Arty Farty

SVEN AND THIBALD, ARE TWO GUYS IN THEIR 30’S DRESSED IN BLACK TURTLENECKS AND WATCHING A PIECE OF ADVANT GUARD THEATER ART IN A MUSEUM. WE CAN’T SEE WHAT THEY’RE WATCHING.


SVEN
It’s riveting…the statement she’s making.
.
THIBALD
Her irony is boundless

SVEN
…yet so clear about the intricacies of life.

THIBALD
I can see the depth of the human connection

SVEN
I see the fragility of the human experience

THIBALD
I can see-oh crap. I can’t do this anymore, Sven.

SVEN
Is the nuance providing too much stimulation, Thibald?

THIBALD
No. It’s just that this is bullshit.

SVEN
No, this piece of Art Theater is Complexities Of Class by Amelia Perez.

CAMERA PANS OUT TO REVEAL A MIDDLE AGED HISPANIC WOMAN MOPPING.

THIBALD
It just looks like a cleaning lady mopping to me.

SVEN
She’s challenging us to look beyond the obvious.

THIBALD
She’s cleaning the floor

SVEN
Thibald, you just need to look deeper. See the art.

THIBALD
Here’s the thing. I looked deeper and all I smell is Pine Sol. And bullshit.

SVEN
Thibald, please…

THIBALD
My name’s not Thibald, it’s Mac. Look, I can’t take it anymore. You’re cute, but it’s not worth it.

SVEN
I’m sorry to hear that.

THIBALD
So long.

THIBALD LEAVES. THE CLEANING WOMAN BENDS OVER TO PICK UP HER BUCKET OF WATER AND SHE LETS OUT A FART.

CLEANING LADY
Dios mio! Lo siento!

SVEN
Brilliant!

END

Writing A Thesis Just To Get Girls

A PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM is in his office with his nerdy advisee, LEROY

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
Leroy, we need to discuss your thesis topics

LEROY
Is there a problem, Professor?


PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
Let’s start with your topic. “A Social-Psychological Study To Determine Whether Or Not Beautiful Women Have More Boyfriends.”

LEROY
I think that has a real shot of being published.

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
It’s a little… obvious, don’t you think?

LEROY
Well, maybe. I got another one though.

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
Wonderful. Let’s have it.

LEROY
“A Comprehensive Study On The Personality Traits Of Extremely Attractive Women.”

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
No.

LEROY
How about. “A Study Of Hot Chicks”

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM SHAKES HIS HEAD

LEROY
“Good Looking Girls-What’s Up With That?”

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM WINCES

LEROY(cont’)
“Asking Beautiful Women What I Can Do To Make Them Like Me.”.


PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
Leroy, stop. Sociology is not a study in finding you a date. It’s about helping others achieve awareness and reaching a higher order of understanding.

LEROY
How about…”Understanding Smokin’ Babes, Is It Possible?”

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
I can see we’re not communicating on the same level.

LEROY
Guess not. I’ll call the guidance office and get reassigned.

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
Very good.

LEROY LEAVES. AFTER THE DOOR CLOSES, 3 HOT BABES EMERGE FROM UNDER PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM’S DESK.

PROFESSOR HIGGENBOTTOM
I thought he’d never leave. Now, who’s ready for another questionnaire?

THE GIRLS SQUEAL IN DELIGHT. JUST LIKE WHAT I’LL DO IF I EVER WRITE A DECENT SKETCH ENDING.

I Wanna Mess You Up

BOB IS SITTING ON THE COUCH IN HIS ELDERLY FEMALE THERAPIST’S OFFICE.


THERAPIST
I have to say, Bob, I don’t see what the problem is.

BOB
That’s just it, Doctor! I’m too well-adjusted. I need your help.

THERAPIST
Most people spend their lives trying to get to where you are. Why would you want to change that?

BOB
Easy. Fucked up guys have more fun.

THERAPIST
That is absolutely not true.

BOB
It’s completely true. How many comedians do you know who are emotionally stable?

THERAPIST
None. They’re the lifeblood of my business.

BOB
Exactly!

THERAPIST
But just because a comedian makes jokes, it doesn’t mean he’s having fun.

BOB
Let’s see… a comic hangs around smart, funny people all the time, he becomse friends with famous people and he gets laid with girls way better looking then they deserve.

THERAPIST
Good point. But most of them are too depressed to enjoy their lives, so there’s a payoff.

BOB
I see your point. So if you can just make me a little fucked up, that’d be good. Like, more Paul Rudd fucked up than Kurt Cobain fucked up.


THERAPIST
I can’t do that.

BOB
You can try. Please! Fucked up people get laid more!

THERAPIST
I disagree.

BOB
So I suppose you never broke up with anyone because he was “too nice.”

THERAPSIT PAUSES

BOB
See! I knew it! So make me fucked up.

THERAPIST
I’m afraid it’s not that easy.

BOB
It can’t be too hard. What do I need?

THERAPIST
An early childhood trauma would be a good start.

BOB
Come on! Something I can actually get!

THERAPIST
It goes against everything I’ve learned. I build self esteem and confidence, I don’t take it away.

BOB
Well, then, I guess you’re not up for the challenge. Too bad. I thought you were good.

THERAPIST
I am good. I’ve published 2 books, I have a waiting list of people who want my help…

BOB
Well, tell the waiting list a spot just opened up. If you can’t figure out a way to give your client what he needs, that’s not good.

BOB STARTS TO LEAVE

THERAPIST
Bob! Wait!

BOB TURNS AROUND AND THE THERAPIST TEARS OPEN HER SHIRT AND FLASHES HER ELDERLY BODY AT HIM

BOB
OH MY GOD! NOOOOOO!

BOB THROW UP IN THE WASTEPAPER BASKET

BOB
Dude, that’s fucked up.

END

Coital Contract

NICOLE AND MARIO STEWART ARE SITTNG ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF A CONFERENCE TABLE WITH THEIR LAWYERS, A WOMAN AND A MAN RESPECTIVELY.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
If Mr. Stewart is willing to give up 2 minutes of blow job time, my client is willing to give up 4 minutes of post-coital cuddle time.

MARIO’S LAWYER
That’s hardly an equal exchange.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
Have you ever given a blow job, counseler?

MARIO’S LAWYER
No. I’m heterosexual.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
Then take it from a heterosexual female. It takes a lot less effort to hold a woman in your arms than a penis in your mouth. Especially one of…exceptional girth.

MARIO(to Nicole)
Hey thanks!

NICOLE
(shrugs) It’s true.

MARIO’S LAWYER QUIETLY CONFERS WITH MARIO

MARIO
Fine. But we’re going to have to let us set strict limitations on post coital conversation.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
You’re kidding me. The conversation clause is more than half of the agreement!

MARIO’S LAWYER
My client wants to limit the topics to questions that my client can answer with non-commital “Mmmm-hmmm’s.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
Can we at least keep 10 minutes of deep analysis of the relationship?

MARIO SHAKES HIS HEAD EMPHATICALLY.

MARIO’S LAWYER
No.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
Not even 5 minutes of your client reassuring my client of her body parts?

MARIO’S LAWYER QUIETLY CONFERS WITH MARIO

MARIO
My client feels the foreplay talk of “You’re so hot” should suffice.

NICOLE’S LAWYER QUIETLY CONFERS WITH NICOLE

NICOLE’S LAWYER
My client will agree if we can strike the “You’re the best I’ve ever had” post coital clause.

MARIO’S LAWYER LOOKS OVER AT MARIO. MARIO SHRUGS.

MARIO’S LAWYER
That’s more than fair.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
So it appears we’ve got an agreement.

EVERYONE STANDS UP.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
I’ll have the revisions to you tomorrow morning.

MARIO’S LAWYER
Good. And our clients can enjoy wonderful intercourse for the rest of their relationship.

NICOLE
Actually, we just broke up.

MARIO
She texted me a minute ago and I was relieved.

NICOLE
Yeah. Sorry to have wasted your time.

NICOLE’S LAWYER AND MARIO’S LAWYER STARE BLANKLY. NICOLE’S LAWYER COME TO FIRST.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
Do you have a contract for Funeral Sex?

MARIO’S LAWYER
Good call. I wouldn’t break up without one of those.

NICOLE
What’s that?

MARIO
I think it’s the 3 or 4 times you have sex with your ex after a break up.

NICOLE’S LAWYER
That is correct. Every break up should have one.

MARIO’S LAWYER
I’ve seen break ups without them. Very messy.

NICOLE
Well, I guess we should…

MARIO SHRUGS

NICOLE’S LAWYER
Perfect. We’ll meet here tomorrow? Say 2 o’clock?

EVERYONE NODS. THE SCREEN BLURS AND WE SEE NICOLE AND MARIO’S LAWYERS ROLLING AROUND TOGETHER IN PILES OF MONEY.

Girlfriend Break Up

BECCA AND NICOLE, TWO WOMEN IN THEIR EARLY 30s, ARE SITTING IN A CAFÉ.

NICOLE

…and so I said, nah-ah Mister. I get 10 minutes of snuggle time for every 1 minute of blow job. And that, (definitely snaps her fingers in the air) is NON-negotiable.

BECCA

Mmmm…

NICOLE

Is something the matter? You seem distracted.

BECCA

Nothing, no. (sighs) Well actually…

NICOLE

Come on. Spit it out. I’m one of your best friends.

BECCA

That’s just it.

NICOLE

What do you mean?

BECCA

I think…oh! this is so hard! ….we should…take a break.

NICOLE

A break?

BECCA

Yeah. I’m going through a weird time right now.

NICOLE

(incredulously) Are you breaking up with me?

BECCA

No! No! It’s just a break.

NICOLE

No. Admit it! I’m being friend dumped.

BECCA

Fine. You’re right.

NICOLE

I-I can’t believe this. (starts crying) Why? What’s wrong with me?

BECCA

Nothing’s wrong with you! You’re so great! And you deserve a friend who really appreciates you.

NICOLE

That is such a bullshit cop out and you know it. At least be honest with me.

BECCA

OK, if you really want to know, I think you’ve gotten too comfortable.

NICOLE

I thought that’s what you’re supposed to do with friends.

BECCA

To a point, yes. But…I mean, take this for example. (She waves around the coffee shop)

NICOLE

What’s wrong with Starbucks?

BECCA

You used to find cute little indie coffee joints for us! Now it’s just…generic and boring. And look at the way you’re dressed!

NICOLE

I’m comfortable. It’s Saturday afternoon!

BECCA

When we were first friends, you used to wear cute outfits from Anthropology, now it’s just sweats! You don’t even put on gloss!

NICOLE

Why didn’t you mention this before?

BECCA

I did! Remember when I gave you my free gift from Sephora? It was such a clear hint but you didn’t care!

NICOLE

I thought you were just being nice. I didn’t realize it was a statement.

BECCA

It’s obvious you can’t read me. And that’s not good.

NICOLE

I think you’re being harsh and rash. We can work this out.

BECCA

I’m sorry, Nicole. I’m done. I LIKE you, but I’m not “IN” like with you.

NICOLE

You’re going to realize you made a bit mistake.

BECCA

I don’t think so.

NICOLE

Fine! I guess I’ll just get pedis with Stella Daniels from now on.

BECCA

Stella Daniels? I thought you hated her feet.

NICOLE

Well, I’m not the one who’s buffing them, so what do I care?

BECCA

Whatever.

NICOLE

In fact, I think I’ll invite her to the Feist concert. Maybe I’ll wear sweatpants.

BECCA

Oh come on! You KNOW she’s my favorite singer! You wouldn’t even know who she was if it wasn’t for me!

NICOLE

I like Feist!

BECCA

Oh yeah, name TWO of her songs.

(beat)

BECCA(cont’)

Ha! You can’t!

NICOLE

I don’t need to prove anything to you. We’re not friends anymore, remember?

BECCA

Fine.

NICOLE

Fine.

BECCA

I guess I’ll get going.

NICOLE

Go! Go on now-walk out that door!

BECCA GETS UP AND LEAVES. NICOLE IS LEFT THERE DISTRAUGHT. CONNIE, A TIMID AND CUTE YOUNG WOMAN, GOES UP TO NICOLE.

CONNIE

Excuse me, is this seat taken?

NICOLE

No. You can sit here.

CONNIE

I love your sweats!

NICOLE

Really? I got them at the GapI'm sorry. I-

NICOLE PAUSES AND SIGHS

CONNIE

Is something wrong?

NICOLE

I'm sorry. I'm just not ready for this.

NICOLE RUNS AWAY CRYING.

CRAP ENDING

Natural Food Store Security

EYELYN, A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE A HUMANITIES PROFESSOR AT NYU, IS ABOUT TO LEAVE A NATURAL FOODS STORE. MATTHEW, A YOUNG WHITE MAN IN DREADS WEARING A MARLEY T-SHIRT AND WEARING BIRKENSTOCKS APPROACHES HER.

MATTHEW
Excuse me, m'am. I'm sorry to interupt your personal space, but I have a question.

EVELYN
That's fine. I invite you into my inner aura.

MATTHEW STEPS CLOSER

MATTHEW
I noticed you slipped an organic, raw food, oatmeal vegan cookie in your hemp bag.

EVELYN
Yes.

MATTHEW
And you didn't pay respects to goods that went into making that cookie.

EVELYN
I highly respect the every part of this cookie. To the oats who gave their lives to the raisins who allowed themselves to be plucked from their homes.

MATTHEW
I am not accusing you of cookie bigotry. Only that you forgot to do a personal tribute to the cookie's manufacturers.

EVELYN
I have nothing but high regard for the bakers who warmed their hands making my cookie.

MATTHEW
It's not that. It's just...

EVELYN
Stop. I can't bear to hear it. You accuse me of disrespecting ingredients. You accuse me of disregarding labor. What's next? Are you going to call me a Republican.

THE ENTIRE STORE GASPS. AN ELDERLY HIPPIE MAN FAINTS.

HIPPIE GIRL
Sexist!

HIPPIE GUY
Ageist!

HIPPIE OTHER GUY
Inclusionist!

MATTHEW
No! No! Look, I'm don't think ill of this woman. It's just that...

HIPPIE GIRL
What-she isn't pretty enough to shop here?

HIPPIE GUY
Or maybe she's too old!

HIPPIE OTHER GUY
Or not bourgeouis enough!

MATTHEW
She didn't pay, okay! That's all! Look, lady-

HE TURNS AROUND AND EVELYN IS GONE. SHE SNUCK OUT WHILE HE WAS BEING ATTACKED WITH HER STOLEN COOKIE.

THE CROWD ALL MURMER "OOOOOOH" AND CONTINUE SHOPPING.

HIPPIE GUY
The people who shop here are really going downhill...

THE END. YUCK.

Let's Get This Party Over

OPEN ON A GROUP OF GUYS DRINKING AND HAVING FUN IN A SMALL APARTMENT. ALAN, KEN, LINC AND NICK ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A JOKE WHEN TONY ENTERS.

KEN
so I said, go ahead! The room's already paid for!

ALL THE GUYS LAUGH

TONY
That's funny, Ken. Soooo...I hate to break up the fun, but Sandy wants to get to bed...

ALL THE GUYS OOOH AND NUDGE BUT IN A MORE GUY-LIKE WAY THAN I'M DESCRIBING.

TONY
No, no, she's got a big day tomorrow

LINC
And she wants the big one tonight!

ALL THE GUYS LAUGH AND CUT UP IN GUY FASHION LIKE THEY DO WHENEVER THE SUBJECT OF SEX COMES UP.

TONY
Seriously, guys. You gotta get going.

ALAN
Well, I need to go anyway. Nick, wanna share a cab?

NICK
Sure.

NICK AND ALAN GET UP AND START TO HEAD FOR THE DOOR. NICK TURNS AROUND.

NICK
(to Ken and Linc) You guys coming?

KEN
Yeah, I'm right after you. I just wanna finish this beer.

LINC
I've gotta stop at the john.

NICK SITS BACK DOWN

TONY
Wait-why are you sitting?

NICK
I don't want to be the first to leave.

TONY
It's no big deal.

NICK
Yeah it is. I might miss something.

TONY
You won't miss anything. You're leaving with Alan, and Linc and Ken are right behind you.

NICK
And THAT, my friend is the primo time for missing good shit.

TONY
That's absurd.

ALAN
Actually, it's not. Remember when I had to leave Kenny's wedding 'cause Alyssa's water broke? And then something happened with that waitress...

KEN, LINC, TONY AND NICK ALL STAND UP AND START FLAPPING THEIR ARMS LIKE CHICKENS.

ALL 3
Boob-a-tude Interlude! Woo Dude!

ALAN
I still don't know what that means.

TONY
Trust me, it's no big deal.

LINC
You SAY it's no big deal, but you laugh hysterically whenever anyone uses the word "benign."

TONY, NICK, ALAN and KEN ALL START LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY

LINC
See how I'm not laughing. Because you guys made that inside joke when I went home after the 2002 baseball playoffs because of my cold.

KEN
I left early during the 2003 playoffs. Bad clams. I still don't understand why you guys over pronounce the "s" when you order buffalo...

TONY, NICK, ALAN and LINC
Wingssssssssssssssss

NICK
And why in fuck's hell does LINC always have a maxi pad on his right arm?

KEN
Becasue he's...

TONY, KEN, ALAN and LINC (while high-fiving)
Padalicious!

TONY
Look guys, we all have inside bits...it's no big deal not to get them.

LINC
I've got an idea. Let's all leave together.

NICK
Good one.

KEN
That way no one's left out.

KEN, LINC, NICK AND ALAN ALL START TO LEAVE.

TONY
Wait! Don't leave me alone! I don't want to miss anything!

KEN
But what about Sandy?

TONY
She can fuck herself.

CLASSY! THEN THEY ALL HIGH FIVE LIKE CONSUMMATE GENTLEMEN

END