A group of businessmen are sitting in a conference room. Stan leads the meeting with a power point presentation.
STAN
We spent 2.3 million on this research, and I'm very excited about the results.
JERRY
Stan, can we start on the demographic findings of our primary customers?
STAN
Sure. Our target consumer is a gay male in his mid-40's.
BILL
Really? I'd never of guessed.
STAN
That's why we pay Quantum Target the big bucks, Bill. So...gay male...mid 40's...very likely to own a small dog.
MIKE
Really? A gay man with a small dog? Who'd of thought?
STAN
I was surprised too. I thought they liked more exotic animals, like Tigers.
BILL
Where do they live?
STAN
Urban areas, mostly. There's a big concentration of them in New York City, Atlanta and San Francisco.
JERRY
San Francisco! Becky and I vacation there and never noticed. What are their interests?
STAN
They're very social. They like giving dinner parties, decorating, shopping...
BILL
Sounds like they'd make great wives!
ALL THE MEN LAUGH.
BILL
Seriously though. These interests can help us market to them in out-of home venues, like malls and 1-800-Mattress stores.
JERRY
Great thinking, Bill. I'm gonna build on that and say we should also think about getting involved with this Pampered Chef thing.
MIKE
Oh, they probably love that. I know my wife does.
THEY ALL LAUGH AGAIN. A BUSINESS WOMAN ENTERS.
MILLIE
Sorry to interrupt guys. Stan, I just got the invoice from Quantum Research and there's been a mistake.
STAN
We're going over it now. I'm not surprised. They're always overcharging.
MILLIE
That's what I thought. There's no way you'd spend 2.3 million researching the target market for The New York City Musical Festival. What a joke!
THE BUSINESS MEN ALL SIT UNCOMFORTABLY. A CLOCK TICKS SLOWLY. CUT TO BILL'S ADAM'S APPLE GULPING. THEN TO A BEAD OF SWEAT SLOWLY TRICKLING DOWN MIKE'S FOREHEAD. THEN TO JERRY'S NERVOUS LEG. THEN TO STAN'S EYES. HE LOOKS LIKE A DEER IN HEADLIGHTS, BLINKING UNCONTROLLABLY. HE REVIVES HIMSELF.
STAN
Yeah, uh, why don't you let me handle it? I know those guys.
MIKE
Yeah, Stan should handle it.
JERRY
It's his thing.
BILL
Definitely.
MILLIE
Great. Do you want to handle this other invoice for the research on the American Women's Softball Team target markets? It's also pretty expensive.
THE BUSINESS MEN ALL SIT UNCOMFORTABLY. A CLOCK TICKS SLOWLY. CUT TO BILL'S ADAM'S APPLE GULPING. THEN TO A BEAD OF SWEAT SLOWLY TRICKLING DOWN MIKE'S FOREHEAD. THEN TO JERRY'S NERVOUS LEG. THEN TO STAN'S EYES. HE LOOKS LIKE A DEER IN HEADLIGHTS, BLINKING UNCONTROLLABLY. HE REVIVES HIMSELF.
STAN
No, you can handle it. THAT is something I know we need!
MIKE, JERRY, BILL
Oh definitely...Yeah....Good stuff.
MILLIE
No problem. Good luck, gentlemen.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Me, In the Future
NINETY-YEAR-OLD ANNE IS SITTING WITH HER 20-YEAR-OLD GRANDSON, WALT JR., IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER THE SIZE OF A POSTAGE STAMP. ANNE IS TYPING ON IT.
WALT JR.
Grandma, I can't believe you still use hotmail. It barely works!
ANNE
Works good enough for me!
WALT JR.
But with 24thCenturyMail, you can talk face-to-face with people you don't even know!
ANNE
Why would I want anyone to see my face? I like the old days.
WALT JR.
But it was awful! People only read messages! There was no tone, no innuendo!
ANNE
It was wonderful! You could float a passive-agressive note to your sister and act like she was over-sensitive when she called you on it.
WALT JR.
But it's so much better with GigabotMail! You have to be honest!
ANNE
Honest? Why would I want to do that?
WALT JR.
Because it makes the world better.
ANNE
No-it makes everything more complicated. Back in my day, you could spend a good chunk of a lifetime communicating with people and have absolutely no intimacy at all!
WALT JR.
Sounds terrible.
ANNE
It was wonderful! No messy "working it out" with friends after a misunderstanding. No having to feel uncomfortable about turning down a party invitation. No faking a scratchy fake sick voice when calling in hungover to work.
WALT JR.
Sounds dishonest.
ANNE
Oh, we all knew what was going on. It just wasn't out in the open, all messy and huggy. Blech.
WALT JR.
Well, I'll take today's technology any day. Hotmail? That's lame.
A BEEP GOES OFF IN WALT JR.'S PANTS. IT'S HIS HANDHELD COMPUTER. HE GETS IT OUT AND READS IT. HE LOOKS UP AT ANNE.
WALT JR.
Did you just call me a pussy?
ANNE
I love hotmail.
WALT JR.
Grandma, I can't believe you still use hotmail. It barely works!
ANNE
Works good enough for me!
WALT JR.
But with 24thCenturyMail, you can talk face-to-face with people you don't even know!
ANNE
Why would I want anyone to see my face? I like the old days.
WALT JR.
But it was awful! People only read messages! There was no tone, no innuendo!
ANNE
It was wonderful! You could float a passive-agressive note to your sister and act like she was over-sensitive when she called you on it.
WALT JR.
But it's so much better with GigabotMail! You have to be honest!
ANNE
Honest? Why would I want to do that?
WALT JR.
Because it makes the world better.
ANNE
No-it makes everything more complicated. Back in my day, you could spend a good chunk of a lifetime communicating with people and have absolutely no intimacy at all!
WALT JR.
Sounds terrible.
ANNE
It was wonderful! No messy "working it out" with friends after a misunderstanding. No having to feel uncomfortable about turning down a party invitation. No faking a scratchy fake sick voice when calling in hungover to work.
WALT JR.
Sounds dishonest.
ANNE
Oh, we all knew what was going on. It just wasn't out in the open, all messy and huggy. Blech.
WALT JR.
Well, I'll take today's technology any day. Hotmail? That's lame.
A BEEP GOES OFF IN WALT JR.'S PANTS. IT'S HIS HANDHELD COMPUTER. HE GETS IT OUT AND READS IT. HE LOOKS UP AT ANNE.
WALT JR.
Did you just call me a pussy?
ANNE
I love hotmail.
World Music One Upmanship
A COFFEE HOUSE. MID AFTERNOON. JONAH IS SITTING AT A TABLE WITH HIS LAPTOP, WITH EARPHONES PLUGGED IN. HE'S A WHITE GUY WITH DREDS. DANIEL ENTERS. HE'S A WHITE GUY WEARING "POWER TO THE PEOPLE" SHIRT WITH A FIST.
DANIEL
Hey, Jonah, man.
JONAH
Daniel! Hey. Just listening to the latest from Zula Moreshi.
DANIEL
Who's that?
JONAH
Only the hottest Sephardi Israeli songstress to hit the scene. Can't believe you've never heard of her, man.
DANIEL
Guess it's because I'm too busy diggin' Yomayo Omigato.
JONAH
Oh, uh, yeah. Isn't he a Japanese Koh actor who plays electronic shamisen?
DANIEL
Wrong! SHE'S plays synthesized shakuhachi to reggae beats.
JONAH
Yeah, well, I'm more into the African scene now. A little old-school New World music.
DANIEL
That's cool. A little Toumani Diabate on the kora?
JONAH
A little Nuora doin' up some batuku
DANIEL
I prefer mazurka
JONAH
Then you'll love coladeira
DANIEL
You should give funukokomana a listen.
JONAH
And you should gooozumookubishu
DANIEL STARTS SPITTING
DANIEL
Psshtblahfahtnoogen
JONAH TAKES HIS INDEX FINGER AND STARTS DIBBLING HIS LOWER LIP
JONAH
Doi-did-doi-di-doi
DANIEL STARTS FLAPPING HIS ARMS LIKE A CHICKEN
DANIEL
Arrrruuuuuba! Aruuuuuba!
PAN BACK TO THE COFFEE COUNTER, WHERE JENNA AND JENNY, A COUPLE OF EARTHY GIRLS ARE WORKING
JENNY
Look at that. You can take the testoterone out of music...
JENNA
And even out of the guys
JENNY
And they STILL act like idiots.
DANIEL
Hey, Jonah, man.
JONAH
Daniel! Hey. Just listening to the latest from Zula Moreshi.
DANIEL
Who's that?
JONAH
Only the hottest Sephardi Israeli songstress to hit the scene. Can't believe you've never heard of her, man.
DANIEL
Guess it's because I'm too busy diggin' Yomayo Omigato.
JONAH
Oh, uh, yeah. Isn't he a Japanese Koh actor who plays electronic shamisen?
DANIEL
Wrong! SHE'S plays synthesized shakuhachi to reggae beats.
JONAH
Yeah, well, I'm more into the African scene now. A little old-school New World music.
DANIEL
That's cool. A little Toumani Diabate on the kora?
JONAH
A little Nuora doin' up some batuku
DANIEL
I prefer mazurka
JONAH
Then you'll love coladeira
DANIEL
You should give funukokomana a listen.
JONAH
And you should gooozumookubishu
DANIEL STARTS SPITTING
DANIEL
Psshtblahfahtnoogen
JONAH TAKES HIS INDEX FINGER AND STARTS DIBBLING HIS LOWER LIP
JONAH
Doi-did-doi-di-doi
DANIEL STARTS FLAPPING HIS ARMS LIKE A CHICKEN
DANIEL
Arrrruuuuuba! Aruuuuuba!
PAN BACK TO THE COFFEE COUNTER, WHERE JENNA AND JENNY, A COUPLE OF EARTHY GIRLS ARE WORKING
JENNY
Look at that. You can take the testoterone out of music...
JENNA
And even out of the guys
JENNY
And they STILL act like idiots.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Typical Teenage Girls
A GROUP OF 13-YEAR-OLD GIRLS ARE IN MIMI'S ROOM FOR A SLUMBER PARTY, DRESSED ALL IN PINK, GIRLY FLANNEL PJS. THEY'RE LOUNGING ON MIMI'S CANOPY BED OR LYING ON THEIR STOMACHS ON THEIR SLEEPING BAGS WITH THEIR FEET KICKING UP BEHIND THEM.
THEY'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION.
Mimi
No doubt, Meghan. Schadenfreude has touched minds of central bankers and policymakers in emerging markets.
Jocelyn
Yeah! Those guys bore the brunt of U.S. hectoring about free-market principles for ages.
Hillary
They're also probably soooo thankful for having resisted financial innovations to some degree or another.
Meghan
Exactly! Since their economies have not yet been pummeled by the unfolding crisis like the US has!
MRS. JARLSON, MIMI'S MOM KNOCKS AND ENTERS
Mrs. Jarlson
Knock-knock, girls! Everything ok in here?
Mimi
Mooooom. Like, can we be left alone for like, FIVE minutes? Gyaaaaaaaaad!
Mrs. Jarlson
Sorry Mimi. Just checking in. (pulls out plate from behind her back) With some brownies!
THE GIRLS SQUEAL AND ATTACK THE PLATE MRS. JARLSON IS HOLDING OUT.
Mimi
I'm, like, gonna be such a fat cow and I don't care!
Meghan
Me too! And like, I'm like gonna have a ton of zits!
Hillary
Maybe Stoney Roberts can kiss them all away!
THE GIRLS ALL SQUEAL AGAIN AND START HITTING ONE ANOTHER WITH STUFFED ANIMALS AND PILLOWS.
Mrs. Jarlson
Looks like you girls don't need me! Have fun!
THE GIRLS CALM DOWN.
Mimi
Seriously, guys. I'm worried. I think some of the lessons learned may be the wrong ones for emerging market economies.
Meghan
Agreed. The real lesson to be taken from this crisis is that the abnegation of some free-market principles led to this mess.
Jocelyn
AND because financial development is ultimately going to be important for them to get high growth rates.
Hillary
What do you guys think went wrong in the US?
Mimi
Massive, undetected accounting fraud at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac-
Jocelyn
Implicit guarantee of government backing...
Meghan
And very light regulation, especially during the Greenspan years
Hillary
Ewwww....Alan Greenspan! He's, like, so gross!
Mimi
Jocelyn thinks he's cute!
Jocelyn
LIAR! I only said I'd make out with him over Putin in "Death Is Not An Option"!
JOCELYN HITS MIMI WITH PILLOW. ANOTHER SQUEALFEST ENSUES. MIMI'S CUTE 16-YEAR-OLD BROTHER ERIC ENTERS.
Eric
Hey! Brat! Keep it down in here! I'm writing lyrics!
Mimi
LOSER! You're so gayballs! Get OUT!
Jocelyn
Uh-buh-gluh
Meghan
H-h-h-h-h-i! (giggles uncontrollably)
Hillary
Lyricswhatlyricsreallythat'ssocoolsoyouknowwhat'sgood?Soup!
ERIC ROLLS HIS EYES AND LEAVES. THEY GIRLS ALL LAUGH AND SQUEAL.
Mimi
I'm tired.
Jocelyn
Me too.
Hillary
Wanna go to sleep talking about the emerging presence of Russia as a world power!
Meghan
Yeah! I'll get my New Republic and a flashlight!
MIMI DIMS THE LIGHTS AND SCENE.
THEY'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION.
Mimi
No doubt, Meghan. Schadenfreude has touched minds of central bankers and policymakers in emerging markets.
Jocelyn
Yeah! Those guys bore the brunt of U.S. hectoring about free-market principles for ages.
Hillary
They're also probably soooo thankful for having resisted financial innovations to some degree or another.
Meghan
Exactly! Since their economies have not yet been pummeled by the unfolding crisis like the US has!
MRS. JARLSON, MIMI'S MOM KNOCKS AND ENTERS
Mrs. Jarlson
Knock-knock, girls! Everything ok in here?
Mimi
Mooooom. Like, can we be left alone for like, FIVE minutes? Gyaaaaaaaaad!
Mrs. Jarlson
Sorry Mimi. Just checking in. (pulls out plate from behind her back) With some brownies!
THE GIRLS SQUEAL AND ATTACK THE PLATE MRS. JARLSON IS HOLDING OUT.
Mimi
I'm, like, gonna be such a fat cow and I don't care!
Meghan
Me too! And like, I'm like gonna have a ton of zits!
Hillary
Maybe Stoney Roberts can kiss them all away!
THE GIRLS ALL SQUEAL AGAIN AND START HITTING ONE ANOTHER WITH STUFFED ANIMALS AND PILLOWS.
Mrs. Jarlson
Looks like you girls don't need me! Have fun!
THE GIRLS CALM DOWN.
Mimi
Seriously, guys. I'm worried. I think some of the lessons learned may be the wrong ones for emerging market economies.
Meghan
Agreed. The real lesson to be taken from this crisis is that the abnegation of some free-market principles led to this mess.
Jocelyn
AND because financial development is ultimately going to be important for them to get high growth rates.
Hillary
What do you guys think went wrong in the US?
Mimi
Massive, undetected accounting fraud at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac-
Jocelyn
Implicit guarantee of government backing...
Meghan
And very light regulation, especially during the Greenspan years
Hillary
Ewwww....Alan Greenspan! He's, like, so gross!
Mimi
Jocelyn thinks he's cute!
Jocelyn
LIAR! I only said I'd make out with him over Putin in "Death Is Not An Option"!
JOCELYN HITS MIMI WITH PILLOW. ANOTHER SQUEALFEST ENSUES. MIMI'S CUTE 16-YEAR-OLD BROTHER ERIC ENTERS.
Eric
Hey! Brat! Keep it down in here! I'm writing lyrics!
Mimi
LOSER! You're so gayballs! Get OUT!
Jocelyn
Uh-buh-gluh
Meghan
H-h-h-h-h-i! (giggles uncontrollably)
Hillary
Lyricswhatlyricsreallythat'ssocoolsoyouknowwhat'sgood?Soup!
ERIC ROLLS HIS EYES AND LEAVES. THEY GIRLS ALL LAUGH AND SQUEAL.
Mimi
I'm tired.
Jocelyn
Me too.
Hillary
Wanna go to sleep talking about the emerging presence of Russia as a world power!
Meghan
Yeah! I'll get my New Republic and a flashlight!
MIMI DIMS THE LIGHTS AND SCENE.
Scrabble Challange
STEVE IS SITTING ON HIS COUCH, WATCHING TV. THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. HE GETS UP TO ANSWER IT, IT'S HARRY.
Steve
Hey! Harry Shea! What're you doing here?
Harry
I've come to challenge you, man to man.
HARRY WHIPS OUT A SCRABBLE BOARD
Steve
You came all the way to LA from New Jersey to play Scrabble with me? But we play all the time online.
Harry
Exactly! Where I highly, HIGHLY suspect you've been cheating.
Steve
That's ridiculous. You're allowed to look up words and the program tells you if a word doesn't exist.
Harry
So you ADMIT to using the dictionary before putting down tiles?
Steve
It's part of the online game! It's not real Scrabble!
Harry
AND you've put down words you didn't think existed.
Steve
Everyone does it!
Harry
Not everyone, Steve. Not people who want to play with a pure heart.
Steve
Well, I guess I don't. So I'm not gonna play you here. Real World Tijuana is coming on.
Harry
Then I guess I win!
Steve
What?
Harry
I win! I win! I beat you!
Steve
Harry, I think I know what this is about.
Harry
It's about Scrabble. Pure, true in your heart Scrabble.
Steve
I think this is about me winning the election Senior Year.
Harry
Oh. Actually, I completely forgot about that.
Steve
Well then maybe it's about Christa deciding she'd rather date me.
Harry
Huh. I forgot about that too. Besides, she's really fat now.
Steve
I see. So this is about me getting into St Johns and you...not getting into St. Johns
Harry
I went to Harvard.
Steve
It's about me not being allergic to peanuts and you are!
Harry
I don't even like the smell.
Steve
It's about me being a struggling screenwriter!
Harry
I love being a lawyer.
Steve
It's about me living in a flea bag apartment.
Harry (looks around)
Ugh. It's pretty bad.
Steve
It's about me getting fat! Losing my hair! Not getting laid in about 2 years! Being lonely! Despondent! Wanting to kill myself but not having the guts! It's- It's ......
HARRY JUST STARES.
Steve
Set up the board.
Steve
Hey! Harry Shea! What're you doing here?
Harry
I've come to challenge you, man to man.
HARRY WHIPS OUT A SCRABBLE BOARD
Steve
You came all the way to LA from New Jersey to play Scrabble with me? But we play all the time online.
Harry
Exactly! Where I highly, HIGHLY suspect you've been cheating.
Steve
That's ridiculous. You're allowed to look up words and the program tells you if a word doesn't exist.
Harry
So you ADMIT to using the dictionary before putting down tiles?
Steve
It's part of the online game! It's not real Scrabble!
Harry
AND you've put down words you didn't think existed.
Steve
Everyone does it!
Harry
Not everyone, Steve. Not people who want to play with a pure heart.
Steve
Well, I guess I don't. So I'm not gonna play you here. Real World Tijuana is coming on.
Harry
Then I guess I win!
Steve
What?
Harry
I win! I win! I beat you!
Steve
Harry, I think I know what this is about.
Harry
It's about Scrabble. Pure, true in your heart Scrabble.
Steve
I think this is about me winning the election Senior Year.
Harry
Oh. Actually, I completely forgot about that.
Steve
Well then maybe it's about Christa deciding she'd rather date me.
Harry
Huh. I forgot about that too. Besides, she's really fat now.
Steve
I see. So this is about me getting into St Johns and you...not getting into St. Johns
Harry
I went to Harvard.
Steve
It's about me not being allergic to peanuts and you are!
Harry
I don't even like the smell.
Steve
It's about me being a struggling screenwriter!
Harry
I love being a lawyer.
Steve
It's about me living in a flea bag apartment.
Harry (looks around)
Ugh. It's pretty bad.
Steve
It's about me getting fat! Losing my hair! Not getting laid in about 2 years! Being lonely! Despondent! Wanting to kill myself but not having the guts! It's- It's ......
HARRY JUST STARES.
Steve
Set up the board.
Friday, September 26, 2008
My Political Sketch
BARACK OBAMA AND JOHN MCCAIN ARE AT THEIR DEBATE PODIUMS.
OBAMA
Before we begin our debate, I want to thank Senator McCain for showing up.
MCCAIN
And I want to thank Senator Obama for letting me out of his trunk.
OBAMA
My methods of getting you here may have been harsh, but I think you're going to like what I have to say. I don't want to debate.
MCCAIN
So you are admitting I'm right? We should work together on fixing he economy?
OBAMA
You are, indeed right. In fact, I think you should be president.
CROWD GASPS, STARTS TALKING
MCCAIN
I-I-don't know what to say.
OBAMA
Say you'll take the country in the state it's in, use your Maverick style and get us all back on course.
MCCAIN
Wait! I see what you're doing, Barry!
OBAMA
I'm offering you the country's highest position on a silver platter.
MCCAIN
Bull! This country's a stadium full of shit and you're handing me a square of toilet paper!
OBAMA
This ordeal has been grueling. I simply want to spend more time with my family.
MCCAIN
Don't you dare use that "spend more time with my family" bullshit. I invented that line! It was part of a bill I wrote in '75!
OBAMA
Senator McCain, I concede. You are the next president.
MCCAIN
No! I concede! You're the next president.
OBAMA
Surely the American public doesn't need me to lead them. I'm a black supremacist!
MCCAIN
Oh yeah? Well I'm an atheist!
OBAMA
I'm cheating on my wife.
MCCAIN
Big deal.
OBAMA
...with a man. Goin' on the down low!
MCCAIN
My wife's a robot! A real robot!
OBAMA
I'm a member of Al-Queda
MCCAIN
I fund you guys!
OBAMA
My vice presidential pick thinks we can time-travel.
MCCAIN
Mine talks in tongues!
OBAMA
I have as much substance as Jessica Simpson's lip gloss!
MCCAIN
I just had triple bypass surgery, chemo for lung cancer and I think I'm having a small stroke as I speak.
OBAMA
(puts on an dashiki) I'm not even an American citizen!
MCCAIN
( like he's got Down's Syndrome) Ah'm re-tah-ded!
THEY BOTH START SPEAKING AT THE SAME TIME.
OBAMA(speaking tongues)
OO-LA-OO-LA-OO-LA-OO-LA-OO!!
MCCAIN
AH-BLA-BLA-BLA-BLA!
THE CROWD GOES WILD. THE DEBATE MODERATOR STANDS UP.
MODERATOR
Everyone, calm down! Just calm down!
SCREEN GOES TO AN AMERICAN FLAG TEST PATTERN WITH "THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.
END.
OBAMA
Before we begin our debate, I want to thank Senator McCain for showing up.
MCCAIN
And I want to thank Senator Obama for letting me out of his trunk.
OBAMA
My methods of getting you here may have been harsh, but I think you're going to like what I have to say. I don't want to debate.
MCCAIN
So you are admitting I'm right? We should work together on fixing he economy?
OBAMA
You are, indeed right. In fact, I think you should be president.
CROWD GASPS, STARTS TALKING
MCCAIN
I-I-don't know what to say.
OBAMA
Say you'll take the country in the state it's in, use your Maverick style and get us all back on course.
MCCAIN
Wait! I see what you're doing, Barry!
OBAMA
I'm offering you the country's highest position on a silver platter.
MCCAIN
Bull! This country's a stadium full of shit and you're handing me a square of toilet paper!
OBAMA
This ordeal has been grueling. I simply want to spend more time with my family.
MCCAIN
Don't you dare use that "spend more time with my family" bullshit. I invented that line! It was part of a bill I wrote in '75!
OBAMA
Senator McCain, I concede. You are the next president.
MCCAIN
No! I concede! You're the next president.
OBAMA
Surely the American public doesn't need me to lead them. I'm a black supremacist!
MCCAIN
Oh yeah? Well I'm an atheist!
OBAMA
I'm cheating on my wife.
MCCAIN
Big deal.
OBAMA
...with a man. Goin' on the down low!
MCCAIN
My wife's a robot! A real robot!
OBAMA
I'm a member of Al-Queda
MCCAIN
I fund you guys!
OBAMA
My vice presidential pick thinks we can time-travel.
MCCAIN
Mine talks in tongues!
OBAMA
I have as much substance as Jessica Simpson's lip gloss!
MCCAIN
I just had triple bypass surgery, chemo for lung cancer and I think I'm having a small stroke as I speak.
OBAMA
(puts on an dashiki) I'm not even an American citizen!
MCCAIN
( like he's got Down's Syndrome) Ah'm re-tah-ded!
THEY BOTH START SPEAKING AT THE SAME TIME.
OBAMA(speaking tongues)
OO-LA-OO-LA-OO-LA-OO-LA-OO!!
MCCAIN
AH-BLA-BLA-BLA-BLA!
THE CROWD GOES WILD. THE DEBATE MODERATOR STANDS UP.
MODERATOR
Everyone, calm down! Just calm down!
SCREEN GOES TO AN AMERICAN FLAG TEST PATTERN WITH "THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.
END.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Meeting
A GROUP OF MALE AND FEMALE EXECUTIVES ARE SITTING AROUND A CONFERENCE TABLE. THEY ARE ALL CONSULTING THEIR BLACKBERRIES
SMITH
So how about we schedule the next meeting for Tuesday the 12th at 10?
JOHNSON
No can do. That's my weekly approvals meeting. How about Wednesday the 13th at 2?
WILLIAMS
Can't. I'll be in Dallas until the 19th.
JOHNSON
Perfect. I'm clear until 3PM on the 20th.
SMITH
I'm not. I have3PM
WILLIAMS
How about the 22nd?
JOHNSON
I can do it at 9, 1 or 6.
SMITH
I can do it at 10, 2 or 5.
WILLIAMS
(sigh) The 23rd? Anytime?
SMITH
I may be able to squeeze it in after my lunch meeting but before the Commencement Dinner.
JOHNSON
I've got 23 minutes free starting at 1:22.
WILLIAMS
And I'm all clear that day! Oh. Wait. It's my summer Friday.
THEY ARE ALL FRUSTRATED.
SMITH
This is absurd.
WILLIAMS
Yeah. Someone has to give.
JOHNSON
Yeah. But I have to bolt. I got an 11:24 conference call with Iceland starting in 2 minutes.
SMITH
So lets touch base again and set up a meeting time.
WILLIAMS
When?
JOHNSON
I can do it at 5:15...
WILLIAM
No can do. Gotta Power Point thing then. How about 6?
And so on....
SMITH
So how about we schedule the next meeting for Tuesday the 12th at 10?
JOHNSON
No can do. That's my weekly approvals meeting. How about Wednesday the 13th at 2?
WILLIAMS
Can't. I'll be in Dallas until the 19th.
JOHNSON
Perfect. I'm clear until 3PM on the 20th.
SMITH
I'm not. I have3PM
WILLIAMS
How about the 22nd?
JOHNSON
I can do it at 9, 1 or 6.
SMITH
I can do it at 10, 2 or 5.
WILLIAMS
(sigh) The 23rd? Anytime?
SMITH
I may be able to squeeze it in after my lunch meeting but before the Commencement Dinner.
JOHNSON
I've got 23 minutes free starting at 1:22.
WILLIAMS
And I'm all clear that day! Oh. Wait. It's my summer Friday.
THEY ARE ALL FRUSTRATED.
SMITH
This is absurd.
WILLIAMS
Yeah. Someone has to give.
JOHNSON
Yeah. But I have to bolt. I got an 11:24 conference call with Iceland starting in 2 minutes.
SMITH
So lets touch base again and set up a meeting time.
WILLIAMS
When?
JOHNSON
I can do it at 5:15...
WILLIAM
No can do. Gotta Power Point thing then. How about 6?
And so on....
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