’m sorry, I-

DON
(threatens him with cane) Go!

Charlie scampers away, flustered. He walks a bit more, shaking off his bad experience. We hear his inner dialog as he regains his composure.

CHARLIE (V.O.)
I learned a valuable lesson from Cletus that day. Or was his name Lamont? It doesn’t matter. What’s important is that he opened my eyes and helped me value the little things in life.

Charlie keeps walking.

CHARLIE (V.O.)
I’m still feeling a little confused, though.

He spots a heavyset black woman sitting on a bench.

CHARLIE (V.O.)
Hey! Sassy!

He walks towards her. She spots him and knows exactly what he wants.

LADY
Oh no. Don’t even think about it.

Charlie starts to protest but stops. He turns around and starts walking away, defeated. “Free Your Mind” by En Vogue plays as he fades in the distance.

END

Mr. Paws

2008-09-09T12:38:00.000-07:00

Jerome and Maggie, a twentysomething yuppy-like couple, are making out on her couch.

MAGGIE:: I say we move into the bedroom.

JEROME: I say, hell yeah!

They walk into Maggie’s bedroom. Jerome turns on the light. Maggie’s bed is covered with a huge, brown teddy bear.

JEROME: Woah! That’s one big bear!

MAGGIE: Ah-ha. Mr. Paws is a big boy! He was the mascot at the Make Your Own Pottery store where I used to work.!

JEROME: Um, does he have to stay on the bed?

Maggie goes over and picks him up.

MAGGIE: Of course not. Now, Mr. Paws, it’s time to go and ponder over in Ye Ol’ Rocking chair.

Maggie sets Mr. Paws in an oversized Rocking Chair overlooking the bed.

MAGGIE: While Mommy ponders something of her own. And by that I mean your penis.

Maggie slithers over to Jerome. She pushes him back onto the bed and starts to unbutton his shirt, kiss his neck, etc..

Jerome keeps staring at Mr. Paws starting at him. He gently pushes Maggie away.

JEROME: Hey-can we turn off the lights? It’s hard to concentrate with the bear, er, Mr. Paws…

MAGGIE: Oh. Sure

Maggie turns off the bedside lamp. We can still see them but we only see the shadow of Mr. Paws.

Maggie resumes getting sexy over Jerome.

Jerome: Now, this is more like it….

Jerome starts to get into the make out session. Suddenly Mr. Paws eyes glow red in the dark

Jerome pushes Maggie off him and turns on the light.

JEROME: Did you see that?!

MAGGIE: What?

JEROME: His eyes! They glowed! All evil and junk!

MAGGIE: Don’t be silly, Mr. Paws’ eyes are on a timer. They light up every now and then to tell customers their pottery was done. Don’t worry.

Maggie turns of the light and again and resumes sexy time. All the sudden Mr. Paws eyes light up and he starts to speak.

MR. PAWS: I’m gonna kill you…I’m gonna kill you..

Jerome throws Maggie towards Mr. Paws.

JEROME; AAAAAAH! He’s gonna kill us!

Maggie gets up and turns on the bedside lamp.

MAGGIE: For Chrissakes, Jerome. He’s saying I wanna KILN you. KILN, as in where you put pottery?!

JEROME: Oh.

MAGGIE: (sarcastically) Oh.

JEROME:: Look, I’m sorry. It sounded like kill.

MAGGIE: Bullshit, Jerome. Those are 2 VERY different words. You know what I think? I think you’re afraid of taking this relationship to the next level.

JEROME: First of all, there’s only a one letter difference between KILL and KILN. Secondly, relationship? This is our first date!

MAGGIE: So you’re calling me a slut?

JEROME: No, I’m calling you a whore. (mimicking Maggie) Those are VERY different words!

MAGGIE: (glowering at Jerome) Get him, Mr. Paws!

Mr. Paws leaps up and knocks Jerome down and starts to maim him. Maggie watches, then shrugs and walks over to her computer.

MAGGIE: eHarmony here I come. (Sigh) Again.

FADE AS JEROME CONTINUES TO GET KILLED BY MR. PAWS.

END

The Latest Fashions

2008-09-08T12:57:00.000-07:00

Vivian, a very rich woman, maybe in her 30’s, maybe in her 50’s if she’s got a good surgeon. She's sitting in the dressing area of a very exclusive store sipping champagne. It's obvious that there’s going to be some sort of private fashion show for her. The exclusive store’s concierge comes out.

DONALDO: Ah, Miss Vivian. We have a very exciting line to show you today.

MS. V: I can hardly wait, Donaldo.

DONALDO: Then let’s not.

He snaps his fingers in the air and some soft Tchaikovsky begins to play. A model comes out dressed in a big Russian fur hat, a skimpy fur coat and large fur boots. She’s holding a small baby.

DONALDO: From Russia with love! Our first piece is a little Russian orphan. Anya is 6 months old, has alabaster skin and sapphire eyes. Her hair is Jet, but is also available in Mocha.

MS. V: I love the coloring.

DONALDO: Yes! The woman who has Anya is always guaranteed to get compliments on her coloring. And Russian orphans are going to make a big comeback this season.

MS. V: True. But maybe she’s a little too young for me?

DONALDO: Since when is twenty-three old?

They both laugh condescendingly. Donaldo waves the model away.

DONALDO: Well here’s something a little more…worldly.

He snaps his fingers and African drum music begins to play. A beautiful black woman dressed in tribal robes comes out holding the hand of a little 3-year-old African boy.

DONALDO: Bang on the big drum! Little Drahnu hails from Kenya, where he lives in one of those Oprah orphanages.

MS. V: Oooh.

DONALDO: The mother that carries around a Shiki is the mother who says, “I’m with it. I know what’s going on over in those other continents that aren’t Europe.”

MS. V: Hmmmm…Nice, but I’m afraid it’s a little too…flashy for my taste.

DONALDO: I actually thought so, but I had to show you anyway.

MS. V: I know what you mean, dear.

DONALDO.: EVERYONE wants to be an Angelinadonna. But this next one, ah. you are going to love it.

MS.V: I can’t wait.

Donaldo snaps his fingers. A model dressed like a Mormon from the polygamist sect in Texas comes out with 5 kids, aged 2-10 in the traditional dress.

DONALDO: Fresh. New. Inspired. Even Spiritual. Unlike any other orphans in the world. Rescued from a Mormon polygamist compound and shipped just today.

MS V: Oh, Donaldo!

DONALDO: I know.

MS. V: And it’s an entire collection!

DONALDO: There are only 5 more like them in the WORLD. The rest were given back to their birth mothers.

MS. V: Miffy Buffendorff will simply DIE of jealousy. I must have them TODAY!

DONALDO: And you will. Let’s go back to my office and fill out the paperwork.

MS. V: I can’t WAIT to show them off at next week’s Save The Sidewalk charity event.

DONALDO: Indeed. Shall we? (to kids) We just have to call Ms. Vivians bank kids, and soon you’ll have a new mommy.

Donaldo and Vivian exit. As they do you hear the fading voice of Vivian.

VIVIAN: Are they hard to take care of?

DONALDO: We’ll send someone to do that for you.

END